Life Can Really Suck!

Oh, and it can in a big way! I was back in the hospital Wednesday night with contractions coming 6 minutes apart. Still only Braxton Hicks but, 6 minutes? My husband's sleep apnea is going to turn me into a murderess because I kept trying to get him to wake up and show me support, any kind of support. I was scared, frustrated, confused...It wasn't until I'd made several trips to my car (packing it with stuff like my laptop, hospital bag and purse) that he arose and tried to do something. I was in tears by then as he tried to convince me to sit and talk to him. Please! After my doc had already said, go to the emergency room ten minutes prior, I'm supposed to sit around and psychoanalyze life with him? Bullshit! "I can't talk to you right now. You should have talked to me before. Now, I have to go to the emergency room."

So, I called my mother (I've been doing that a lot lately). She met me at the hospital, with no questions asked, at 11:00 on a work night. They injected me every hour, on the hour (3xs) with the tributelene in order to stop the contractions. I got home at around or a little after 2:00am and crashed. Thursday, I worked from home and my hubby (who finally decided to contribute to the living) took the little one to school and my mother picked her up and brought her home. (Yes. After all that, my mother dragged her tired butt to work). She's an awesome mom and she's getting baked goods for being so!(Which is sooo not enough for all that she does).

I went to work, yesterday (much to my boss's dismay. He was worried about my health...actually concerned about me!) and sat in on an interview as well as worked on the daily tasks that had built up during the interview. Contractions came, but not nearly as frequently. Hubby redeemed himself a bit by showing up at my office 45 minutes after I got there with breakfast goodies. This is the hubby I know...the kind, generous man who is concerned about others, but I fear it's fading fast. This morning, he told me about all the stuff going on in his mind lately, as he drove to work for training; the possible job change, his difficulties with his family as of late, and the drama within our relationship. I was frank with him and said that I didn't feel selfish thinking that a husband should only want his wife and how I felt about his relationships (so far platonic) with other women. He told me that the counselors he's been seeing have both said that he's implanted the potential of a possible break-up between us in his mind that has been there for years and that they don't know his strength or foresee how he's going to get past it or everything else he's been going through. It was devastating to hear and he even said it was not what he wanted or was expecting to hear. Truly a "Christian" counselor would have given him a totally different perspective, but I don't know if he'll ever go that route.

I love my family and enjoy being a wife and mother. It's wild because I never thought I would play either of these roles. I know how hard I am to live with (total perfectionist) and how selfish I can sometimes be (with him, not my daughter), but fate had other plans. I married young (but not ignorantly) and had my hubby all to myself for two years before our first child showed up (unplanned, of course). The same with this baby. We were "Three's Company" for five years before she appeared, unplanned, but loved all the same. I've always felt that everything happened within the time it was supposed to happen and in the way that it happened for a reason. I can't bear to think that, if hubby gets this job, he'll go to Vegas without us and like it...like the freedom of being without a wife and house to think about. Enjoy the idea of being able to date again and "experiment" the way he wants to. I already know he'll miss his girls, but I'm not exactly sure he'll miss me. Oh, how I hate this!

I'm not sure how to handle things well, right now. I'm a logic based person for the most part, but being pregnant throws logic right out of the window. Every time we talk about this stuff, I get all emotional, can't think straight and start to cry. Believe me, it's definitely worth crying over, but I miss the me that can reason things out with relative sanity. That me is on vacation until the baby comes. How I miss her! I despise walking around with my heart on my sleeve. Hubby says that he appreciates that I'm this way and he feels I'm being more honest. Perhaps I am. It's just not what I'm used to. If only there could be a happy medium.

So, it's nearly 8:00 am here in Utah...the snow is falling again and my yard (which was green last night) is completely white this morning. I have to take the babe to a birthday party, all the way into Salt Lake. I also have to do something with the rat's nest on her head (I've let it go for several weeks, poor thing). She'll be styling by the time I'm done (I hope!). I'll be thinking and praying a lot, over the next few weeks. I've given everything up to the higher power and asked for guidance, but humans are stubborn (as am I) and I continue to try to resolve things by myself. It ain't happening. Therefore, I need to just chill out and think about trying to keep this baby "in the oven" for at least two more weeks as well as focus on caring for my kindergartener, who has no idea the strife her parents are going through. That's really all I can do...but it still hurts and plagues me. I have a lot of fear I've got to let go and my life is so not my own, right now.