Worrying About my Baby

The weekend was just as I predicted: boring. Saturday, I took the girls to the high school for the "free" thing and the oldest enjoyed herself tremendously. Lots of crafts to try and foods to eat. She even got three rub on tattoos...why she decided they would look the best on her face is beyond me. She spent the evening scratching and scrubbing them off since I did not want to go to church with a tattoo face covered child. Later in the day, Indy and the babe became quite needy and on more than one occasion, I threatened to run away from home if they didn't quit working my nerves.

By the time hubby arrived, I was frazzled. I fussed at the babe a lot about garbage overflowing from her trash can and her bathroom looking generally unusable in it's state of grossness. "Your bathroom is the guest bathroom, so you have to make sure it stays tidy and clean." It was like talking to a wall at first, but then she fixed the situation. After tucking the children in, I came into my bedroom to find a cocktail waiting for me and a piece of paper pointing to said drink with the word "RELAX" in all caps on it. I took the libation happily.

Sunday was a bit better, since after church we all got a taste of nap time. (Usually, one of the kids is asleep while another is awake, so we never get to crash together). Yesterday was a nice change. When hubby got home, the kids were awake and he quickly got them set up with an afternoon snack, hoping to join me in our bedroom for some alone time. The toddler made sure that didn't happen by appearing every few minutes with a toy or piece of her snack to share with her parents. If she weren't so cute, I would have put her out.

By evening (and before the Oscars, which were fabulous), I changed Indy and noticed something I noticed on Saturday; a growth of sorts. I showed hubby and we discussed his taking her to the doctor's sometime this week, since it seems I never get a full week of work in the office anymore. Someone's always sick or needs to be picked up. The guilt level is rising substantially.

Anyway, I decided to check WebMD for possibilities of what it might be. Usually, this clears my mind, but it only succeeded in worrying more. Cystic Fibrosis, prolapsed rectum, polyps and cancer...all terms that a appeared when I performed my search. I discussed the issues with hubby as they came up and I thought I was doing okay, until I tried to turn off my mind and go to sleep. I ended up watching L.A. Confidential on the new CW until 1:00am. I just couldn't shut off. I did a lot of praying but I just couldn't let go of old memories.

My first daughter was sickly and spent a week in the hospital with RSV when she was a baby. I remember wishing for the disease...bargaining and begging for it with every ounce of my being. Anything to avoid seeing her the way she was...barely breathing, swimming in mucous and under constant watch by me and the nurses. My only consolation was that the attending doctor for the children's hospital was her very own pediatrician. Still, I was a basket case and went home crying every night.

I love being a mom, but it is definitely a difficult position to hold. Indy had a light fever last night and I wonder if the neediness is due to this newest development. I ended up calling in last night to my boss, through tears, informing him of my intent to try and schedule an appointment with her doctor to relieve my concerns. If I can't get an appointment with him, I will go to emergency care. I couldn't bear to think that I prolonged something major because of an inconvenience to schedule. I cope by thinking the worse, in order to be relieved if the best of news arrives; however, coping is a bitch and it's probably giving me an ulcer.