Emerging from a Dream

The last few days have been incredibly hard. Every time hubby and I talk, it's about "how we're going to make the separation work," and "what to do about the children." I've been sort of walking in a dream state, not really knowing whether I was coming or going. He says that it's the same for him; he doesn't have all the answers and isn't sure what the rules are.

Wednesday morning, in an attempt to be more honest and open with my hubby and because I felt I really had nothing to lose, I exposed myself completely; I gave him this site. It's probably the one of the most freeing things I've ever done. I really didn't expect to feel that way about a silly web site, but there are so many of my feelings, ideas, and thoughts stored here. Not just my history but his as well. The phone calls he's made to me have now been about the things he's read here and how he appreciates the honesty I've expressed. He's even talking about writing again himself (one of the many things we have in common, but that he hasn't acted upon in a long, long time). Initially, I thought, "If I tell him about the site, how can I possibly say all the things that I say here, knowing he's reading it?" Perhaps it's the open forum mentality that kicks in because I'm not having that issue at all.

Last night as we prepared dinner, we talked for a long time about whether his moving out was really the best option. I could tell by his tone, even before he said anything, that he was vacillating about what to do. I reminded him that he'd made his decision and then he said, "Yes. I made the decision, not we." I also reminded him that he knew where I stood and what I wanted and that was not for him to leave. Leaving could create a myriad of new problems and he discussed the fact that he would probably withdraw and work more if he wasn't in the house. Certainly not a productive way to help a marriage, right?

After we all ate and the girls had been put to bed, we turned on music and talked more. So, he will not go and we will try to figure things out with him home and in our bed (which is where he ended up last night after a wonderfully, passionate make-up). It was the first night I've slept well in nearly two weeks and I was bitter when the alarm went off at 4:15 this morning (A hex on you, you blasted alarm!) I can only imagine his thoughts when he woke up at 2ish this morning. I just didn't want the night to end.

So, we move forward and try to figure things out just as married couples do. I don't have to fret about separate homes and kid-sharing anymore, but I don't dare relax and let the issues melt away in the fire. They're still there to wrestle with, but I have new found hope that we'll figure them out. I'm really looking forward to our ten year, now. What an adventure it has been. I love you, honey.