First Day and Pre Memorial Day BBQ

So, I got through my first bunch of calls on Friday. Scary! I wasn't really sure what to expect but, overall, I think everything went well. I'll have more this week and will continue to follow-up with the my people. Friday, I'll take a half day to spend with my oldest, as it is the last day of school and their school's field day. It's the one day of the year where I can volunteer in good conscious whilst taking vacation time.

The Babe's sleepover went well. Her cousin didn't come over until after 7:00pm but, before that time, I had the Babe and Indy make their own pizza. They loved it and when cousin came over (even after already having dinner) had a big piece herself. They ate popcorn and watched a scary movie. After wards, they came upstairs and performed makeovers and painted their nails. By midnight, I was ushering them off to bed.

In the morning, I made pancakes and bacon for breakfast. I skillet fried an entire package and they managed to leave one slice for my hubby...one. Wow. Hubby worked out in the yard while they played for about an hour. Then, we ran errands the rest of the day. They were all pretty tuckered out by the time we dropped off cousin at home. Interestingly, her brother seemed glad to have her back.

My mother grilled today and boy was it tasty! Giant hot dogs, halibut, salmon, tilapia, and chicken...corn on the cob, potato salad, spinach salad, green bean casserole and fresh fruit. I wish I could say that I'm excited for the 4th but, unfortunately, my choices will be limited then, too. Anyway, it's always good to get with family and have a good time (regardless of food).

My Memorial Day thoughts are with my grandmother this year. Today was her birthday. I miss her a lot, but I know that she must be happier and at peace. I hope that I have her as a guardian angel to watch over me and my family. I could certainly use the extra help through life.

Another Passing in 2009

My grandmother passed away Monday morning. I'm still mourning and missing her, but the ache isn't nearly as painful as it was earlier this week. I just keep reminding myself how long a life she had (she was 90) and how much she accomplished.

She took care of me and my sister for a while, when my dad moved us from California to Tennessee. We stayed with her for 7 months. I will forever be grateful to her for that. When my mother worked those crazy long hours at a job she hated, my grandmother was there. Chasing after me about keeping my grades up (I was out of school for a while) and giving me advice about this or that. I'd follow her around in her hair shop when she'd have the occasional client. I'd watch her bake and help her see about my great-grandmother. I'd sit up and watch t.v. movies with her or relax on her front porch on the swing. So many memories.

I suppose my favorite is when my girlfriends and I went to Daytona for spring break. We stayed with her to help with expenses. While we were there, she shared an article about herself from the paper. Because of her enormous and beautiful garden, she got a headline in the lifestyles section. It was amazing. All those beautiful flowers! I'll never forget them or her.

Yesterday, as I was watching Sanf.ord and Son, I saw this segment and it tickled me so much, I had to add it here. For a week that hasn't be so great, this brought quite a bit of sunshine:





This evening, I'm taking Indy to see the Princesses on Ice. It will be the first public arena I've been too in several days. I think I'm okay and I know it will make her oh, so happy. Going on with life and creating new memories, I'm sure that's what my grandmother would have wanted.

You Thrilled Me

I can't let this day go by without commenting on one of the greatest (albeit eccentric) entertainers of all time. My first encounter with the King of Pop was second grade. I had a little record player that I played 45s on, mainly record/book combos. I remember finding the Off the Wall album in my parents collection and, even though my player sometimes skipped the best parts, I learned every song on that album. I envisioned myself meeting this amazing singer one day (who didn't live very far from me).

By third grade, I was rocking my Thriller cassette nearly as much as my Off the Wall album. He was the greatest to everyone in my class. No one had anything negative to say about Michael Jackson. I remember the red jackets that adorned several of my male classmates and there wasn't one soul who didn't yearn for a sparkling glove. Good or bad, right or wrong, the impact he made upon our world will last forever. I hope you find the peace in death that you couldn't find in life, Michael. Rejoice, for you are free.

So Much to Feel and Say

Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts. It seems like I've been MIA for a while, but we've actually been back in town for a little over a week, now. It's hard to get back into the flow, when you haven't been writing. I look back now and think, I should have written in the hotel or something. Oh, well. Where to begin? I suppose I'll start where I left off in the last post.

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When hubby returned, he looked so down-trodden. He spent the next few hours sleeping. That's what he does when he's depressed. I took care of getting the girls situated and got them squared away, only to return to his calls ("honey, where are you?") and have him fall asleep. The next couple of days were the same. We finally told the babe and she took it very hard, but hubby was a trooper. He stayed strong for her. Her tears of sadness always want to make me cry, so I hid my eyes a bit to try and remain strong for her, too. I called my boss at home and told him what was going on. He assured me that I had three days bereavement time, but I had a few hours on Tuesday that I felt I had to work (big faculty meeting that week...everything always happens at once, right?).

Hubby's sister had told him that they would make the arrangements for the funeral, once he arrived. The important piece of information to keep in mind was that his brother would be released from jail on Friday and that, most likely, the funeral would be held on Friday. Knowing all of this, hubby and I made plans to fly out on Wednesday and return on Saturday. We booked the flights, hotel and car rental in record time. When hubby called sister back, the arrangements had already been made. Wtf?! Ugh! Weddings and funerals bring out the best in people, don't they? Anyway, hubby remained calm and told his sister what had transpired. He asked her to please try and make changes or, at least, schedule the wake for Friday. Why he would have to ask this in the first place irritated him to no end, but he handled it well. (She did manage to reschedule the wake for Friday, so at least he could attend that).

The scramble to place kids and animals began next. The babe and older dog would stay with our doggie babysitter (she fostered him before we got him and became a friend of the family). She's a nurse and a good friend of hubby's, so she was happy to take them. My former co-worker took my youngest (she doesn't work and I knew this wouldn't be an inconvenience for her, or I hoped it wouldn't be). When I called, she simply said, "Just tell me what you need me to do." Another friend told me the very same thing. Thank God for friends.

We left early Wednesday morning, driving down the highway through pea-soup fog. We arrived at the airport and checked in fairly smoothly. We napped at the gate until our plane arrived, then flew into Phoenix. Did you know that some airlines now charge you for the once complimentary juice and nuts you used to get? To the tune of $2.00, you can have your choice of soft drink or juice in a 4 ounce cup or $7.00 for an adult beverage. How about $7.00 for a snack box with crap you wouldn't feed to your dog? Yeesh! The economy bites! You are now forced to spend outrageous prices on drinks and food within the "secure" portion of the airport.

From Phoenix, we flew on to Missouri. The temperature was cold, even by our standards. Humid cold is so different from dry cold. We were shuttled to the rental location from the airport and were upgraded to a Pontiac Vibe (not a bad little car...rated high by Consumer Reports, I remember. I looked at these as a potential purchase, at one time). We had a two and one half hour drive from St. Louis to Sikeston. Never heard of Sikeston? Well, it recently gained some noteriety on the Travel channel...its restaurant, Lamber.t's rated as the number one place to "pig out" ("home of the throw.ed rolls"). This is where we booked our hotel.

We arrived, checked in and headed right back out almost imediately. We had another half hour drive to the little town where hubby is from. Cotton fields and more cotton fields. Hubby talked about picking the cotton as a summer job or throwing watermellons. Our history, ladies and gentlemen.

The town has approximately 3,000 residents. A very weighted feeling begins to press down over you, once you drive in. Time has somehow stood still in this sleepy, non-progressive place; mentally, spiritually, physically a place that time forgot. I definetly understand why my hubby and his sister left.

For the next few days, we (hubby and I) spent the day talking and being together. Then, we'd drive to the town and hang out with family. The blessing with funerals is the resurgence of family connections. Hubby saw brothers he hasn't seen in years. He hung out with cousins, aunts, uncles and old friends. I was introduced to a plethora of people that I hope I won't soon forget. By Friday, they were a part of my family and I was pleased.

The wake was difficult, as was expected. Hubby finally let down his walls and mourned his mother. I sat by him, but constantly felt like I wasn't doing enough. Thinking back on it, I walked around taking and hanging up people's coats (what the hell?). I guess that was something...I still felt like I just wasn't doing enough. I did, however, take the opportunity to gather all the brothers together and capture a group picture. I will share all of the pictures with family that I took while we were there by putting together a DVD/slideshow for all of them. That should be quite the project (I haven't started it yet). I hope these connections last, but I know the history in his family: hubby calls everyone, sometimes they call him (when they want something).

When we came back, the connections remained between hubby and his sister. We actually kept her kids over night. My daughters were elated to have their cousins over and it was good to see them all having a good time. We're hopeful that this continues.

Hubby is doing better, but he has his good days and bad (as does the babe...church was especially hard for her this past Sunday...her first church day since the tragedy). We've really come together through this. He keeps telling me how glad he was I was there and how much I did to help him (seriously, I still feel like I didn't do enough). We're planning for couple time during the weekend of Valentine's/President's day to just be with each other. He also wants to spirit me away in March...possibly another Vegas trip. We shall see. I'm just glad that he's in good spirits again. So, now on with life...

Phone Calls in the Night

The phone rang early this morning...around 1ish. Someone left a message, but it was incoherent from our bedroom. I dismissed it and tried to go back to sleep. I couldn't, so I tried to wake up my hubby for a little playtime. The phone rang again. It was his sister. She said their mother had been flown to the hospital, due to some sort of "asthma" attack. She was non-responsive. I told hubby that I didn't know his mother even had asthma. Anyway, his sister said she would call him back, once she had more information. We laid there together. He fell back asleep, but I couldn't. I was restless and couldn't settle down. I laid on his chest, stroking his chest and arms. I tried to turn him over when he snored, but he woke up and said he was comfortable that way with me lying there.

I told him I needed to apologize.

"When the phone first rang, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I was going to have my wicked way with you. Now, I feel bad about it."

"Don't feel bad, how could you know?"

"Still, it seems wrong, now."

"Don't worry about it," but, I did.

The phone rang again. This time, I could hear his sister. She was crying hysterically:

"____, mama's gone! Mama's gone!"

All I could say, "Oh my God!" I burst into tears. I can only surmise that my hubby was in shock. He didn't say anything. He held the phone, then attempted to say his sister's name. She wasn't there anymore.

"I gotta go over there." He got up slowly, calmly. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I asked what I could do. I tried to find his shoes for him, but couldn't I put on his shirt, he put a sweatshirt on over that. I held him. I apologized and told him I loved him. He still wasn't crying, but sadness was all over his face. He went to the garage door then asked me to call his work.

"Ask for the Sergeant on duty and tell him that I'll call." I promised I would and told him to drive carefully. It's a short drive, but I worried he wouldn't "see" his way to her house. He left. I found my cell phone and called. The sergeant was very nice and asked if there was anything they could do. I told him there wasn't and thanked him. I called my mother. I told her what was going on. She was calm and told me that she anticipated her hubby going first, but, "You just never know." (My mother-in-law's hubby recently lost a leg, due to a blood clot. Being an active man, we worried that he wouldn't be the same after that.) I told her that I worried for her kids. Her 18 year old is coming here for college. Her sixteen year old is still in high school. She's the guardian of her 11 year old granddaughter and cares for her 4 year old grand daughter. Their own mothers are a mess...and now? Oh, Jesus! What will happen to them? The boys will survive...but those little girls?

I'm still in shock myself, but I can't sleep and my mind is racing...so, I write. It's here that I'll document what happened when my hubby's mother passed on. I wanted to go with him to his sister's, but he didn't want to wake up the girls. Understandable. But, I still wanted to be there. I don't know what things are being said. I worry because his sister recently cut off communication with him because hubby was too "stuck up" in her opinion. I worry because it's easy to blame every body for a loss and hubby already feels an amazing amount of guilt about his family. I worry because her own hubby may make things even more difficult (there money situation isn't good...she's the only one who works) and may try to manipulate some way for them to get home, out of my hubby.

My eldest just woke up. She had a dream of being in a bus full of children going to fast and she and others were about to die. Coincidence? She's always been sensitive to things. I don't think she heard the conversations because we never said what had happened out loud. My mother said not to tell her right away. We should wait a bit and tell her later. I don't know when later is. The more we delay, the less time she has to deal with it. My mind is racing.

Do you know I have a grandmother who turns 90 in May? We have amazing longevity on my side of the family. My maternal grandmother was well into her 80's when she passed. Now, I wonder about my hubby. I've always wondered about how I'll be when he goes...since I'm pretty sure he will go before me (not just because of family genes, but statistics speak to this too). Mortality for everyone you love, I guess, becomes a harboring thought when you lose someone.

My memories of his mother? She came and stayed with us one summer. She was soft-spoken, kind and totally loving to my girls. She told me, on the way to one of the Babe's dance classes that she really liked me. She admitted that she wasn't sure about me at first because she didn't know me, but that she decided she liked me. I told her I liked her and, after this, I felt so much better about our relationship. I'll also remember that she was a huge fan of the Bath and Body works packages I would put together for her. She loved being here and was convinced she would move, but hubby knew better. He knew she could never let go of that small town. I guess he was right.

I suppose I can't type all night. I think I'll work a little bit, make myself productive. I don't really want to work, but sleeping is out. I keep waiting for the phone. I need him to come home. I have an uncontrollable desire to protect him; my 187 pound, body-building officer. Yeah, it's totally ridiculous.

Pop-Culture Mindblower...or is it?

I'm sure everyone knows by now that Anna (Vicky Lynn) is now among the departed for 2007. I actually found out while surfing blog pages and coming across a title that said, "Anna Nicole Smith Dead?!" It was sort of like coming across a tabloid headline and I dismissed it. Then, while heading back to the main page for my email, there it was. I motioned for coworkers to come over and look at my screen. All of us, gawking in disbelief.

Why were we surprised? We quickly discussed the events of her life just recently and how this shouldn't surprise us or anyone else for that matter. Her son is gone, she was going through two legal battles (one for money and one regarding paternity for her daughter). Her career, sans Trimspa ads, seemed to be dropping off again. With so much despair and a mind probably made too vulnerable by years of drug use, she must have become consumed. Articles say the autopsy will be performed today...we all know the results, don't we?

And, for a woman who modeled her life after Marilyn, it's just sort of eerie (or planned). I dunno. I suppose the TV movies, E! specials and journalists of the world will be all over this.

Death and Taxes

You've heard the saying: The only two things you can count on are death and taxes. It's a such a morbid turn of phrase, but morbid or not, it is the truth. I sometimes am very aware of my mortality and try very hard to do the things in day that would, at least, leave my children with pride in their mother. Other days, I rely on the idea that as has happened with most of the women in my family, I will live to a ripe old age...living alone watching my shows, the news and going to church at every given opportunity.

Yesterday, I got a reality check of my mortality. Our neighbor who lives directly across the street, went in for back surgery over the Christmas break. He is a K-9 officer and pretty good friends with my hubby. He, unfortunately, had complications from the surgery during his recovery period and passed away. This would be easy to take if he was a man in his 70s or even in his 60s, but no. He was 33. Oh, God...33.

The babe and his children would play together on his trampoline in the backyard. He had a daughter (two years older than the babe) and identical twin boys (one year older than the babe). They weren't best friends by any means, but the babe felt safe at his house and was comfortable talking to him. I haven't told her yet, but I'm dreading the very thought of it. She's so sensitive and this is the first human being she's known that has died...and, he's close to her own father's age.

This has been rough to take and the idea that a man so young and virile is no longer among the living just breaks my heart. I feel so vulnerable and exposed. I suppose if you dwelled on the idea of your mortality day in and day out, you couldn't enjoy the life you have. The fact that we are able to keep going, knowing that death could strike us down at any minute, is our own sort of defense mechanism to enjoy life. What on earth would we do if we didn't have it?