Change: It's Time for a New Direction

Well, Blogger has done it and joined the Google world. I'm thinking I'll shimmy on over to WordPress but, haven't quite decided yet which direction I'll go. I'll do a bit of reflecting to see what's to come. The important thing is; I'm making changes. Great, big, huge changes that will effect me for the rest of my life.

First off, it's time to leave my job. I've devoted over a decade of my life to one company. I have seen it in it's infancy and now, as it becomes a powerhouse in the educational world. Somethings have been wonderful, while others have made me want to run screaming into the hills. All in all, I have grown and learned a lot about who I am and what's important to me.

Secondly, my household is finally feeling the most stable it's been in a long time, but my stress has kept me from truly enjoying it. If I'm ever going to find my bliss, I need to immerse myself in the goodness that is present now. How do I do this? By letting go of negative elements that are harboring in my life. I release those things publicly now. No longer will you hold me back from being the best me I can be.

Finally, I have to release fear. My anxiety is holding me hostage and I'm completely fed up. It's time for me to take back my freedom. It may take some deliberation, but patience is a virtue. I will take my time and work my way through it, so that I can have my freedom again.

I keep saying, "I'm back," but these old habits and tired ways prevent me from really being here to write like I want to. I have ideas to share and opinions to express, not just verbally, but through the pen (or keypad, as it were). If anyone is listening isn't really a concern; however, I do love my blogger family and appreciate the amazing insight that's available here.

A person of service who hasn't been of service the way she truly wants to.

It's my season; my time. Change is now.

Irritated and Borderline Pissed

I sometimes feel like a crazy person when I get these feelings. Are they real? Am I just jumping too conclusions? Does anyone else act or feel like this? For the past couple of nights when hubby's called, it's been all about him. "This is what happened, this is what I ate, this is where I went". Terrific! I do want to know about all of these things, of course. Then, he talks to the babe and asks her about her day, what she did at school, what she's currently doing and what she plans to do. The phone is handed back to me and it's, "Well, this is going on..." or "I'm getting ready to go..." or "I gotta charge my phone, so I'll call you later." Can't I tell you about my day? The crappy traffic I had to endure, the jerk who cut me off on the interstate, the funny thing my coworker said? It's as if he's so self-absorbed into his world there in Nashville that he doesn't care what's going on here.

He's back today and there were things I wanted to get done before now, but you know, life happens. I would have had the lawn mowed and I actually tried to do it (I even picked up the dog droppings...ugh!) but the grass was too saturated with rain from earlier this week, the wet grass clogged up the mower and then the mower shut off. That was the end of my lawn-mowing moment. I have yet to put up the shade, but may try to do it this morning. I kind of think it's not a "twenty minutes and it's done" project.

His car needs gas. It's newer than mine and has a bigger engine. I have no idea what brand of gas he uses. Low grade? Mid? Supreme? I can't afford his gas but, I was going to be nice and fill up his car anyway. I was going to ask during our phone calls, just as I was going to tell him about the mower and the ask him what he suggested I do about it but, he never got around to seeing about life at home from my perspective. Granted, I feel bad that his crappy Ford Focus rental (pictured here) got a flat tire and the rental guy was an ass when he came out to see about the car but, he's not the only one with drama. It's different drama, but drama nonetheless.

He called last night from a live jazz club, talking about, "I forgot about how much culture there is here." Well, there is a bit of culture here, too. In fact, there are live music clubs all over the place and we never go. I've threatened to go on my own, since he seems to have no desire to take me. I tried to tell him this, but then the noise in the club crescendoed and he swore he couldn't hear what I was saying. Fine, whatever. Enjoy your live jazz with your boys and I'll be here with the kids, as always. Perhaps my irritation is coming from those feelings of being trapped in my life again. He seems to have so much more freedom and it's so unfair. I've excepted the plight as "the way of mothers" but I'm feeling more and more that this can't be it. I think I'm going to make good on my threats and go out more, leaving him with the kids. Perhaps then he can understand what it's like for me. Yeah, I'm probably dreaming.

I wish I was brave enough to pick him up from the airport tonight, take him home and say, "Okay. You had your escape, now it's my turn. The corn dogs are in the freezer and Indy's gums are tender, so give her some Children's Motrin before you put her to bed. I'm out."