Change: It's Time for a New Direction

Well, Blogger has done it and joined the Google world. I'm thinking I'll shimmy on over to WordPress but, haven't quite decided yet which direction I'll go. I'll do a bit of reflecting to see what's to come. The important thing is; I'm making changes. Great, big, huge changes that will effect me for the rest of my life.

First off, it's time to leave my job. I've devoted over a decade of my life to one company. I have seen it in it's infancy and now, as it becomes a powerhouse in the educational world. Somethings have been wonderful, while others have made me want to run screaming into the hills. All in all, I have grown and learned a lot about who I am and what's important to me.

Secondly, my household is finally feeling the most stable it's been in a long time, but my stress has kept me from truly enjoying it. If I'm ever going to find my bliss, I need to immerse myself in the goodness that is present now. How do I do this? By letting go of negative elements that are harboring in my life. I release those things publicly now. No longer will you hold me back from being the best me I can be.

Finally, I have to release fear. My anxiety is holding me hostage and I'm completely fed up. It's time for me to take back my freedom. It may take some deliberation, but patience is a virtue. I will take my time and work my way through it, so that I can have my freedom again.

I keep saying, "I'm back," but these old habits and tired ways prevent me from really being here to write like I want to. I have ideas to share and opinions to express, not just verbally, but through the pen (or keypad, as it were). If anyone is listening isn't really a concern; however, I do love my blogger family and appreciate the amazing insight that's available here.

A person of service who hasn't been of service the way she truly wants to.

It's my season; my time. Change is now.

Daughter Journaling - Day 3

Hubby and I met with Zee's teachers today. The meeting was very positive and her teachers (even before knowing about the meds) indicated that she was improving. A math score 20 points higher than she's received all year, a reading test with significant improvements. These are very good signs indeed!

Her homeroom teacher told us that Zee announced she was on the meds the other day. Mrs. S. is on the lookout to see improvements and give us feedback. I'll, of course, post anything she has to say here. She also clued me into things going on with the curriculum this week (beginning algebra concepts and Zee's Zimbabwe paper needing a cultural segment).

As for today's observations by my daughter, she alerted me that she was able to sit and be occupied for a long time during the science fair, yesterday. She received a small award for doing so today. Terrific! She let us know that, she wasn't very hungry at lunch; however, after a bit of probing, she told us that the menu consisted of a hard chicken patty, celery with dip and cake for dessert. I think it was more likely she didn't want to eat the choices presented. Who would?!

We'll be able to observe her tomorrow and Sunday for the entire twelve hour block. I'll be doing her hair (crochet braids using Toyokalon rather than pre-braided hair; my first attempt) and the process can take a while. She's pretty good with me, now that she's older, but I'm curious to see if the meds change things. We also have church on Sunday, usually followed by family activities. I hope I'm not viewing her as a guinea pig too much, but the good things that can come out of this have me so psyched! Until tomorrow...

A Little Journaling for My Daughter (Days 1 and 2)

A couple of months ago, my hubby and I were asked to meet with my eldest daughter's teachers. We did and discovered that daughter-dear is having some issues. Basically, she's struggling a bit with some of her subjects (we were already aware of this and were looking for ways to help her). She does well to a point, and then becomes very disorganized, distracted and forgetful. We dual assessed and her medical doctor determined that she is borderline ADD.

Before medicating, we talked with her about and have been strategizing with her teachers on ways to help her in the classroom. As for home, hubby and I are much more specific with our instructions and we take our time with explanations. We wanted to give everything the "old college try" before attempting more extreme measures.

The teachers are doing their part and are working with her closely. I also provided her with a digital recorder, so that she can bring her lessons home. Through all of this working with her, I've determined that she's an audio learner.

Last weekend, we went to the grocery store and my eldest really showed her true colors. It was all we could do to keep her maintained and we could see how hard it was for her to do calm down and handle what we were trying to tell her. I talked with hubby, did a bit more research and we decided to try the medication. The doctor has instructed us to watch her for 7 days (including the weekend for this week only) to see how she reacts. We were optimistic about what it could do for her and, knowing that it only stays in the system 12 hours, are hopeful the side effects, if any, aren't too much for her.

DAY 1: 1/25 (ironically, my birthday)

I gave Zee her first pill after a very hearty breakfast. When I picked her up from school, she commented on how in-tune she was to things. A friend's earring brushing against her jacket (Zee could hear it). She also commented on the striations in the pant on a door. The big eye opener was when she bumped a child in the highway, apologized then asked the girl who's class she was in. The child is in her class and has been since the beginning of the year. (Really?!)

When she came home, she proceeded to organize the entire kitchen (the pantries and the pot shelves). It was amazing! I noticed that she wasn't all over the place and was able to follow all of my instructions without forgetting everything five minutes later. I was hopeful this was all a good sign.

Hubby is incredibly intrigued, since Zee probably inherited the condition from himself. He has said that, depending on how she does, he may look into medicinal treatment. I reminded him that the drugs are often amphetamines and he would have to give up natural bodybuilding shows.

"If these help me to focus and stabilize, who cares about the shows." His words.

Day 2: 1/26

In the morning, she commented that she didn't fall asleep until twelve. Not sure if she was really wired or just excited about the prospects of what the medication is doing. With the little sleep she received, she was still up fairly early and didn't appear fatigued. She took her pill after breakfast and headed to school.

When I picked her up, she wasn't like she was yesterday, but she did appear to be fairly calm. She came home, she walked the dogs, got her snack together, played a violin song for me, then went to watch t.v with her sister. After work, I found her playing a game on her Blackberry Playbook. I asked her to do the dishes. She seemed very intent on her game. A few minutes later, I returned and asked her to do them again. Still, very into her game. I asked a third time and she went to accomplish the task. Not really sure of what to make of this, since I didn't specifically ask her to do them right then; however, after my second return to her room, it probably should have been obvious I was ready to have them cleaned.

Was the focus on the game part of the concentration? Maybe. She's not much of a gamer. She does have long periods of focus, if she's interested (drawing, dancing, listening to music). I'm also not sure if she's really just tired from lack of sleep last night. I suspect she'll head to bed with no problem anyway. Tonight was a dance night (hip-hop).

Day three tomorrow will consist of a follow-up meeting with the teachers. The nurse said the teachers probably won't see a difference until the entire seven days have passed. Her reasoning? With so many children in the class, it may not be so apparent at first. Zee happens to have nearly 45 in her room. We'll be lucky if her teacher notices in a month! I am curious, however, to see if they've noticed even a slight difference. Zee will also go to her counselor more regularly, too. She has an appointment next Friday. I want all of our bases covered. Anything we can do to help her succeed and not lose her self-esteem, will be beneficial in my book. Until tomorrow...

Just Die, Old Man Winter!

Do you know we were in the midst of a snow storm, yesterday? A.freaking.snow.storm. Yes. I was not happy. I looked super cute, but I wasn't happy. Why oh why won't old man winter just die, already? You're time is over! Get the hell outta here!

The next few days (um, May starts tomorrow?!) are supposed to be cold and rainy/snowy. The good news is that it's not sticking; however, the flowers look sad and pathetic. I looked at the ten-day forecast and, at least, Mother's day looks like it will be nice (76). Of course, we'll all have colds and flus because of this blasted weather that can't make up it's mind.

Speaking of Mother's day, I found a lovely diamond necklace for my mom. I wasn't planning on buying her diamonds, but I found this piece for a steal and just couldn't leave it in the store. It even says Mom! I hope she likes it and actually wears it. So often, she's so happy to receive things but then won't wear them. I plan on just putting it on her in church when I see her. No choices, right?

I am happy it's Friday (even though it's colder than the 9th layer of hell) but I do wish my hubby weren't off and away. He's going to Boise for his show this weekend (a five hour drive) and I won't see him until late, Sunday. I will be drowning my sorrows in computer games I purchase from Office Depot (they're having a sale, currently). My poor computer is so full of games already. I am especially fond of time management games like Diner Dash, Wedding Dash, Dairy Queen Tycoon and Delicious. So pitiful, huh?

Work Politics and Other Stuff

So much drama happening in my office right now. I don't want to convey too many details just yet, but let's just say the environment is making it easier to leave in Mid-May. Why can't people who are fortunate enough to have jobs have a strong work ethic? Why not buy two, three or four alarm clocks if you can't wake up for work? Where in the recession-hell is a lunch paid for by a company these days?

Hubby has another show on the 30th and wants the family to go. I would love to, but we're not sure if he can change his hotel plans. Also, I can't remember if the Babe has her last competition that day or not. Crazy that each of their competitions have been on the same day.

I've been living through my family, as of late. There's nothing really going on with me aside from the weight loss. I'll be moving through the next couple of phases and, hopefully, regain my former body back. Right now, I'm about six pounds less than I was when I got married 12 years ago. In a couple of weeks, I'm going to start adding my weight training back in (slowly) and tone up. That's the only aspect missing on my new physique. Happy hump day!

My Hubby is Home!

He got in around 9:00pm last night and seemed really happy to be home. I'd made sure to have some of his favorites available; lasagna, cheesy bread and an experimental cake I made. He said he'd wished he'd had the cake for pre-performance (the sugar helps with vascularity). He said the cheesecake he bought had nothing on my cake. I'll have to remember that.

He ate while I finished up watching True Blood (I'm re-watching the first season in anticipation of season 2 coming to DVD). After dinner, we talked about his adventures in Washington and he asked me what I did here, although not nearly as exciting, he seemed intrigued nonetheless. Of course, the ravaging began shortly after that (always good in my book).

I hadn't cooked so much in a long time. From making breakfast for the girls, to making a big dinner and a desert to go along with it. Everyone (including the girls) seemed very happy with the meal. Of course, due to my plan, I've been cooking a lot for myself but this was entirely different. I sort of missed it. Oh, and the smells! Candles and oils have got nothing on home cooking. My house still held the aromas this morning. Incredibly nice to wake up to.

Indy has her surgery this week and I received a card in the mail last week for pre-surgery classes. I called to register and in the midst of the recorded message was told that anyone under 14 couldn't attend because of H1N1 risks. Seriously? Are people still worried about it? My pre-teen is the one who needs this most and she's not going to be able to attend? I left a message, asking if she could wear a surgical mask or something. No response. I'll be stalking them again today. Somebody is going to tell me something, dammit.

My hubby has put my sister on a plan and she is struggling. I explained that most people are sugar/carb addicts and don't even realize it. There's refined sugar in practically everything these days. I'm surprised she didn't know this, but she really seemed shocked. Like any other addiction, she is going through withdrawals. I told her that she should be feeling a lot better in a few days. I hope she sticks with this.

Starting to Feel a Bit Sad

It's nuts that I am. Hubby is still here, in the flesh and I'm already starting to miss him. He leaves Thursday for his trip to Vancouver. I told him last night that I was dreading it because I hate sleeping alone (after nearly 12 years, it's incredibly difficult for me). I might have to lug my big teddy bear from downstairs, just to have something to cuddle with. Isn't that ridiculous. He said that for him it's tough too because he won't be in the state and won't be able to just leave whenever he feels like it. He's driving up (fourteen hours, I think) with other people and will be at the mercy of their driving and their car. Nice.

Work is okay, but that is becoming a bit emotional too. We'll all be working away and then someone will say something like, "Yeah, we'll ask you while you're still here," or "When you go away, then what will we do?" Oh, the guilt! I know it's going to be crazy hard when I go home permanently. I like to socialize (always a social butterfly, my mother used to say) and I glean energy from people. One of the IT guys told me the same thing, yesterday. He insisted that I come back into the office at least once per quarter so that he could "suck positive energy away from me." He's a great guy and has always been so kind to me. He saved my personal computer once and did it solely out of the kindness of his heart. We've had many long chats in his office with other IT guys joining in for the laughs. Yeah, I'll miss that and them.

My boss, who has changed departments, keeps milling around our department. He's on the eighth floor now and we're on the seventh. I think there isn't much socializing up there and he misses that. Seems like he's on our floor a lot more than he really needs to be. I think he's lonely, poor guy. Wonder what he'll do when he has his own team to work with? I suppose my team will hardly ever see him.

Twenty-Ten is my year for change, I guess. So many things have happened already and it's just the third month of the year! I can only imagine what the rest of the year will bring. It's exciting, but also a bit scary. For now, I'm just along for the ride reacting and acting on things brought in front of me. The good thing is that this year is already world's better than last year. For that, I am very grateful.

Time to Tell Part 2

My boss asked for a meeting the next day, when I came in. It seemed as if I put my purse on my desk and he was ready to talk. I went into his office and had the most awkward conversation I can remember ever having. He offered up options and offered up that I may seek out other positions internally. He told me how hard it was for him to wear his manager hat and his friend hat. I completely understood his position, but I was pretty firm in my feelings.

When we finished speaking, we had a brief hug (trust me, we both needed it after that talk) then I headed over to another manager's office to talk to him about my prospects. We chatted for about 10 minutes and he convinced me that I would be great in his department (did I mention, they train in office then are full-time telecommuters?) I got the ball rolling right away. I spent part of the evening and the next morning, updating my very stale looking resume. It had been five years since I touched it. I thought about what was going on five years ago. I was getting very frustrated with work and then boom! I got pregnant with Indy. It's amazing how the "signs" manifest themselves.

Resume updated, references acquired and a pretty fantabulous cover letter letter, I had submitted everything through our system. I informed the manager that it was done. At the same time, our department manager was moved to a new area...the same man who told me I had to come in. It was totally unexpected and he was told over a weekend. So, after nearly ten years of being with the company himself, he was being moved. Drama!

So, here I am waiting around to hear if I'll have a new job and here he is with a new one, without even asking for it. It's definitely a good move for him and we're all sure he'll be very happy. I had to play it cool and I noticed everyone noticing I was playing it a little too cool.

The next week, I had my interview. Fifteen minutes later, I was informed that I would have a second interview by phone involving one of the team managers. The next week, sitting in my car, we had the best time in our phone interview. I was really getting a confidence boost. Everyone seemed to think I would do a good job (I, myself wasn't too sure).

The offer was made one week later and in mid-April, I will start my new job. It's so weird but good. I'm a bit nervous, but excited. So many thoughts, feelings and emotions rolling through me right now. I guess I've moved past my crossroad.

Time to Tell

So, I've been really mysterious about the drama with my job and I haven't revealed all that has transpired here on the blog. I am ready for true confessions; however, I fear this may take a couple of posts so please, bear with me.

I've been with my company for a little over nine years. I know! It's really saying something for this day and age, where the average person changes jobs every five years. I have been, for the most part, content with my arrangements and happy with what I do. No job is perfect and I certainly have my days where I want to run through the halls screaming. Thankfully, I have yet to fulfill this fantasy. ;)

My team has been a group of four for years; the boss and the three peons, basically. We do our job, rant and rave, laugh a lot then go home. Several departments allow their employees a telecommuting option. I wrote up my proposal and successfully rallied to telecommute three days per week. It took a lot of work to get it approved, but I won out in the end.

The idea was to test it out and then make decisions on going full-time out of the office. This never happened because we changed "big" bosses and his ideas were very different from the previous boss. So, I was content to have my three days and I adjusted my family life to the new schedule. I was proud because I no longer had to live paycheck to paycheck and we could sock the former daycare money into savings. Indy still goes two days a week, but what a difference that makes!

In early February, I finished my day at work (I think it was a Monday) and then received a call from my boss. He was calling to tell me that, by March 1st, I would need to come back into the office full-time. I was devastated. I fell apart just as soon as the call ended and called my hubby. I was adamant that I would not have the distance between my work and my girls ever again. An asthmatic child can't wait for her mother to drive thirty minutes to get to her. No way!

I began to fret about what I would do. Who would watch Indy on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? How would I get the Babe to and from school? How would I pay for the monumental gas I would be faced with? What would I do if faced with a medical situation for my kids? A small still voice let me know what to do. Trust God. So, I did.

To be continued...

What Some Children Think About

When I was nine, I was worried about what kind of games to play at school, my upcoming dance recitals, the next birthday party to go to and when summer vacation would finally start. I can honestly say my worries weren't too heavy. As I approached ten, my thought process began to change. I started to think about the nature of my parent's marriage in a more mature way. I understood that their "partnership" really wasn't much of one. Talk began of moving out of state and leaving my beloved California scared me witless. Would I make new friends, if we moved? What would the children be like in Tennessee? Would they like me? Would I ever see my Californian friends again?

I remember the change happening, but it was subtle. There were still so many parts of me that were kid-like, but I did feel differently than I had before. I believe this very thing is beginning to happen with my oldest. She still has "child" talk, but now it's beginning to change into more serious subject matter.

This morning, for example. She told me that at school, yesterday, she caught site of her cousin coming onto school grounds, but she didn't seem very happy. She asked her what was wrong and her cousin told her that a fight had broken out the night before between herself and the neighbor kid (not sure if it was a physical fight or an argument). My sister-in-law heard the ruckus, came outside and broke it up. In the midst of resolving the conflict, she experienced some sort of pain in her head and ended up in the emergency room. Cousin told the babe that the pain/ailment was in the back of her head, but the doctor said that if it reached the front, her mother could die.

The babe, always being so sensitive, was even more so to hear of her aunt's terrible predicament. The babe asked where cousin would live, should her mother pass away (their father is currently in jail and has been for nearly two years). Cousin indicated that they would have to go back to Missouri to extended relatives (these are blood relatives). She was afraid to go back there because she didn't want to be abused.

Oh.My.God.

It took me a minute to gain my composure and think rationally. We knew of the problems the kids had experienced, before they moved here. They were very, very young (around 2 or three). They had been staying with their father's relatives (a sister, I think, and other cousins) while he "figured out his life" or some stuff. I dunno. After he and my sister got married, he made arrangements for custody to be restored and moved them here.

Obviously, those painful memories haven't left them. I rationalized with the babe and explained that her aunt has always gotten terrible migraines and that she's ended up in the emergency room lots of times as a result. She's on prescription medication and has to manage her stress a certain way, or those headaches appear and pretty much knock her down.

She told me that her aunt was out of the hospital that very day, so I told her to think positively. That her aunt will, hopefully, take better care of herself and not die. That she'll be around to take care of her cousins for a very, very long time...that all will be well and that they'll get to stay in Utah and be safe. Safety. That's what concerns these children.

I called hubby and asked if he'd heard about his sister being in the hospital. I also told him of the concerns the babe and her cousin were having. They have been through so much (I can't even get into all of it here) and had to grow up so fast, it would just be one more blow to their already fragile psyches. I'm glad they're in counseling and I hope that they are being honest and expressing everything in those sessions.

Shuffling the Kid

We have major construction happening on the main street in our city. They've closed down an overpass/bridge that has been a major artery for decades. A new highway will replace it, which will mean demolishing several buildings. One of these buildings includes a Mom & Pop restaurant, which catered to the military folks...large portions for great prices. Next door to this cafe is my youngest daughter's daycare (and oldest daughter's back-up care on days I work in Salt Lake during the school year and summer). Destruction for the sake of progress.

The department of transportation, lovely government entity that they are, informed the daycare director that they would be able to "work around" the daycare. This care center goes from 1 year to 12 years old and also buses students to school. The director was pleased that they were so willing to work with her. Yesterday, I arrived to drop off my youngest, only to find that the director had been given her marching orders. She's got 30 days to haul her cookies out of there so they can knock down her building. She was not even given enough to relocate the center. This is a nightmare!

We were so happy to have found a place that, not only had first rate care-givers, but only charged a minimal fee when my kids were there. Most places charge regardless and the fees are usually exorbitant. I was crushed to hear such awful news. I then became depressed because I knew all those great teachers would be out job-hunting in this god-awful economy. I talked to the assistant director for about twenty minutes, who had spent the last twenty years of her life being the "grandma" to the kids. She is single and will now have a house note with no way to pay it. Ugh!

I went care hunting, yesterday and, due to the current daycare's reputation, other care facilities in the neighborhood (who wouldn't normally take newbies) have been good about accepting new/overflow students to compensate. They are also interviewing the teachers who would otherwise be out on the street. I felt better, but still ended up crying about it to hubby.

We found a new place that I found pleasant and supportive, is in a great location and just received a massive grant for building and playground improvements. The cons? They charge nearly double and charge even when Indy isn't going to be there. Oh, well. The other option was an in-home daycare scenario. Indy would have been the oldest and the owner has her own family and two roommates living in the house. Red flag! My mother was also leery, due to all the scary stories you here about other family members coming over and doing horrible things to the children. That put me on edge, even before I toured her home.

The new place for the youngest only takes up to age 5 years. The babe was not happy and I'll still have to figure out what we're going to do with her during the summer and on "school out" days. Ugh! This is the downside of not having our friends here in Utah. I know these things wouldn't even be an issue or if they were, not nearly as stressful as it's been. From Sorority sisters hooking me up to high school friends playing "catch all" when hubby and I need to get away. It would be so sweet! There's no way in hell I'm moving back though so, I'm stuck with shuffling the kids. I'm sure this won't be the last time. I just hope we always find safe and affordable environments.

Finding Happiness

I'm having a hard time with this, again. There's so much going on at work and home. Life has become very uneventful and boring. I need something to look forward to. My trip to Nashville isn't or a couple of months and the weekends just don't last long enough. Can't take vacation time (gotta save it for Christmas). What to do? How do you take a vacation from yourself without actually going anywhere?

Oh Where Oh Where has my Little Dog Gone?

It's a sad day in my household. One week ago today, we adopted a dog from the shelter. One week prior to that, my hubby and girls made a visit to the shelter, where they fell in love with this little dog. Normally, we aren't fans of the rat-dogs, but this one was a charmer. He didn't bark at us and was so gentle. Not your average Chihuahua in any sense, my hubby had me visit the shelter after work to see him. I was convinced that he needed to be in our family.

We had to wait a few days before we could adopt him, but adopt him we did. He was so cute and followed the girls and me around everywhere. Hubby took him to the vet last Tuesday for a checkup and to see why his cough was so bad (I suspected kennel cough, considering where he'd been). My suspicions were confirmed and the vet put him on antibiotics. I worked for a vet office for two and one half years of my life, so I have experience with animals in the medical sense. I taught hubby and the babe how to hold our new little dog, while I gave him his meds. I'm sure that's why he stopped following me around and decided everyone else in the family was safe.

Each morning and evening, I would shoot yucky meds into his mouth via syringe. Yeah, we weren't really bonding anymore (but he was still cute, sweet and (although timidly) trying to get to know me. This morning, I let both dogs out to potty. They both came in together, shortly thereafter and ran around my feet for a bit. My older dog is a mite jealous but very big, so his running was more of a circling. After a little while, my older dog indicated he wanted to go out again, so out they both went. When I went to call them in, only my older dog appeared.

I searched the backyard frantically for our new, little Chihuahua. Nothing. I had my daughter check up front. Nothing. Then, we started combing the neighborhood. Still, nothing. She was becoming distressed. I called the animal shelter and alerted them that he was missing. They assured me that if anyone called, they would call me. Cynic that I am, I had visions of some horrid person removing his tags and claiming him for their own. It could happen, you know.

Work neglected, I emailed my boss and coworkers, letting them know what was happening. I went back out in my car with the kids, calling his name and searching the neighborhood for him. It was drawing near to the babe's summer camp time, so we called it quits and headed home.

After I dropped her off, I checked the neighborhood again, came back online and told my coworkers that I hadn't found him. My one colleague, wonderful lady that she is, insisted that I keep looking and not to worry about work (since I'd covered for her last week when her daughter got sick). I felt guilty, but also felt better to have more time to search for him. I piled Indy into her stroller and set off. My next-door neighbor drove by and said he'd search too (what a good guy!) and so I headed toward the local park, hoping some kids had found him and were playing with him. No luck.

We kept walking, the sun beating down on me making me drip sweat all over the pavement. No one can say I didn't put forth a good effort. Dehydrated, I alerted another neighbor, who sent her kids out on their bikes. They searched a bit, then headed back to their skate boards. I couldn't blame them for that. My driving-neighbor came home and suggested I post a lost ad online, which I did. I will also create a flyer.

Oh, I can't believe how awful I feel! Even though we hadn't quite bonded yet, I still feel completely mom-responsible for him. I'm so concerned that he'll get hurt or attacked (he's only four pounds and we were steadily working to put a little weight on him.). We were going to schedule his neutering this week, but I guess we were a few days to late. Those man parts make a dog wander like no other! I'm hopeful, but very depressed. My oldest has had a really hard time this year and she was really starting to perk up with this new dog. He loved her best, I think. Hubby keeps calling and I wonder if he'll rearrange his trainings this afternoon, in order to help look. I've had to take care of Indy, so the search has been off for a while. Gosh, I hope he's okay and I hope someone does the kind/right thing and gets him back to us quickly and safely. He didn't have his meds this morning, or his breakfast...poor little guy. Honestly, my daughter doesn't need anymore heart-break this year.

Have you ever lost a pet? What did you do? Did you find him? Is there something else I should try?

Oh, So Dependent

Yesterday, I was faced with my dependency on my Internet access. The modem was malfunctioning (as it's prone to do, sometimes) and I cycled the power a few times, only to have it set there helplessly, doing nothing. I called tech support. Need I say more? It was awful! It's not even that I'm calling India and there's a massive language barrier, but it's when they talk to me like I'm a complete moron. Excuse me, I'm not some run-of-the-mill user who doesn't have a clue. I do know what I'm talking about. The most frustrating thing, yesterday? I would go through my steps and then Mr. Tech-man would regurgitate everything I just said in question form (as if reading his technical manual, which is probably what he was doing).

"Look, dumb ass, didn't I just say I did that?" Ugh! I wish I were brave enough to just say it when I feel it. Of course, I was polite (but in a frustrated sort of way). I guess if I said what I felt all the time, I would be alone. He would also put me on perma-hold while he read his manual (I knew what he was doing. Who did he think he was dealing with?) . After nearly two and one half hours of running around from phone line to phone line, testing the modem, he scheduled a technical service call. I was so done, by then. I called hubby and vented, only to look over and see the light illuminated on the modem. What the hell? Had to call and cancel the service call.

In hindsight, I should have hung up and called back when I realized I had someone who didn't have a clue. Oh, well. Live and learn. Hubby and I are now considering going back to cable as an Internet source (and also upgrading our TV service at the same time). Gosh, why not? If I can talk to a tech support lady/guy in the states...I'm all for it.

What do you do about a screamer?

We've got one on our staff. She's a Ph.D who lives in Virgina and has worked at my company for years. She's brilliant, but sneaky and underhanded. My coworker is absolutely terrified of her and it seems those who work closely with her, are as well. How can you work for someone you're scared of? I guess times really are hard.

Anyway, we had a call with her yesterday and she proceeded to yell at pretty much everyone on the call. Who puts up with that kind of behavior? There is a way to talk to people with respect and dignity, even if you're angry. You certainly don't want to burn bridges or make enemies. I still feel badly, however, because I arranged the call. It was oh, so necessary. We had deadlines and they weren't going to be met. People were putting the blame on our department, but the blame was solely on hers. My boss is out of town, so something had to be done and right away. Honestly, my intent wasn't to get anyone in trouble, but merely to clear our name and alert everyone to the problems. I hope I didn't cause more problems as a result. My boss gets back today and I'm a bit worried.

On the home front, hubby is irritated with me as I am with him. He has clients, as I've said, but why do they call at all hours? Why does he have to answer the phone, when we're just sitting down to dinner or going to bed or talking? I was huffy and left him to his call last night, while the girls and I waited patiently for him to get off the phone so that we could eat dinner together. He claims I stormed off, but I really didn't. I was irritated, though and that's probably what he sensed. I even said as the phone was ringing,

"You need to set some hours!"

Honestly, can't he check the messages later...at least after dinner? This morning, he went to the gym, saying very little to me. I have a feeling he'll be pissy for the remainder of the day. Oh, well. I still feel how I feel. We can talk about it later.

Whistle While You Work

We are either incredibly efficient or OCD. I haven't quite decided which. The truth is, whenever we get ready to leave for vacation, we clean. And, I'm not just talking about a little dusting or some glass cleaner, I'm talking rent-the-rug-doctor-and-scrub-the-oven-range-hood clean. Last night, hubby was steam cleaning like a crazy man. The day before, I was dusting, wiping and sucking up dust bunnies that had never seen the light of day. Today, we will divide and conquer the remaining work (laundry, mopping, bathroom cleaning/scrubbing, and packing). We'll need a vacation, just to get away from all the cleaning! The idea, really, is to leave a clean house and come back to one. Who wants to come back to a junky pig-stye after resting and relaxing for a week. It would be utterly depressing (that's why it has never happened in this family).

My mother is away right now, jaunting around Vegas with my sister in her rented, luxury sedan. She hasn't been since the 70's, so I know it was a total eye-opener for her, driving down the strip for the first time (in decades) Monday evening. Surprisingly, she hasn't really toured/visited the resorts. She's simply decided to go brain-dead in the condo and just relax. I can appreciate that. Tonight, they're supposed to see Way.ne Brady at the Venetian. I hope she has a good time. She really deserves it.

Hubby and I had a little evening spat last night over money. It wasn't even over the lack of money, it was just talking about the money that pushed me over the edge. It was 11:00 (way past my bedtime) and we were talking about how much cash to carry on us. We have our budget, so we subtracted all of the money we've spent thus far for the trip. The problem arose when hubby couldn't find the exact amount for the airline tickets. I was trying to pull up the site and do a quick check, but he took my over-assertiveness as a, "You think you're the only one who has ideas," idea. Great! We tried to work through the issue, last night but I was just too tired. I remember telling him that I didn't mean for my actions to be taken that way and that all I wanted to do was just get it done (I really, really hate talking about money). He seemed better this morning, but you never can tell.

So, where are we going? This family is making an east-coast trek to Florida. While there for fun in the sun, we'll also stop over and see my grandmother. My hubby's best friend lives there as well. My hope is to work on some control issues I have, while I'm away. The control is internal and I have a hard time letting go. I really want to let go, have fun, and not stress about every little thing. Can I do it? It will be a better vacation overall for everyone if I can.

I'm hoping the weather cooperates a little better there than what's going on here. I know Florida has had a bit of rain, but when it's 90 degrees, does anyone really notice? We've been getting dumped for what seems like weeks here. So out of the ordinary for this time of year. A coworker told me that a front usually in place over Arizona (I think) is not there this year, so all the weather that typically gets blocked is hitting us full on. Would someone please turn off the spicket up there? Surely, we've gotten enough water.

When All You Can Do Is Watch & Wait

Based on a comment GC made the other day, I thought I'd talk a bit about someone who is the complete opposite of my workaholic hubby; my best friend's hubby.

My bff and I met in college, back in 1993 (phew those years!). She was engaged to be married by our Senior year. I really liked the guy and went out with them several times (best way to know, you know?) . I thought he was a good match for her and I felt that he truly loved her. Unfortunately, he got cold feet and in a bad way; he completely stopped communicating with her. She heard from him about a year later, when he showed up to say;

"I was trying to find a job for you." Um, what?

There were other guys after him, but she found a guy who she communicated with long distance through her work. He lived in New York, but the distance didn't seem to deter their relationship. They began flying back and forth to see each other. Personally, I thought their visits weren't enough to really know where their relationship was going. I mean, you fly into town, have the best time for two or three days, then leave. You don't have that "grocery shopping", "pay the bills", "be around each other so much, you start to make each other sick" time you really need to have to get to know someone.

So, time went on and the company they worked for folded. They laid off both parties (which totally sucked) and my bff spent the next year and a half working odd jobs, until she found the one she has now (she's very happy). He was trying to figure out if he should take another job in New York, or move down to where she was and try to find something there. He chose to move and they became engaged. He had a nice severance package, so he was able to move, rent a new apartment and furnish it well without taking to much of a punch. He began looking for work and they made plans to marry.

They lived in separate apartments and got to know each other better (which is good, because I was very worried about this). Oh, before I forget, an incident occurred that brought up a red flag for me before he ever moved to Nashville. My hubby's grandmother passed and the three of us made arrangements for hubby to stay with my bff. Now, keep in mind, we've all known each other since college and we all hung out as friends before hubby and I ever got toghether. It only made since to all of us that he stay with her in her spare bedroom, rather than rack up expense. She explained this to her fiance and he was fine. Well, hubby went and was rarely at her apartment because of funeral arrangements and visiting friends and family. One night, fiance calls and hears hubby laughing at something on t.v. Fiance flies into a rage and becomes almost impossible (hubby and bff's words). Hubby told me later that he thought his reaction was completely bizarre, seeing as how he knew hubby would be there. We all sort of wrote it off, but hubby and I never forgot that incident.

I met hubby-to-be the day before their wedding (at the wedding rehearsal) and wasn't sure what to make of him, at first. He seemed nice enough, but we didn't talk much. The wedding came and went with lots of drama (as weddings do), especially with my bff's new mother-in-law.

Fast forward. They've been married nearly four years. To date, this man does not have a job. I can't imagine that his severance has lasted this long (I seem to remember her saying that she didn't want to dip into his 401K, but perhaps that's what they are doing now). They live in a very nice area of town and he drives an MDX. He's also a "labels" man, only buying the best of everything. She is more down-to-earth and conservative. It could come from K-Mart, and she would be fine with that.

What does he do all day? She used to tell me about the jobs he was interviewing for. When he wasn't interviewing, he was house cleaning. Now she doesn't tell me anything. I don't ask, either. I'm nearly afraid to! My hubby is in total cop mode about this and thinks he's shady as hell (I'd say, I have to agree at this point). Are they living on her paycheck alone? Does he collect monies from some "mysterious" source? She was very downtrodden, the last time I was in Nashville (2007). She confessed that she felt guilty because he moved down there for her. I told her that, that was his choice. She also felt badly because she had just been given a permanent job at her current company and he was totally unsupportive.

So, we wait. I want her to wake up and kick that dead-beat's ass out of her apartment (it's her apartment, as far as I'm concerned, because she's paying the rent...I'm sure). She wanted and deserved so much from their relationship and, from what I can see, they just keep moving backwards. He's over 40. There is no excuse. I love her dearly she is the god-mother to both my girls. There really isn't anything I would deny her, if she asked me...but I know she won't. I don't bring it up because it's such a touchy subject so, I wait. I'm really getting tired of waiting.

Booked

The resort, the flights and now the car for our vacation are booked. It really takes a load off...wondering when and where to do it and if we're getting the best deals or not. For the car, we watched the rates for four days with steady amounts. Last night, when I checked, rates had begun to creep up and hubby became nervous. I inadvertently stumbled onto the Hotwire site, while clicking around on "this" and "that" deal. I don't use them often, since you don't know what you're getting until the end of the transaction. Nevertheless, I found a rate lower than what we'd been seeing. So, we jumped on it. Turns out Hert.z was our rental company and it had been high, high, high for days (like $430 for six days, high). Our price? $198, including taxes and fees. Woohoo!

I neglected to post that, for Mother's day, hubby presented me with gift cards this year. One for $25 to Bath and Bo.dy Works and another for $30 to Ross (I still have about $40 on my other Ross card, the one he gave me for our anniversary, along with the shadow box). So Friday, we tripped on over to the mall where I spent the card and a bit of my own money to revel in their latest scent: whit.e citrus. It is heavenly. I feel the same way about their Se.a Island Cotton. Both are very fresh, crisp and clean smelling. I'm grateful to have my summer scent supply fully stocked.

My neighbor did it again. Ugh! She is something else. I woke Indy up to go and pick up the babe from school, yesterday afternoon. I hate to do it, but it is what I have to do. I try to make sure she goes down early enough that the disruption isn't too rough on her quality of sleep. So, I've got her all dressed and ready and begin to head out the door when my phone rang. I knew it was her and I knew what she'd say, but I answered anyway:

"Hello?"

"Hey! Hi, Enchantress. This is A****."

"Hi."

"Hey, I just woke up and E**** (her son) is still asleep. Can you pick up A**** (her daughter) for me?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure. I can get her."

"Thanks."

What the hell?! Your ass is home all day, everyday. From what we've observed, she sleeps a big portion of each day...leaving her youngest (who will be three in a couple of weeks) to his own devices. I worked a crazy-ass day at work (from home) and had major stress going on. I really don't have a problem picking up her kid, but it's the principle. What is her freaking problem? She quit her job because her manager was "mean". So the hell what! You suck it up and get past it. Now, they are in debt up to their eyeballs and have to sell their house. They are moving back in with grandma (her mother-in-law). Like I've said, I hate waste and irresponsibility is right up there with it, too.

She's very nice, but I can't say that I'm that upset about their moving. Is that wrong? Honestly, I feel like I've become somewhat responsible for her own children! The youngest runs out into the street all the time and I'm the one freaking out about it, while they don't seem to notice at all. He was ill this winter and had to be hospitalized for a bit, but it could have been prevented completely. How? Oh, how about a jacket on him when it's cold or shoes on his feet, when he runs out into the yard? Of course, I've chronicled the illnesses of the daughter, here on this blog. It seems she has something every week that prevents her from going to school. If momma is depressed and dispondent, don't bring the children into that madness. I think a lot of the time she keeps her eldest home so she'll have someone to talk to. I hope the oldest makes good choices for herself in the future. It may mean the difference between being and active, vital citizen or detaching and becoming a hermit like her mother.

On a happier note, with almost ten pounds down, I am starting to look and feel a lot better. Hubby wants to train at the park together. Do I dare? We'll see. And thanks to Tasha, I've got a new ringtone. I'm so excited! (Shame on you for posting this site, girl. I'm so addicted!)

Aging Parents

My parents are very different. In fact, I used to wonder as a child how they ever got together in the first place. I see there differences multiply further the older they get. My mother, the consummate diva, would rather die than give up her fabulous new size 6 and size 8 clothes, so she works out like a crazy person to keep the pounds from creeping back on. She's also careful about what she eats and keeps active with her dog. She is a career woman and revels in the accolades she receives from her peers. My father can barely walk now, uses a motorized chair to get around (or a cane), is diabetic and probably suffers from high blood pressure as well. (He'd have to, with the kind of foods he eats.) He is a minister, but hasn't had a real job in I don't know how many years. I honestly am unaware of how the bills are paid each month. His M.O in the past was to rob from Peter to pay Paul. (BTW, my mother is six years older than my father).

Earlier today, my sister called and informed me that he has just had a stent placed in his coronary artery. She had no idea, until she called to just see how he was doing after, what she thought was a regular doctor's visit. He's resting and she encouraged him to seek out a home-nurse for a while (his wife is older than he is and is having her own issues). She asked if he has medicare and what sort of insurance he uses (she is in the medical field now and was trying to be helpful). She couldn't figure out why he was so hesitant to talk to her about such things. He just kept saying, "I'm fine," and encouraged her to stop worrying. I told her that it would be a cold day before he'd give up that kind of information. My father has always been incredibly paranoid and doesn't share personal information freely. She didn't understand this, and I told her I was just as in the dark about it myself.

I think we're faced with issues now that we really weren't prepared to deal with until much later. My grandmother (his mother) was placed into long-term care earlier this year and is approaching 90. With the depression from being there, I don't know how long she'll hang on. What happens if she passes? I would be heartbroken at losing her, but she's lived a long and happy life. But what if her own son's failing health gets the better of him, is it back to Nashville for me for his funeral? I know I probably sound very insensitive, but I just hate waste. If my father passed, I would be more angry at him than hurt at the loss. He knows better. In fact, he spent a big part of my childhood working out and following good eating habits. Vitamins were all over the house and at 3, I knew who Jack Lalane was.

Perhaps it was his lifestyle as a musician that kept him working so hard at his physique and health, or maybe it's where he lives (everyone in Nashville seems so large to me, now that I don't live there anymore). The temptation to eat out and eat horrible things is everywhere. Southern-style, deep-fried, grease dipped cuisine is everywhere and no one is really concerned that you weigh 300 pounds plus. It's not like L.A. where a perfect-body culture drives people to look good and think thin (of course, this type of thinking can also drive folks to the other extremes, unfortunately). I'm so flummoxed about it all. I think I need to think on things a bit.

Is Blood Thicker than Water?

There's a lot of drama happening with my extended family (and a bit with me) presently. So much so that it has tensions raised high in my household. I think I'll be needing an intervention, soon...well, mental intervention. With everything that's going on, I've actually left the wine/spirits alone. Amazing!

My sister-in-law (my hubby's sister, who is in her late thirties) has been going through some incredibly trying times. Not only did they lose their mother this past January, but her husband was brought up on an arms charge in February. He is now incarcerated. She will find out for how long in May. This man has lots of kids (he's in his late fifties). Most of them are grown up and living their own lives; however, the two youngest (a boy and a girl) live with he and my sister-in-law. They are her step children, but she is the only mother they have ever known. The young boy has lots of issues and even more so, now that his father is out of the picture. He spends his lunches with the principal of the school and has been tested for a number of learning issues. He has also exhibited violence towards his teacher (he is in the second grade).

His older sister, who is one year older, has been "handling" his departure pretty well, but her mother opted for counseling for her. She and my eldest are the same age and have a great time together.

Recently, my nephew admitted to lying and theft, which was just another stress added to the pile. His mother "disciplined" him with a belt, and he showed up at school with the evidence. When she arrived home and asked her sister (who is visiting from Missouri) about the kids, she indicated that they did not come home. My sister-in-law arrived at school to find the kids there with the principal, the teacher and an officer. My nephew was removed from the home that night. A couple of sleepless days and nights later, the state removed her daughter. Their mother has been ordered to attend parenting classes along with anger management. Whenever she is evaluated again, she may be able to get her kids back.

Without directly asking us, she believed we (family members) could take the kids for the up-to-six-months time frame they are usually removed. Hubby and I talked and, with our own issues, just couldn't see bringing in those children. Our schedules alone would have prevented it and summer is nearly here (we pay for summer daycare for our kids two days per week). When hubby went to talk to her to explain why we couldn't, he was met with silence and dissension. He knew things were different.

I asked him if he thought things would be different if they were blood relatives, and he said that it doesn't matter. They are still our family. We are just not in a position to take on this tremendous favor. As I thought about it, we provided so much for her in the past. She lived with us for over a year, then her then boyfriend lived with us (which I wasn't too thrilled about). We provided after school care, when we discovered they were at home alone until she got home from work. We really didn't have to do any of those things. I hope my hubby realizes this soon and gets control of his frustration and anger. She has to come to this realization as well. If the reverse had happened (heaven forbid!) she wouldn't be able to take on my children. Her situation wouldn't allow for it either. It's been a harrowing past few days.