Missing You

Sunday afternoon morphed into Sunday evening quickly. Hubby gathered his things and departed, leaving me wondering if I was going to be able to sleep as well as I'd slept the night before. He's been vacillating over the idea of whether we're really working on issues, or spending so much time missing each other that we can't even see them anymore. I suppose it's true, but it's definitely hard to think clearly when you miss someone so much.

He called on the drive back and we talked for about half an hour. It was akin to our days as budding lovers. I could almost feel the same aura (if that's what you call it) around us as we talked. When I hung up, it was hard to sleep but somehow I drifted away. The phone brought me back with a start. I was sweating buckets under the extra blanket I'd thrown over the bed to duplicate hubby's heat (not the same at all...sincerely!). When I answered, I knew I sounded like I'd been running but I was still sort of asleep. Hubby was coming back. He got all the way there, then turned around. My heart lept into my throat. I couldn't believe how happy I felt. He was back and next to me, just as I was beginning to doze off again. Another night of extraordinary passion. What a way to cap off the weekend!

Monday, he was gone running errands and I worked up until around 12:30pm. Then, he was home and we ate lunch together and started a movie. Lunch over, I had a conference call to jump on then a few more items to clear up before ending the work day. He stuck around the entire time. The babe arrived home from school and started on her typing homework/drill. Hubby and I snuck off for another tryst in the spare bedroom downstairs. He reminded me that he wasn't expecting anything from me. I explained that I was taking all I could get while he was around. No shame.

Hubby's plans were to leave at 6:00, but we ended up shopping for holiday decor for the house then picking up dinner at McDonald's (so wonderful for my figure, I gotta tell you). It'd would have been okay if I'd gotten in my second workout but, oh well. The babe also received a very belated birthday gift by mail (a lovely winter coat from my father). At least it's something she can use and use a lot.

By 8:45, I was trying to convince hubby to stay. He didn't have clothes, but mentioned that it would have been so easy to "cave in" if they'd been here. The day had been restful, relaxing and fun. We are truly enjoying each other. On the phone (on his way back), he wondered when we would really dig into the troubles that began the separation in the first place.

"Let's do it," I said. The faster we can move through and make a plan for the future, the faster he can come back home. At least, that's my way of viewing things. So, the day of reckoning is supposedly Wednesday evening. We'll be discussing and documenting, so that we have reference for what we're going to do when things rear their ugly heads.

"I don't want to go back to the way things were, not when things are so good right now. If we did, I don't think either one of us could take it," hubby said. My hubby is wise and he constantly reminds me of how weak I can be. Not intentionally, of course...for my hubby sees me as being stronger than he is. I don't believe this is true at all.

Misunderstandings All Around

So, it turns out my hubby wasn't at work on Saturday. I went forward with my "no communication" plan and it sort of blew up in my face. Turns out he didn't say he was calling me back for sure. He only said that he might. He ended up out and about with his phone off, so didn't know I had called until the next day. We got into a huge argument that could have turned ugly, but instead brought us closer. A better understanding of why it's so important that we communicate clearly to each other. He ended up watching the kids while I went to Salt Lake. Then, when I returned, we cuddled on the couch and watched movies. I picked up some take-out and we ate better than we've eaten all week. He kept dozing because he was sleeping better than he'd slept all week (same here).

I put the kids to bed and got ready to take a shower, when he suddenly poked his head in and asked if he could join me. Well, of course! He washed my hair (which, I can honestly say, I would pay him to do if he didn't just do it willingly) and made out a bit under the hot, steamy spray. It was magic. We met again in the living room and drank chardonnay and talked. We talked and talked and talked till it was nearly midnight. Of course, he spent the night and absence has definitely made the heart grow fonder.

I had to remind him, though, that my email was littered with frustration and that when he saw it, he may become irritated all over again. I described fairly well what I'd said and he felt like it just wasn't worth the frustration for either of us, so he would most likely delete it when he saw it. He apologized again for not having his phone on and for also being upset with me for not having mine on. "I can't very well get mad at you about something I did myself," he said.

Summary: We're missing each other terribly. It was probably the best weekend in a long time, and we really didn't do much. we agreed that the "talking" thing was so important and should continue. He loves me as much as I love him and we do want this to work. It rained all day Saturday and this morning, but by noon, the sun was out and the air was crisp and clean. It was absolutely beautiful this afternoon. I love the fall! We also decorated our stoop in Halloweeny stuff. (I took the picture above just after the rain. The way the clouds nearly touch the ground here, clearly speaks to our elevation.)

Left in the Lurch

I was having a pretty good night until my hubby didn't call me back (like he said he would). I went over to drop off my daughter for a sleepover last night, ended up having a few glasses of wine with the friend's mother. When her dad got home, we all sat and chatted for long time. It was fun but I wanted my hubby there to chat with too. It could have been nice, the two couples, even though we aren't "together" right now. I thought, "a step in the right direction", but he decided not to answer his phone...all night.

By midnight, I was done and went to bed. I really wasn't tired, I had just come to the realization that he didn't want to talk to me. He's probably had enough my emotional outbursts (if that's what they are) and would rather just not deal with me for a while. It's fine. I won't try to call and I'll calm down (if not cease altogether) communications from my end. I certainly don't want to seem like "stalker wife" or "hassle-me girl". I did ask him through email that he make arrangements to take the kids at least two days per week. GC said it in a comment earlier and I really got to thinking about it, "He separated from me not our children." I know that he doesn't have a bed set yet for the room, but the oldest would be thrilled to sleepover in a sleeping bag. Indy has had a port-a-crib since the beginning. They could easily sleep over on Tuesday and Thursday nights and he could drop them off on his way to work in the mornings. It may mean changing his workout schedules or whatever, but that's what you do for your children, right?

It's too early to be so all-over-the-place in my head and I can feel a head ache coming on. I'm going to refocus my thoughts and try to do things for the kids and house today. I'm thinking of getting some new curtains for the kitchen. The ones that we have are drab and boring and I do so love the fall. We sort of have a fall-like color scheme in our house anyway. The babe will be at her friend's until late this morning, so I can shop with Indy.

So, I won't be a slave to my cell phone. Once the girls are with me, that joker is going off. Emergency? I'll turn it back on to call the tow-guy. Other than that...

Let's Do it Again/No Repeats

The dinner was wonderful...much better than I thought it would be (oh, and not necessarily the food...that was just average). It took my mind off things for a while. Then, as we were talking about babies and getting up in the night to take care of them, my girlfriend said, "I bet you didn't even have to nudge "hubby" when Indy was a baby. I bet he just got up. He just adores you! He loves you so much." I swear I wanted to cry right there. I did my best to hold it in. I guess acting runs in the family cause she didn't seem to notice I was in turmoil.

After a little more chatting, we got ready to leave and I told them I wanted to do the dinner again soon. Really...I need this. I need the distraction, the support of women. Women who are human too and who are also dealing with true issues. One friend's sex drive is gone, so her hubby is convinced she doesn't want him anymore (she's recently had a baby, so this is totally normal...of course, he doesn't know this). One is trying to adopt a child, since she cannot conceive on her own. She's very thin and has had medical issues most of her life, but the bureaucracy of adoption and medical tests is preventing her dream currently. The other, who was married five years ago, didn't want children at the time of marriage (neither did he). Now, she's aching for a baby and he's still not interested. He's older (there is an 8 year age difference, so convincing him is not going to be easy).

I made it home and got dressed for bed, then I went looking for hubby. I let him know that I was home, but there was no rush for him to leave. He seemed a little "lost" in his thoughts, but got up and started to prepare to leave. He told me that his "landlords" were off in Vegas and it would be his first night handling the house alarm by himself (he was a bit worried). I walked him to the door and then we hugged. I fell apart. I laid on his shoulder and just cried. A minute or two passed and I felt him trying to pull away, "Don't let me go," I said. He didn't. He held me as I tried to pull myself together. He asked me if I wanted to turn on my cell phone so that he could call me from the car. Of course, I agreed. A few minutes later, my phone rang and we talked about how all this was going a bit. We're both so confused. Trying to use the time to figure our relationship is the point of the separation. His concern is that our emotions are so tied up, it's hard for us to be objective. He's probably right. He asked about coming over Sunday and, of course, I agreed. He also mentioned that as soon as I told him my sister was willing to watch the kids on Saturday, he was ready to plan stuff for us.

"Why didn't you? I thought part of this was that we would go on dates and stuff...get reacquainted."

"It's only been three...three...has it been three? Hmm. It seems longer. Three days and I'm trying to do all this stuff, planning stuff to do together. We haven't given ourselves enough time yet to know what this is like."

"I know what this is like and I hate it!"

"I know, but we need the time to start working things out, if things are going to work out. If we just got back together and forgot everything, then things started going bad again, I don't think we'd recover from that spiral."

Honestly, he's right.

Two Nights Down...I Guess

Last night after the babe and I got home from dance, I noticed she was crying and I asked her what was wrong.

"I miss my daddy, " she said. I told her I missed him too and I was really serious. I also told her to take a "lovey" to bed with her, which might help her sleep (seems dad and I aren't the only ones not sleeping well). Even with the pillows that carry his cologne/scent, I still toss and turn all night. He told me last night that the first night (Monday night), he didn't sleep at all. I popped up at 2:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. Last night (or this morning, rather), it was 3:40am. Honestly, I think that's the time he usually goes to work. I don't normally hear him when he's shuffling around here getting ready for work but, maybe subconsciously I do, which might explain why I popped awake at those particular times. Are we still connected even mentally? How nuts is that?!

I was going to have a glass of wine last night to help me sleep, but thought better of it. Now, I'm sort of regretting that I didn't. At least it would have helped me sleep through the night (of course, I could become dependent on it's acting as a sedative too, which wouldn't be good). I did, however, make good on my word and post the new goals on the other site...you know, the whole focus thing. I'd been doing pretty well until last night when the 128 ounces of water I'd drunk prevented my appetite from appearing until after 8:00pm. I knew I should eat something (my hubby whispering in my ear, even when he's not around...telling me that if I don't, my body will just hang on to the other stuff) , so I did and not the best things. Still, I didn't go as overboard as I could have. I think most nights I'll be happy with a big bowl of cereal. Most of my cooking will be for the benefit of the children anyway. I'm not one to eat when depressed...that, sadly, is my sister's lot in life.

Work seems to be the only stable thing (besides the children) right now. Our new person is pretty well trained. She's really sharp and (as a bonus) delightful. Such a change from my last coworker, who's house I will be going to for brunch on Sunday. That should be interesting. I'm not sure how to tone down how thrilled we are about her replacement. It's such a better match and I think she'll be so happy, where "J" never was. Each time we've talked, she's talked about work and even asked about specific tasks. She says it was hard to let go of. I guess I just can't imagine being so unhappy somewhere and not just making the break clean. My last job was like that; I couldn't wait to get out, and when I did? That was it. I was done. We'll see how the brunch goes.

I talked to hubby on the phone about four times yesterday. Each time, he sounded sad and confused. The deal fell through with his getting a bedroom set for the place. Currently, he's sleeping in another room that's already furnished. He said it's very nice. Still, the no bedroom furniture and not sleeping put a downer on his day. I think I projected the same feelings. He stuck around last week because he just couldn't get organized to leave. In his heart, he really didn't want to and told me that he had been trying to talk himself out of it. Ultimately, logic won out and he slept away Monday night. I truly hate sleeping alone and even when he's only gone for short trips, I never get my pattern down. When he used to work graveyards, it took months for me to get used to my biological furnace not being there next to me. It doesn't help that the nights are getting colder (we're supposed to drop down into the 40s this weekend) and so is our bed. I hope this doesn't last long...I guess I really hope that he feels we're worth saving. I've always chosen to fight. I hope he's fighting too.

Changing My Focus

Hubby was home the entire weekend and I was glad he was here, but he seems set on being gone tonight. It's been hard for both of us and the babe. We're doing our best to answer her questions and alleviate her fears. She's been asking why daddy is still at home, which is interesting. I think she'd found some sort of acceptance (I guess that's good).

I have to say, I'm really glad September is almost over (the month of change). Usually, it's a tough month for me...although, last year wasn't so bad. This year has been a pip! (do people still say that?) We're also in the midst of a retrograde, if you believe in the chaos of those...don't sign any contracts or make any major plans. Things will be weird (communication wise) for the next few weeks. Nice to come off of September with more drama, eh?

I've been trying to move myself into the spirit of the season by digging out my favorite horror flicks. So far, I've re watched Maximum Overdrive, Rosemary's Baby, Prom Night, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Lost Boys, and Christine. I have so many that I thought getting them in on the tail-end of September was best. I'm so OCD, even about movies. What's my deal?!

Finally, I've been training with hubby for several weeks now. Although, I feel stronger better (even tighter), I'm not dropping the weight I'd like to. I know I have to eat more calories to feed my muscles, but I'm just not happy with the number. I know...OCD to the max! So, I'm going to mix and match; combine hubby's training with my diet strategies. I think that will do the trick. My new goal is to get these pesky pounds off by the holidays. I won't give the magic number here, but I'll keep track on the other site as best I can (I've been doing pretty well this month. Actually, much better than I thought I could). I think if I have something tangible to focus on, I'll be able to cope with his not being around a little bit better. I suppose I should reset my goals list on the other site (I'll do that today).

One More Day

Hubby moves out tomorrow. I'm still in a bit of shock around all this. We told the babe and she took it just as I suspected she would. She was very sad and her questions were centered on the exact same things I'm worried about. He would say, "I'll be back to shovel snow, " and she'd totally freak out. It's the time frame in which (I guess in his mind) he sees himself away from us. Then, she wondered how often he'd be around. I've wondered that myself, even though he says he'll be here to see the kids. We'll he be here to see me too?

Time to Tell

Today's the day we break the news to the babe. I told hubby that we have to have a "happy" place planned for after, so that she understands that we still love her, we're still a family and we want to try and make things better. Hubby seems really nervous, as am I. She's such a sensitive soul and I hate to see her truly saddened. I don't know how this is going to go, but I'm hopeful that she'll understand how important this is, ultimately.

He "moves out" on Tuesday and it still seems a bit surreal. This isn't public knowledge. We're not telling our families and we're trying to keep this as private as possible (save this blog and his, if he's writing about it). I'm going to try my best for a good weekend, despite what's ahead next week.