What do you think?

My "reclaimed" friend who found me a couple of weeks ago, mentioned in email that the guy I saw in high school is still unmarried and childless. I adored this guy, back in the day and had his focus been different, I probably would have hung on for the long haul. I think it's interesting that he's not attached (not surprising, though).

So, here's a question: for single people dating, is there a certain age where you question things if the potential mate has never been married? My mother has said that there is for her. For her age, though, she's only letting in the divorced or widowed. I guess I would too. If you're over 60 and you've never been married, I think I would be asking, "What's wrong? What happened?"

Halloween Parties and Too Much Food

Early Friday evening, we took the kids to the community party at the local junior high. Hubby wasn't going to come. He said, "If I'm taking them trick or treating, then you can take them to the party. I can only take so many times out with lots of kids." However, when I was about to walk out the door, he decided to come along. I was very happy about this. The girls finally got to see (and wear) their costumes. My youngest kept trumpeting like an elephant and every time I looked for her, she was standing in a mirror admiring her trunk. Her sister was thrilled with her ensemble as well. We took a few pictures before we left, then I put the camera away. I regret not having taken it with me.

At the school, there were air-filled bouncers, games, a picture booth, a cake-walk and loads of treats. The Babe found a friend from school almost as soon as we walked in the door. Then, off she went. Hubby, Indy and I walked around visiting the booths and hubby took Indy through the cake walk. She also got her fill of sugar-cookies shaped like pumpkins. Hubby and I were in tears laughing when one kid in a horror mask turned around. Indy gave a shriek and said something like, "Scary! Go away!" Kids are brutally honest, aren't they?

After the party, we got the kids home and fed. Hubby and I got dressed in our own costumes. Hubby looked fabulous in his pimp gear, complete with light-blue, polyester pants, jewel encrusted patent leather shoes, purple velvet hat, cane and bling for days! My make-up took longer than anything else I had to do. Here's a breakdown:

• Cleansed and moisturized face
• Applied oil-free foundation
• Applied powder
• Filled in brows with brow pencil. Then, brushed.
• Blended sparkly, duster gold shadow to mask area (around eyes, outer eyes & nearly to cheeks)
• Applied blue, Maybelline shadow to crescent of lid
• Applied purple, L.A. Colors shadow to mid-level lid
• Applied old gold mac pigment as highlighter to lid directly below brow
• Lined upper and lower lids with black, liquid eyeliner
• Applied "Pixie Dust" lashes to upper lids only (I'll do the lower ones on Friday)
• Placed acrylic jewels to center forehead and around eyes with lash glue
• Added light blush to cheeks
• Rubbed on glitter gloss and a touch of Ruby Berry lipstick. Phew! Finally done.

Then, we took them to my mother's for an over-nighter. Once we got back in town, we were hungry, so we stopped and picked up a snack at Wendy's. After the snack, we headed over to the house party. The house was decorated well, but there wasn't a lot of furniture. I couldn't tell if they were just getting settled or had moved furniture out for the party. It was a large home with three levels. We were on the second level, primarily (going into the garage for "Jungle Juice" every so often).

I stayed with hubby for the most part, but then journeyed with the other ladies for Jager shots (oh, why!). I've never had Jager and I just knew I was in for it. Surprisingly, it didn't have the effect I thought it would. I was buzzed and very happy, but no where near as drunk as they were. I'm usually a light weight, as I've said. Hubby said it has to do with the make up of the liquor. Who, knows.

We drank, we ate we danced until nearly two in the morning. About the time people were getting too "loose", we made our exit. We stopped for a late, late dinner and brought it home to eat and discuss the antics of those at the party. It was a nice night. Five hours later, we awakened and got ready to pick up the kids.

Saturday was spent a bit at my mother's, talking to her about all manner of things. Then, we got on the topic of dogs and she mentioned seeing one in the classifieds that might be perfect for us. Hubby called and after several calls and tries, we found our way to their home. The dog was beautiful! A fawn colored great Dane only one year old. A perfect pal and trainee for our old gentleman at home (he's 8, now). We wanted to acclimate another pet before he checked out. Not that he's ailing, but he's old and a friend is always nice.

Later in the day, hubby picked her up and brought her home. She's wonderful! She doesn't chew, doesn't go in the garbage, obeys commands and is oh, so affectionate. She's under weight, but we'll be able to fix that with no trouble. She's a lazy girl like our old gentleman, so she's quite mellow. We love her! We think she's a good fit for us.

Sunday, I missed church and opted to stay home with hubby. We lounged around, ate a huge breakfast and took naps for the better part of the morning. By afternoon, we met my mother and sister at the park again for a walk with the dogs. I don't know how we did it, but we managed to get both large dogs in my car! They had fun on our nearly two mile hike and we fed the horses apples again (I left the sugar cubes, but won't do that again...they were missing them). The weekend was terrific until...hubby and I got into it Sunday night. He slept on the couch. Today, he's running errands. I've asked him to talk to me, but he's avoiding. He can't avoid all day. We have to work through our issues when they happen. We still have lots of work to do. Have a good week!

Can't Keep Up!

I can't believe how busy I've been these last few days (must be the busy karma sleigh ride I'm on from the weekend). My coworker (the new one) is busy on a project, which leaves me with the remainder of the job duties. I just can't seem to catch up. My email is at a stop for the moment, so I thought I'd at least indicate that I was still alive and well. Hubby has moved most of his stuff back in, today was picture day for my daughter (last night, I did her hair - crochet braids as usual -but I cut in bangs this morning. She's awfully cute), and we're planning on attending a Halloween party tomorrow.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time I went to a party with my hubby. We had my sorority ball earlier in the year, but that's very different. The object of this party is to dress-up and get as drunk as possible. I will not be getting drunk because I plan on being stunning (well, at least super cute). I don't know anybody that looks stunning while slurring their words and spilling tequila all over themselves.

So, more to come later. I hope to have carving pictures here at some point. We have four pumpkins straight from the patch that need gutting soon. Then, I can toast the seeds. That was so tasty last year!

New Deck Cover and Furniture

This was a truly, very busy weekend. Saturday, I woke up with hubby at around 7ish to his making a call on his cell phone. His friend was nearly at our house to help build the deck cover. He jumped out of bed (as did I) and dressed faster than I've ever seen him dress, brushed his teeth and met his buddy outside, just as he was pulling up. They worked on that deck from sun up to sun down (literally). It's amazing! I can't believe the deck looks bigger (and it was already huge). The only thing left to do is to shingle the top and treat the wood for the weather.

When friend-builder left our home at around 7ish, my sister arrived to take care of my kids. I took hubby out for a nice dinner, a lovely cocktail and pleasant conversation. After the day he'd had, he needed it. We went for Mexican...chowing down the tortillas entirely too fast and laughing it up after our margaritas went straight to our heads. I waited a bit before I got in the car to drive. One cocktail and my head was swimming (I seriously can't hold my liquor...light weight all the way).

Sunday, we went to church as usual. When I got home, I put my girls down for a nap then preceded to sweep all the saw dust off the deck then put all of the deck furniture back on all by myself. By this time, hubby called to tell me he'd found bedroom furniture for the babe (after six years, her crappy particle board furniture was falling to the ground). He said the guy would be delivering, just as he (hubby) was getting home from work. This meant mom and the babe had to hustle to get her room cleaned and cleared out before he got home. I went in like a hurricane! Pretty much every answer to her, "Mom, what should I do with this," question was, "Throw it away." I wasn't messing around! There were things that frightened me in that room. How could one little girl be that much of a pack rat?!

By the time hubby got home, all we had left was to disassemble her bed and vacuum. I managed to get everything else out and disassembled in record time. The guy arrived about ten minutes after hubby and he stuck around to help assemble and put everything in. The furniture belonged to his daughter (now 18) who inherited it from her great aunt. From my guess, it's probably from the sixties, but in really good condition and it's all wood. This stuff ain't fallin' apart any time soon (how about any time in the next twenty or so years).

After all this, we drove south towards my mother's home and took our dogs walking on the new trail by her house. It was a lovely walk and we fed the horses we saw apples and sugar cubes (my girls got a big kick out of that). My mom said, based on her pedometer, we managed a two mile walk. It really didn't seem like that much, so I must be in better shape than I thought.

After the walk, hubby treated us to KFC for dinner. I'm pretty sure the grease is what had my stomach spinning at 2:00am this morning. I didn't have to go to the bathroom until 3:30, but I did manage to get in a half hour's worth of work before the chicken grease showed up again. Nice. I told my boss (by voice mail of course, since he's not there even now) that I was going to take a half day and get my stomach back under control. I should have known better; all that activity, then dumping a quart of grease on my insides, does not a happy girl make.

Oh, and least I forget...hubby is moving back in. Certainly this, a happy girl makes.

Out of the Blue

When I came to work on Tuesday, I had a message from someone I went to high school with. I haven't talked to her in years! I was thinking about her a few weeks ago, though and ironically, she's had another baby. Is that why I was thinking about her? I usually act on those impulses, but I didn't have a number or a way of reaching her. Funny (strange) that she should contact me.

History

So, this friend (I'll call her Kay) and I met sort of by accident. I was friendly with a friend of hers (Ann) who had a class with me. Ann and I were on the phone, when she conferenced-in Kay to ask her a question (this was when three-way was just emerging and was so popular). Well, she had someone on the phone with her and she conferenced him in (four people total, now). We all started chatting and stuff but soon, I had to get off the phone. Later, Kay told me that she asked Ann if she could get my number from her to call me sometime.

So, the friendship began. We were thick as thieves in some respects, and perfect strangers in others. I considered her to be my wild friend, in that she always seemed to have a boyfriend (or two, or three) and a guy waiting in the wings. I lived vicariously through her because I never had that sort of attention from the boys (as I've stated before, they were afraid of me). We also had our notebook. It was exchanged during classes, courtsey of an empty locker located between our two lockers (consiquently, borrowed clothing found its way into this locker, too). I'd write a note, then she'd write one. I still have these notebooks full of the things that make life so important in high school. They're actually quite comical (I'll need to dig them out soon).

After high school, we stayed in touch and I'd visit when I could. When I moved, we would call or email each other but we didn't stay in consistent communication with each other. That's her m.o.; her consistency was/is her inconsistency. I know when I fall out of touch with her, it will inevitably come back. Seems it has, now.

How Does it Feel?

When I first talked with her, it was like old times. We fell back into our familiar friendship with the only difference being the addition of children. She sent me pictures and I sent her some. It was good and it brought back lots of memories. The other thing it did, which I wasn't expecting at all, was awaken this feeling of loose ends. I have loose ends in my life. People that I never really said goodbye to or "finished up" with. We were just left "hanging" for lack of a better word. What can I do about this? Not a whole lot, but I don't think it's that unfortunate. Perhaps I'm done with these people and that's simply the way it is. Will they resurface? I've had two people do that in the past, but not the two I was expecting. Which leads me to believe that others feel the way I do. So, I may get some more "out of the blue" calls. Maybe this is only the beginning.

Ah, Romance!

Tuesday was looking like it was going to be just another boring Tuesday. Hubby had to go in for training, so he was really not looking forward to the day (it would mean being in town 3 hours longer than normal). When his lunch break came, he called and told me he was running some quick errands. I suggested he take me to lunch (as I always do, on the few times he can get away during the day) and he let me know that their breaks were no longer the length they used to be. Bummer. So, I went to the break room to heat my oh-so-fabulous Lean Gourmet meal and talk politics with co workers when a friend came in.

"Hey. You need to go back to your desk right away."

"Huh?!"

"Yes. Now. Come on, let's go."

"Um. Okay."

"Just trust me. I wouldn't ask you if it weren't important. Now, would I lie to you?"

"Uh, I guess not."

Hurriedly, we started walking back towards my desk when I looked over cubie-land and saw my darling hubby standing by my desk. I was elated. I came over, hugged him and introduced him to my coworkers. It's been ages since he's been to the office! He used to come fairly frequently and take me to lunch or just stop by and say hi. This particular time, there were flowers. Lovely! My boring Tuesday became super special in seconds.

As I walked him out to his car, there were lots of "I love yous" and "I miss yous" exchanged. He let me know he was thinking of me, which meant the world. I spent the rest of the day beaming and floating in the scent cloud the flowers provided. Truly a wonderful day.

When I got home, hubby called to tell me he would be coming over. He asked if he had any workout clothes left at the house, so he could just work out in town then come back to the house. He was planning on staying over. After picking up the babe, we sat up and watched The Happening, while nibbling Kahlua cake I'd made for the neighbors. Another night-cap of passion followed and more talk of his coming home (which I'm hoping is closer to happening). We still have yet to have our "talk" (due to both of us being uber stressed last Saturday), but we both agree it still needs to happen. I remind him, though, that much has come out during this time that we've both actively made changes around.

I completely understand his fear; we've come so far to have it back-fire. We're really so very happy, right now.

My Sunday Morning

Um, yeah. I'll have more to post later but...I can't even tell you how weird this was...waking up to this on October 12th.

From La Bella Noire...Wow! Another award!!

When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back.

Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.

Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’. (I’m lazy today, but I will try to get around to commenting)

Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).

List [if you can and or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself. And then, pass it on.

My seven (um, five...there are only a handful of blogs I read these days. Too busy):

Radio Ventriloquist
Miss Construed
Maintain Sane
Fried Chicken and Manduros
Soshallitbe

Ten honest things about me:

1 ) I love, love, love horror movies and honestly would love the opportunity to work on set or help with a screenplay. Too many repeaters around right now. It's time for originality.

2 ) Disco is not dead. It reigns supreme in my car (singing at the top of my lungs).

3 ) I love to cook, but don't have the time I'd like to spend doing it as well as I think I can. Around Christmas, I'm the baking queen.

4 ) I'm not a fan of the great outdoors. Hubby's always trying to camp and stuff, but I believe in showers and mattresses.

5 ) Was totally addicted to the Travel Channel before we ditched satellite.

6 ) I'm afraid of my talent. I've been told over and over again that I can sing, but I never believe it.

7 ) I think, "Lady in the street but a freak in the bed," was coined about me. You just never know about some people.

8 ) I love, love, love to travel and want to do lots of it once I'm retired. I just hope I can afford it then (our economy...does it have a snowball's chance?!).

9 ) I was never in fights in school, but the friends I kept had all been in their share. I guess they were sort of my body guards.

10 ) When I was an extra on a popular t.v. show, I hoped it would lead to more offers. It did, but I haven't done any more spots. I really, really want to.

Weather Alert!

Hubby stayed the night to keep me warm. He's still here, snoring beside me. I'm glad he's here to keep me warm because my weatherbug just screamed this at me:

ALERT 1 - Winter Storm Warning

WINTER STORM WARNING IN EFFECT FROM 11 AM THIS MORNING TO 6 PM MDT SUNDAY
Issue Time: 5:16AM MDT, Saturday Oct 11, 2008
Valid Until: 4:00PM MDT, Saturday Oct 11, 2008
Back to summary

WINTER STORM WARNING IN EFFECT FROM 11 AM THIS MORNING TO 6 PM MDT SUNDAY
UNTIL 4:00PM MDT
Urgent - Winter Weather Message National Weather Service Salt Lake City UT 516 AM MDT Sat Oct 11 2008



Cache Valley/Utah Portion-Northern Wasatch Front- Salt Lake And Tooele Valleys-

... Winter Storm Warning In Effect From 11 AM This Morning To 6 PM MDT Sunday...

The National Weather Service In Salt Lake City Has Issued A Winter Storm Warning For Heavy Snow... Which Is In Effect From 11 AM This Morning To 6 PM MDT Sunday. The Winter Storm Watch Is No Longer In Effect.

This Warning Is For The Cache Valley And The Northern And Central Wasatch Front Including Logan... Ogden And Salt Lake City.

Snowfall Totals Of 2 To 6 Inches... With Higher Amounts East Of The Great Salt Lake And On The Benches... Are Expected By Sunday Afternoon. Although Snow Amounts May Not Be Exceptionally Heavy In All Areas... The Wet Snow Falling On Trees That Have Yet To Lose Their Leaves May Result In Tree Damage And Localized Power Outages.

Rain And Snow Will Spread Into The Western Valleys This Morning Then Change Over To Snow By Late Morning Or Early Afternoon. The Snow Will Continue... Possibly Heavy At Times..Into The Day On Sunday. The Greatest Accumulation Should Be East Of The Great Salt Lake Where Lake Effect Snow May Develop. The Snow Should Diminish By Late In The Day On Sunday.

A Winter Storm Warning Means Heavy Snow Is Expected Or Occurring. Travel Difficulties Can Be Expected As Roads May Be Slick. Slow Down And Use Caution While Driving. For Winter Road Conditions From The Utah Department Of Transportation Visit... Http://Www.Udot.Utah.Gov Or Dial 511

Um, Autumn?!

So, does this look like fall weather? It's looking a little chilled to me for the weekend. So much for the corn maze. I was going to do it last weekend, but it rained the entire time (I did manage a steamy cup of Stephen's Cocoa, Tasha and it was divine! I sat in my window seat, staring out at the cool downpour, while I read and sipped.) At the time, I thought, "Well, I give it a go next weekend" but, no dice. I suppose cleaning out the Babe's room will be the bulk of our activities, now.

The room is an issue. The furniture is falling apart and she's an 8 year old pack-rat. I can't stand it anymore! I'm going in like the terminator and wiping shyt out. Seriously! She's got DVD shelves on the floor, using them as a make-shift desk. What the hell?! Markers, crayons, paper and other miscellany are shoved under her mattress. How did they get there? It's time to regulate. Remember that song? Regulators? Mount up!

Then, perhaps a repeat of last weekend; a good book and cocoa. I put new seed in the bird feeder, so there will probably be lots of birds to ogle while we sip. Hubby says we're having a family date on Saturday, since going anywhere is sort of out of the question. I just hope we're in a goo frame of mind to enjoy it. The talk is slated for that day (originally, I'd thought Wednesday, but I got my dates confused).

Gotta work on a project. Later!

UPDATE (it's about 8:40pm): It's been a hard evening. I left work with a project looming over my head (which I was initially told had no time frame...then bossy says he needs it for a meeting tomorrow. Yikes! I came home and started working on it out of sheer panic). Normally, I would have cuddled with hubby and pushed away the darkness of the outside world, but I couldn't. He came over and it was nice to have him around. We grocery shopped with Indy, while the Babe was at gymnastics. We went home, put everything away and then he started packing up to leave. I was heartbroken. Still am. We just got off the phone and we're to make lists for tomorrow's meeting. We're going to try to keep it "light-hearted" so that we don't stress each other out. I'm all for that. My weatherbug says it's 48 degrees. Yeesh! That's almost winter weather. The wind is whipping around like crazy outside. I'm glad I put the flannel sheets on last night.

Because I've been a Little Gloomy-gus, lately...

I decided to lift from GC's site and do a more light-hearted post:

The Name Game

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car):
Muff Puff Cruiser

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe):
Cherry Mule

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal):
Purple Elephant

4.Your soap opera name (your middle name, city where you were born):
Lorraine Atlanta

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name):
Stoman

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink):
Black Mai Tai

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers):
Willie Johnny

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy):
K.L. Chocolate Covered Cherry

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter):
Williams Waco

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower):
Autumn Orchid

11.Cartoon name (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now):
Pineapple Shorts

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree):
Oatmeal Palm

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived):
Muff Puff Kurt

Missing You

Sunday afternoon morphed into Sunday evening quickly. Hubby gathered his things and departed, leaving me wondering if I was going to be able to sleep as well as I'd slept the night before. He's been vacillating over the idea of whether we're really working on issues, or spending so much time missing each other that we can't even see them anymore. I suppose it's true, but it's definitely hard to think clearly when you miss someone so much.

He called on the drive back and we talked for about half an hour. It was akin to our days as budding lovers. I could almost feel the same aura (if that's what you call it) around us as we talked. When I hung up, it was hard to sleep but somehow I drifted away. The phone brought me back with a start. I was sweating buckets under the extra blanket I'd thrown over the bed to duplicate hubby's heat (not the same at all...sincerely!). When I answered, I knew I sounded like I'd been running but I was still sort of asleep. Hubby was coming back. He got all the way there, then turned around. My heart lept into my throat. I couldn't believe how happy I felt. He was back and next to me, just as I was beginning to doze off again. Another night of extraordinary passion. What a way to cap off the weekend!

Monday, he was gone running errands and I worked up until around 12:30pm. Then, he was home and we ate lunch together and started a movie. Lunch over, I had a conference call to jump on then a few more items to clear up before ending the work day. He stuck around the entire time. The babe arrived home from school and started on her typing homework/drill. Hubby and I snuck off for another tryst in the spare bedroom downstairs. He reminded me that he wasn't expecting anything from me. I explained that I was taking all I could get while he was around. No shame.

Hubby's plans were to leave at 6:00, but we ended up shopping for holiday decor for the house then picking up dinner at McDonald's (so wonderful for my figure, I gotta tell you). It'd would have been okay if I'd gotten in my second workout but, oh well. The babe also received a very belated birthday gift by mail (a lovely winter coat from my father). At least it's something she can use and use a lot.

By 8:45, I was trying to convince hubby to stay. He didn't have clothes, but mentioned that it would have been so easy to "cave in" if they'd been here. The day had been restful, relaxing and fun. We are truly enjoying each other. On the phone (on his way back), he wondered when we would really dig into the troubles that began the separation in the first place.

"Let's do it," I said. The faster we can move through and make a plan for the future, the faster he can come back home. At least, that's my way of viewing things. So, the day of reckoning is supposedly Wednesday evening. We'll be discussing and documenting, so that we have reference for what we're going to do when things rear their ugly heads.

"I don't want to go back to the way things were, not when things are so good right now. If we did, I don't think either one of us could take it," hubby said. My hubby is wise and he constantly reminds me of how weak I can be. Not intentionally, of course...for my hubby sees me as being stronger than he is. I don't believe this is true at all.

Misunderstandings All Around

So, it turns out my hubby wasn't at work on Saturday. I went forward with my "no communication" plan and it sort of blew up in my face. Turns out he didn't say he was calling me back for sure. He only said that he might. He ended up out and about with his phone off, so didn't know I had called until the next day. We got into a huge argument that could have turned ugly, but instead brought us closer. A better understanding of why it's so important that we communicate clearly to each other. He ended up watching the kids while I went to Salt Lake. Then, when I returned, we cuddled on the couch and watched movies. I picked up some take-out and we ate better than we've eaten all week. He kept dozing because he was sleeping better than he'd slept all week (same here).

I put the kids to bed and got ready to take a shower, when he suddenly poked his head in and asked if he could join me. Well, of course! He washed my hair (which, I can honestly say, I would pay him to do if he didn't just do it willingly) and made out a bit under the hot, steamy spray. It was magic. We met again in the living room and drank chardonnay and talked. We talked and talked and talked till it was nearly midnight. Of course, he spent the night and absence has definitely made the heart grow fonder.

I had to remind him, though, that my email was littered with frustration and that when he saw it, he may become irritated all over again. I described fairly well what I'd said and he felt like it just wasn't worth the frustration for either of us, so he would most likely delete it when he saw it. He apologized again for not having his phone on and for also being upset with me for not having mine on. "I can't very well get mad at you about something I did myself," he said.

Summary: We're missing each other terribly. It was probably the best weekend in a long time, and we really didn't do much. we agreed that the "talking" thing was so important and should continue. He loves me as much as I love him and we do want this to work. It rained all day Saturday and this morning, but by noon, the sun was out and the air was crisp and clean. It was absolutely beautiful this afternoon. I love the fall! We also decorated our stoop in Halloweeny stuff. (I took the picture above just after the rain. The way the clouds nearly touch the ground here, clearly speaks to our elevation.)

Left in the Lurch

I was having a pretty good night until my hubby didn't call me back (like he said he would). I went over to drop off my daughter for a sleepover last night, ended up having a few glasses of wine with the friend's mother. When her dad got home, we all sat and chatted for long time. It was fun but I wanted my hubby there to chat with too. It could have been nice, the two couples, even though we aren't "together" right now. I thought, "a step in the right direction", but he decided not to answer his phone...all night.

By midnight, I was done and went to bed. I really wasn't tired, I had just come to the realization that he didn't want to talk to me. He's probably had enough my emotional outbursts (if that's what they are) and would rather just not deal with me for a while. It's fine. I won't try to call and I'll calm down (if not cease altogether) communications from my end. I certainly don't want to seem like "stalker wife" or "hassle-me girl". I did ask him through email that he make arrangements to take the kids at least two days per week. GC said it in a comment earlier and I really got to thinking about it, "He separated from me not our children." I know that he doesn't have a bed set yet for the room, but the oldest would be thrilled to sleepover in a sleeping bag. Indy has had a port-a-crib since the beginning. They could easily sleep over on Tuesday and Thursday nights and he could drop them off on his way to work in the mornings. It may mean changing his workout schedules or whatever, but that's what you do for your children, right?

It's too early to be so all-over-the-place in my head and I can feel a head ache coming on. I'm going to refocus my thoughts and try to do things for the kids and house today. I'm thinking of getting some new curtains for the kitchen. The ones that we have are drab and boring and I do so love the fall. We sort of have a fall-like color scheme in our house anyway. The babe will be at her friend's until late this morning, so I can shop with Indy.

So, I won't be a slave to my cell phone. Once the girls are with me, that joker is going off. Emergency? I'll turn it back on to call the tow-guy. Other than that...

Let's Do it Again/No Repeats

The dinner was wonderful...much better than I thought it would be (oh, and not necessarily the food...that was just average). It took my mind off things for a while. Then, as we were talking about babies and getting up in the night to take care of them, my girlfriend said, "I bet you didn't even have to nudge "hubby" when Indy was a baby. I bet he just got up. He just adores you! He loves you so much." I swear I wanted to cry right there. I did my best to hold it in. I guess acting runs in the family cause she didn't seem to notice I was in turmoil.

After a little more chatting, we got ready to leave and I told them I wanted to do the dinner again soon. Really...I need this. I need the distraction, the support of women. Women who are human too and who are also dealing with true issues. One friend's sex drive is gone, so her hubby is convinced she doesn't want him anymore (she's recently had a baby, so this is totally normal...of course, he doesn't know this). One is trying to adopt a child, since she cannot conceive on her own. She's very thin and has had medical issues most of her life, but the bureaucracy of adoption and medical tests is preventing her dream currently. The other, who was married five years ago, didn't want children at the time of marriage (neither did he). Now, she's aching for a baby and he's still not interested. He's older (there is an 8 year age difference, so convincing him is not going to be easy).

I made it home and got dressed for bed, then I went looking for hubby. I let him know that I was home, but there was no rush for him to leave. He seemed a little "lost" in his thoughts, but got up and started to prepare to leave. He told me that his "landlords" were off in Vegas and it would be his first night handling the house alarm by himself (he was a bit worried). I walked him to the door and then we hugged. I fell apart. I laid on his shoulder and just cried. A minute or two passed and I felt him trying to pull away, "Don't let me go," I said. He didn't. He held me as I tried to pull myself together. He asked me if I wanted to turn on my cell phone so that he could call me from the car. Of course, I agreed. A few minutes later, my phone rang and we talked about how all this was going a bit. We're both so confused. Trying to use the time to figure our relationship is the point of the separation. His concern is that our emotions are so tied up, it's hard for us to be objective. He's probably right. He asked about coming over Sunday and, of course, I agreed. He also mentioned that as soon as I told him my sister was willing to watch the kids on Saturday, he was ready to plan stuff for us.

"Why didn't you? I thought part of this was that we would go on dates and stuff...get reacquainted."

"It's only been three...three...has it been three? Hmm. It seems longer. Three days and I'm trying to do all this stuff, planning stuff to do together. We haven't given ourselves enough time yet to know what this is like."

"I know what this is like and I hate it!"

"I know, but we need the time to start working things out, if things are going to work out. If we just got back together and forgot everything, then things started going bad again, I don't think we'd recover from that spiral."

Honestly, he's right.

Surrounding Myself with Friends

Last night was a little better, but not great. After I talked to hubby and found out that he's sleeping better, in fact "great" was how he described it. I was a little irritated. I suppose it was a natural reaction; why should he be sleeping better when I'm completely miserable (as is his daughter)? He later said that he slept better because he hadn't slept at all the night before. So, his body was exhausted. He felt good about getting four hours. I was less irritated after hearing this, but still annoyed. I just envision him having a grand ole time with his friends and chatting away on his new laptop (did I mention this? He bought one from my office). He does the chatting (or at least, I envision him doing this), while I'm at home playing task manager to our kids. He ran errands last night, then returned to the "house". I helped with homework, prepared dinners and entertained children. Then, we read a bit more of The Tale of Desperaux before bed.

This morning, I was so unhappy and beside myself that I was talking myself out of working. What's the point? Why bother? I was so unmotivated, not because I don't want to whip my body into shape, but because of just general depression. I had to will myself out of my bed and get on the elliptical. I rationalized that even 30 minutes was better than nothing. Being the competitive soul that I am, however, I managed the entire hour. I felt a little better (probably the endorphins), but not by much. There's only so much endorphins can do, you know?

Tonight I'm going out to dinner with friends. I actually got invited out to dinner next Tuesday as well, but we'll see how generous hubby is feeling about watching the kids. I don't know what plans he's making or if people are suddenly vying for his attention. At any rate, I will go and try to enjoy myself. These are ladies that I like, so that will help. You know how sometimes you're invited by one friend, but 8 other folks come that you don't know? Discomfort could be the word for the evening, if they turn out to be ill-mannered or unfriendly. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that tonight. I will miss the debates but...do I really need to see them? I already know who I'm voting for (wink, wink).

Saturday, I have to go into town and rehearse with my family. I'm not thrilled about doing this (the whole singing bit), but I will get paid for the final event. I imagine that the money will go to Christmas presents for the kids. Man, families can suck you dry! lol!!

I wanted to take my girls to the amusement park we have here this weekend. This weekend in particular, because it's time for conference (the biannual meet-fest the Mormons here have). They'll all be downtown listening to the speakers and attending the events. The rest of the heathens can go shopping and amuse ourselves in places, usually overrun with people. Unfortunately, it's also supposed to be dead-ass cold and I'm not eager to have sick kiddlets again. If it doesn't rain or freeze-out, I may still take them. There are also corn-mazes here and that might be easier to deal with physically and financially (the damn amusement park charges for my 2 year old. What the hell?!).

Two Nights Down...I Guess

Last night after the babe and I got home from dance, I noticed she was crying and I asked her what was wrong.

"I miss my daddy, " she said. I told her I missed him too and I was really serious. I also told her to take a "lovey" to bed with her, which might help her sleep (seems dad and I aren't the only ones not sleeping well). Even with the pillows that carry his cologne/scent, I still toss and turn all night. He told me last night that the first night (Monday night), he didn't sleep at all. I popped up at 2:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. Last night (or this morning, rather), it was 3:40am. Honestly, I think that's the time he usually goes to work. I don't normally hear him when he's shuffling around here getting ready for work but, maybe subconsciously I do, which might explain why I popped awake at those particular times. Are we still connected even mentally? How nuts is that?!

I was going to have a glass of wine last night to help me sleep, but thought better of it. Now, I'm sort of regretting that I didn't. At least it would have helped me sleep through the night (of course, I could become dependent on it's acting as a sedative too, which wouldn't be good). I did, however, make good on my word and post the new goals on the other site...you know, the whole focus thing. I'd been doing pretty well until last night when the 128 ounces of water I'd drunk prevented my appetite from appearing until after 8:00pm. I knew I should eat something (my hubby whispering in my ear, even when he's not around...telling me that if I don't, my body will just hang on to the other stuff) , so I did and not the best things. Still, I didn't go as overboard as I could have. I think most nights I'll be happy with a big bowl of cereal. Most of my cooking will be for the benefit of the children anyway. I'm not one to eat when depressed...that, sadly, is my sister's lot in life.

Work seems to be the only stable thing (besides the children) right now. Our new person is pretty well trained. She's really sharp and (as a bonus) delightful. Such a change from my last coworker, who's house I will be going to for brunch on Sunday. That should be interesting. I'm not sure how to tone down how thrilled we are about her replacement. It's such a better match and I think she'll be so happy, where "J" never was. Each time we've talked, she's talked about work and even asked about specific tasks. She says it was hard to let go of. I guess I just can't imagine being so unhappy somewhere and not just making the break clean. My last job was like that; I couldn't wait to get out, and when I did? That was it. I was done. We'll see how the brunch goes.

I talked to hubby on the phone about four times yesterday. Each time, he sounded sad and confused. The deal fell through with his getting a bedroom set for the place. Currently, he's sleeping in another room that's already furnished. He said it's very nice. Still, the no bedroom furniture and not sleeping put a downer on his day. I think I projected the same feelings. He stuck around last week because he just couldn't get organized to leave. In his heart, he really didn't want to and told me that he had been trying to talk himself out of it. Ultimately, logic won out and he slept away Monday night. I truly hate sleeping alone and even when he's only gone for short trips, I never get my pattern down. When he used to work graveyards, it took months for me to get used to my biological furnace not being there next to me. It doesn't help that the nights are getting colder (we're supposed to drop down into the 40s this weekend) and so is our bed. I hope this doesn't last long...I guess I really hope that he feels we're worth saving. I've always chosen to fight. I hope he's fighting too.