New, News from the Doc

So, I had my 38 week doc appointment today. He measured my belly, listened to the baby's heartbeat then did the "glove and KY" routine (God, how I hate that!). It was worse today. Today, it felt like he was doing some deep excavation dig or something. I remember grabbing the hand he was using to stable himself while he "probed". It was awful! The news was better than the exam. I'm 2 centimeters dialted and 50% effaced. Of course, that doesn't mean the baby's coming tomorrow or anything, but it does give me a bit of hope that things are starting to happen.

I woke up this morning to consistent Braxtons (around 3:30 am) and they continue until around five. After that, they slacked off and nearly disappeared altogether. After my visit with "Doctor Probe", they started up again. Not only that, I'm feeling extra sensitive down there (and, it's no wonder). When hubby got home, he had the nerve to say, "Well, if your contractions are coming more frequently, it makes more sense that I stick around on the 31st." Yah, think?! Then I was like, "I thought you were going to be here on the 31st." Then, he was like, "Well, nothing was set in stone for tomorrow night or that night. We were just gonna get drunk." Oh, so now he was planning on drinking himself into a stupor? Well, hell. I don't want you there if you're gonna be drunk. He was like, "I wouldn't come to the hospital drunk." Ugh! Sometimes, I wonder about that boy. I really think he said all that stuff to get a rise of out me and why? Because he's being a stupid man, that's why. Geesh!

I'm so glad I have tomorrow off. Work was really weird, today. My coworker "C" and I, IM'd throughout the day to try and resolve issues. I think we solved one, but it took (literally) all day! You'd think with as slow as it's been, we could have cruised through the day, but that was not to be. She was so frustrated because she felt like everytime she tried to help, it would blow up in her face (ever have one of those days?). I kept trying to reassure her, and as I said, we ended up resolving an issue by the end of the day, but it definitely tried her patience.

So, I'm happy about the doc's assessment but I know it may mean nothing for a time. He also said that he wouldn't let me go over a week past my due date. His reasoning was that the fluid is decreasing and there wouldn't be enough to sustain the baby. He actually said, "Babies have died because of this." I'm glad he doesn't sugarcoat things with me (I just wish he had a gentler touch. Yow!!). He also said that if he waited too long, she could get so big that coming through the birth canal wouldn't be an option, then I'd have to have a C-section. No, thank you. I'm really, really hoping she comes on her own. I really don't want the pitocin drip...it was murder the last time. Here's to hoping that, with each passing day, this baby feels more motivation about coming into the world.

Still Pregnant, but Coming to Terms

I'm frustrated but I've decided to try and calm down. It's hard because my discomfort is growing worse and worse with each passing day. Now, it kind of feels like I'm having menstral cramps in my back (which would be fine, if that's what they were...then, I could just pop a motrin and go to bed. Oh...Motrin...how I miss thee!). Unfortunately, I just have to suffer through them. Taking baths helps, but my jetted tub holds gallons of water...something that, economically, shouldn't be done to frequently. The bathroom trips are coming even more frequently, if that were even possible. At night, I'm up about every hour (seriously...I check the clock everytime I get up). At least if baby is active and won't let me go back to sleep, I've got new movies to watch and The Sims 2 to play (gifts from my hubby). The sad thing is I'm a bit addicted to the Sims. It sounds crazy, but you can't just play for an hour and stop...well, at least I can't. The funny thing is that hubby used to talk trash to me about how much time I spent playing the original and the Sims Bustin' Out, but then he bought me the new one. Silly, boy.

I've been reading a lot of web boards about women who are due in January. Quite a few have had their babies, while others (like me) are dealing with the last of the pregnancy drama. Some of them haven't even had Braxton Hicks, thinning, dialation, or anything yet. It makes me a lot more grateful for the "signs" I seem to be having that women, who are due earlier than I am, haven't even seen yet.

Oh, the five year old! She is running around driving me absolutely batty! I know it's partly the hormones, but it's also the schedule too. She's used to doing certain things at certain times of the day where now, she can pretty much play and play the day away. She loves the freedom, but I can tell there are lulls and she gets bored. I really don't have the energy and I'm really hoping my mother will take her for a couple of days this week to give her some variety. I've been working from home the past few days and will continue to do so through tomorrow. Monday, I'll still be at home, then Tuesday I'll return to work. I can't believe it...I'll return to work. It seems so wrong! I know the babe will be happy to be back at school with her friends and I'll actually enjoy being around company again...but.... Okay, no sadness. I'm coping. Coping, coping, coping.

Finally, I've been emersed in Anthony Hamilton's new CD, Ain't Nobody Worryin'. It's too bad he doesn't travel to this side of the continent. I'd love to see him live. I suppose I'll have to wait till I'm back east to see him. Such a shame. I think black artists hitting the "not so frequent" or "not so popular" cities is a brilliant idea (Bernie Mac new exactly what he was doing, back in the 90's). People just assume there aren't people of color in Cheyenne, Flagstaff, Anchorage, Salt Lake and the like. "We're here and we'll pay to see you!" "Give us a chance!" I would be willing to drive to Vegas if he ever went there.

It's time to feed the family (animals included). The dog keeps hitting me with his paw as if to say, "Excuse me, but you need to take your round butt over to my dog bowl and fill it up because I haven't eaten since 7 this morning and I'm tired of waiting so, get a move on duck-lady before I decide to make a snack out of one of these obnoxious cats!"

Merry Christmas! Now, bring on the grub!

Christmas morning began with my hubby getting home from work at a quarter to seven. He crawled into bed, shivering from the fever chills. We've decided that he's dealing with side effects from the tetanus booster he got last Thursday. This new vaccine now has whopping cough added to it. Lovely! Hubby's had a fever of some sort ever since.

Anyway, the babe wakes to his arrival and runs into the living room to see if Santa came (of course, he did). She runs back to our room to announce, "Santa came! Santa came! There are more presents under the tree. Come and see!" So, hubby drags himself up and puts on layers of clothes. I roll my round butt into the living room with him. What a sight! He's sick as a dog and my festive spirit (on a scale of 1-10) was about a 2. Thank goodness for the babe's energy. She opened presents for about an hour and played in the living room for a good chunk of the day, while dad and I slept.

After a few hours, I got up to make the apple crumble to take to my mother's for dessert (I made the rum cake on Christmas eve). Then, we all got up and got ready to go. Once we got there, we opened the presents my mother and sister got for us. My sister bought me a lovely "bath pampering" set. She bought my hubby a gift card to Home Depot and my daughter the cutest blouse and sweater. More gifts were exchanged as company began to arrrive. My mother invited to couples (friends of hers from church). We ate and ate and ate, and they drank and drank and drank. The drinks of the hour? White Z, red, and white merlot. I never saw a glass empty!

I got to "smell" the wine and take a sip of my mother's, but that was it. Ugh! I'm gonna die on New Years! Hubby's already talking about going out with the guys that night. We haven't spent a New Years apart...ever. He'll be out drinking it up while I desperately try to find a comfortable position to sleep in for the night. Have I said this is getting on my nerves...no really, it's getting on my nerves. Truly. I mean it. I'm not for the sharing anymore. Lord, will it end!

Oh, and an update on my doctor's visit? He said my cervix is thinning, but the baby is still "way up there" and I'm not dialated at all. He also said, "I don't think we're going to see your baby this year." Yep! Just as I suspected. She'll come in February and weigh 15 pounds and be three feet long. My coworker has probably already had her baby. Lucky girl! Um, have I said this is getting on my nerves? Really.

Weird Weather and Baby Stuff

Wednesday, I was home nursing the babe. Thursday, my hubby woke up with a fever and the same symptoms as the babe. Oh, brother. I started spraying disenfectant like a crazy woman! Can't afford to have the cruds while I'm 100 months pregnant. Dad took his meds like a good boy, and I sent him on his way. I took the babe to school (she was thrilled about it) and took my round butt to work.

Now, if you work in a standard office, you know how fattening it can become during the holidays. So far, one coworker has brought in two batches of homemade caramel corn. Another, took home her recipe and brought in her own version, another lady has been keeping a consistent stash of Ghirardelli's at her desk, I brought a bag of holiday M&Ms that lasted only a day, another coworker brought in about twenty, full on candy bars to share and finally, homemade caramels showed up yesterday. If I weren't preggers, I'd be a sow for sure! As it is, I can say (at least) some of the sugary goodness is actually helping my babe. Well, it could be helping!

I went and got a massage last night to try and "egg on" labor. No, luck. A few braxtons and that's about it, although, I am feeling more like she's dropped some because I was able to sing in the car without feeling like I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. Also, there are other noticeable differences: there's this feeling of "openness" I haven't had...that is to say, it feels like holding things in is getting harder to do. I may have effaced a bit, but they tell you that most mothers can't tell. I have another doctor's appointment today and, not sure about this, but maybe he'll do another internal to see if things have progressed. The lady at work who is due a week before me is already 50% effaced and at a 1. I'm guessing she's probably all nerves and excitement, now. I'm so happy for her!

Last week, we were hanging with cold temps and then dumps of snow. This week, it's like spring! 45-50 degree weather, along with rain showers. What's up with that? The ten-day predicts that we won't have a white Christmas, which is fine; however, It's kind of weird that it will be more like a Beverly Hills Christmas. I haven't experienced a mild Christmas since I was a child. If my babe were going to get a bike, this would be the year (because she could actually take it for a spin, later in the day). But, she already has a bike and will probably curl up with her brand new TV and DVDs instead. I suppose things could change between now and Sunday, but I doubt it.

Finally, we watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose last night. What a trippy movie that was! It was also not what I expected. I suppose I was expecting a more "exorcismesque" movie, but this was more like a bioptic meets L.A. Law. It was well done and well acted, but also very sad. My hubby and I commented on how "this type of thing" always seems to happen to isolated, die-hard Catholics. Ever hear of a Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran exorcism? Neither have I. I attributed the idea to all the ceremony that surrounds Catholicism (which has some influence in voodoo practices and I believe I've heard that they have their share of possessions, too.) It was kind of heavy to watch, with just a few days till Christmas. I hope we start watching "lighter fare" in the next few days.

Frustration Makes One Loony

My hubby just made the most bizarre phone call to me. It was all about how he was frustrated about all the stuff that needed to be done and why we didn't try and do all the stuff before the baby came. Of course, it's too late and we can't cry over spilt milk. He was really irritated and cut our conversation very short. Then, he called back while I was away from my desk and left a two minute message (that's pretty long, considering most people leave a 30 to 50 second message standard). He basically went on to say that it was our joint decision to not pursue things the way we should have and blah, blah, blah. I just really wasn't in the mood for the drama.

When I got home, my babe was coughing a lot and didn't eat well. She's a huge fan of top Ramen (who isn't?) and I should have known that she wasn't feeling well when she didn't even get half way through the bowl. I left her to her movies, while I got some things organized in the back. when I came back to check on her, she had her face buried in the couch but, she was bent over and standing up...all while sleeping. Poor, thing. I ushered her into her room and got her to bed fast. Then, I found some meds to give her and tucked her in.

At around 12ish, she was up hacking and hot, hot, hot! I took her temp and at 101.7, I decided that school wouldn't be an option for her today (12.21.05). I called my office and left messages for my boss and coworker. I bet they have just really gotten desensitized to my early morning phone calls, but I still assured them that I wasn't in labor and not going to the hospital.

Now, she's on the couch watching Barney (heaven, help me!) and looking most pitiful. I've been working for a little over two hours and will probably only do a half day today. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm wondering about the mood of my husband once he comes home. He was planning on painting the living room, which means we will have to hide out in our master bedroom (the babe and I) until he finishes. I'm sure it would have been easier to accomplish without his wife and child at home but, some circumstances can't be avoided. I hope he gets some rest before he starts...I can't imagine painting my house after working my regular night shift and half a morning shift. What craziness!

He just called and said that he doesn't have to work tonight so, all the hard work will help him sleep. I guess he's got everything figured out. He appeared to be in a good mood, but we'll see.

On the baby front, I'm trying things to encourage my contractions. I purchased raspberry tea and drank a steaming cup of it last night. It's supposed to relax your uterus and allow the contractions to "work" more effectively. Perhaps this evening I can convince my hubby to "return" the weekend favor and give me the big, "O". That ought to help things along, too. Meanwhile, my ankles are continuing to swell and look like sausages. I can't even see the bone anymore!

Oh, and we had our company party Monday night. It was lovely! The food was divine, which is saying a lot since Christmas party food can fall under the "country club" arena and just be bland, bland, bland. We had the most tender baked chicken I've ever tasted, wild rice, carrots, green beans, real mashed potatoes and soft-buttered rolls. For dessert, eclairs, puffs and fudge along with fresh coffee and real cream. After dinner, they brought in an improv comedy group which was a great way to top of the evening. So, my prediction did not come to pass. My water did not break on the way up the elevator. In fact, I'm thinking this baby isn't really interested in showing up at all, now. I wonder what kind of long term effects that tributaline has on people? Could it be that I actually have to wait past my due date? Oh, the humanity!

A Good Weekend

It's been a good weekend and I'm kind of sad to see it end. Although hubby had to work Friday night, he was home all day Saturday. We assembled the baby's dresser and I finally got all the baby shower stuff off the floor and organized in the drawers. It's actually starting to look like a nursery, now...unfortunately, my kitchen looks like a tornado went through it (hubby is in the midst of painting again). But, that's okay. It's all for the greater good.

We were supposed to go to the movies today, but instead we went shopping for more baby duds. The crazy thing is that we found little of what we were looking for: border for the nursery ceiling, a lamp for the dresser, decorative outlet covers, inexpensive Energizer rechargable batteries. All we found was the lamp, which is really cute but everything else was either the wrong color or we couldn't find it at all. The same thing was true of the dresser. It wasn't until we searched and searched before we found what we wanted for the price we wanted. I suppose that's what we'll have to do this time.

So, I'm in my ninth month and hubby is horny and not scared again. We didn't try to go full on (I don't think we could, now, even if we tried) but, I was able to position myself for oral pleasure which will have to do, for now but I heard no complaints...none at all. I was kind of scared to get it myself, for fear of the pain that's now associated with everything I do. It's such a joke! My body is totally out of my control. It hurts when I sit, stand, rollover, play dead (lol)! You get the idea. The Braxtons are still coming and are a little more intense, which is another reason why I didn't allow my husband to visit downtown, but maybe I should have...it could jump start my labor or put me in traction. Either way, I'd get a break from work. Oh, what the heck am I saying! Get this baby out! I'm starting to loose my mind!!

Music and Memories

I've been digging this new online, radio site, Live365. I was listening to Old School R&B and boy has it brought back a lot of memories, mainly from my latter days in high school and early college days. BlackStreet came on, and it immediately brought back memories of driving down Clarksville Highway, on my way to see my boyfriend in the dead of night (we're talking 40 minutes of rural highway...lots of trees, cows, and gas stations named after people). I had taped selected songs from a girlfriend's CD copy (because my Magenta, '93 Geo Storm only had a tape player, dang it!) and I would drive down the highway, singing at the top of my lungs with the anticipation of seeing my manly man. Now, everytime I hear them, I think of him (Oh, and I've posted this picture before...not such a bad photographer, huh? Of course, look at my subject matter! This was taken at the Ponce De Leon peninsula in Ponce De Leon, Florida this past May - on a side note, I was pregnant at the time and drinking like a fish, but I didn't know I was pregnant. Hey! I was on vacation).

A variety of Keith Sweat was playing, which also made me think of him. Personally, I am not a Keith Sweat fan and I feel like he whines entirely too much. (Be a man and stop begging! Dayum!) When I was in college, I was a member of BMG or Columbia House (one of those places that suckers you into receiving random CDs for years). I happened to get a Keith Sweat CD that I didn't return, but ended up giving to "this guy" because he said he liked him a lot. Later, this guy managed to get me into his dorm room and show me what it means to be a woman...hmmm....That guy was my future hubby. Who knew!

Other songs that have played have made me think of the haunted halls of my high school, passing notes to my friend in a notebook we shared, borrowing each other's clothes (she had a thing for my suede boots), parties at my house (not out-n-out house parties, but mainly giggly girls and overly observant boys, watching movies, eating pizza and scarfing down as many skittles as we could get our hands on...then topping off the evening with a good, ole fashioned tarot reading). Driving to school and singing to these same songs on the radio (in my beat up, '81 Datsun wagon...the one that barely made it up the hill and desperately needed a paint job, but I didn't dare because I only paid $700 dollars cash for that bucket of bolts anyway). Hearing the guys "talking" BBD's, Poison (because, you know, guys don't sing songs in high school...they rap everything) whenever I walked down the hall. Now, what was that about? I was a good girl. Why poison?

There are still more songs that make me think of different guys (Shhh! Don't tell my hubby.) Like, the guy I was convinced would be my husband. He was so beautiful (inside and out) and we had a great time together. He was kind of quiet...a bit of an introvert, in fact but we totally balanced each other. As soon as I told him where I was going to college (45 miles away) he punked out and made it seem like I was too far away to deal with. But, even before then, he had made a comment to me in the car (after we'd gone to the movies or something) that sent all sorts of red flags up for me;

"I don't think I was meant to do anything but work. I'll probably work and work until I die."

Um, right. You don't plan on having any fun in there anywhere, man? You just gon' work till you drop dead, huh? What's up with that? It was pretty much a done deal, after that comment. Once I started college, we talked maybe twice and then I never saw him again. I wonder about where he is, sometimes. I'm sure, wherever he is, he's working. Ah, memories~

I am Huge!

(So, I drafted this on Monday, December 12th but it's actually Wednesday, December 14th around noon MST...just so yah know)
Huge, I tells yah! Huge like a whale...huge like a wide-load mac truck, huge like a zepplin...HUGE!! People are starting to make comments about my hugeness as well. It's nuts how big I got...seems like, over the weekend I put on twenty pounds or something. What the hell? I tried on two dresses before church, Sunday, and my hubby was straining (I kid you not) straining to get the zipper up my back. It never went...so, I tried on the back-up dress. No dice. Oh, man. What happened? The sweater I wore on Monday looked as if if was going to burst at any moment. This baby needs to come and she needs to come now! Come on, "N"! Mama's waiting for you!

I woke up really congested on Monday and blew my nose constantly through the day. It didn't help that my boss was also snotty and yucky too (he'd spent the weekend in Arizona with 70 degree weather, than came back to our single digit nightmare). He took us to lunch for Christmas (an Italian bistro - I had the veggie lasgna) and we actually had a conversation about phlegm (lovely, huh?). Yesterday, when I got up, I felt like I'd been hit by a train (all that dairy probably didn't help matters). I decided to work from home, but I still needed to get the babe to school so, I threw on some clothes and drove the 30 miles into town to take her to daycare. I dropped her off, turned around and drove the 30 miles back. I parked my round butt on the couch for the duration of the day...laptop at the ready and working like a good girl. My timing couldn't have been better, since our new person started yesterday. My coworker would IM me and let me know the progress of the day, but I could tell something wasn't quite right.

Here's the story on the new lady: She's qualified to the hilt, has a Masters in Library Science, can manage computers well and looks fantastic on paper. When we had our interview with her, there was no energy. None. She would laugh a bit, but there was no joke...you know, nervous laughter but not the kind everyone joins in on. We felt that she could do the job, but wouldn't really "fit in" with the office. We pow-wowed with our boss and expressed our concern about the fit and how we thought either of the other two candidates would "fit in" better. So, our boss and his boss brought her and the two other candidates back in for a second interview. Well, the big boss felt "library lady" was the better candidate, so that's who they hired. My coworker, "C", talked a bit about how "weird" the day went and how "distant" she was with everyone. Now, granted, nerves can make people do strange things, but when you're getting warmth and love from everyone, "Welcome! We're so happy your here! Feel free to ask me questions anytime!", wouldn't you automatically send that happiness and warmth back? "C" said she was just cool to everyone and stayed primarily to herself. I told "C" that we would give it a couple of weeks and see what happens, then (if things aren't getting better) we ask about bringing in the lady we really wanted. It may be that "C" has to do it herself, if the baby decides to show up. (Please, please decide to show up!!)

So, I had my doctor's appointment yesterday. I shut down the laptop, threw my clothes back on, then headed over to the office. I let him know that I had a case of the ickies and he prescribed another Z-pack, saying that, "We treat colds a little more aggressively when it involves a pregnancy." Here's what I don't understand - aren't colds viruses? Antibiotics are for bacterial problems right? So, maybe it's not for the cold, per se, but for a possible infection? At any rate, I started feeling better right away the last time and this time (after the first dose) I could tell a difference in how I felt.

"So, I'll see you next week," he says. Too wild! To think, I'll see this man every week until the baby comes. I don't think I got to this point with my last one (the preeclampsia had me on bed rest one week, then in the hospital delivering a week later). So, next Friday, I'll be in his office again...kinda hoping I'm not...kinda hoping my large and in charge body will be in the hospital before then. I may have to go get another massage to "encourage" things and this time, when the contractions come, I'm not stopping those bad boys. I may just be all talk. My luck, she'll come January 20th (I'm due the 12th), be 24 inches long and 9 pounds. LOL!

tHe ChRiStMaS kId In Me

As Christmas has been approaching, I've been thinking about the things in my life that bring so much joy to me during the holidays. We've always put up the tree the day after Thanksgiving (artificial, of course). When we lived in California, we would sometimes have our fake tree and a few weeks into December, my dad would go out buy a live tree. The live tree would be in the living room for the family and the artificial would be in the window, to be seen by passersby. We never really decorated beyond the trees, but the house still felt so festive, nonetheless.

We would also watch the standard Christmas shows like, A Charlie Brown Christmas, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Scrooged, A Christmas Carol, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, A Christmas Story, White Christmas, A Garfield Christmas, A Muppet Family Christmas, A Claymation Christmas... (I think you get the idea). This just added to the feelings of holidays, food and family.

One year, my parents went to a Christmas party across the street. I was probably 5 or 6, but the memory is pretty clear. I remember lots of talking and laughing, then having more than my share of goodies and my parents having more than their share of eggnog and whatever other booze was being served. When the hour became late, my parents were saying their goodbyes, grabbed me and we headed out. As we crossed the street, my dad looked up and pointed at the sky and said, "Hey, I see the sleigh. Look! Look!" I'm straining to try to see and insisting over and over again that I can't see anything. All of a sudden, I see something sort of falling out of the sky (a falling star, no doubt, but a great decoy for a little kid). I raced to the front door and announced to my parents that I had to get to bed right away, or else Santa wouldn't come to our house.

I remember another year (perhaps, the very next year), when we went to a neighbor's house, premade song books in tow to rehearse for caroling. Now, I can't imagine doing this now, but in 60 degree weather in California, it was perfectly fine. We went door to door singing our songs and had a really good time. When we were finished, we came back to the neighbor's house for eggnog, cider and hot cocoa. It's a warm and happy memory and another time when I remember my parents actually being together at the same time (my dad toured a lot, but he was always home for the holidays).

After moving to Nashville, Christmas as a teenager became more about spending time with my friends and doing holiday "stuff" with them. We would watch movies, have tree-trimming parties, go to movies, visit shops in the mall and check out all the holiday decorations around the city. It was fun and I appreciated having a job, so that I could give rather than just get.

Trying to remember the best Christmas I've ever had as a kid is really tough because, they're all starting to blend together. I personally think this is a good thing; memories and feelings are meshing into one and there's not a specific Christmas I remember because of some gift I got, but more about the happiness and love I felt during those times. As an adult, I remember Christmas 2002 very vividly. We'd been in our home a couple of years and our daughter was old enough to appreciate the lights and also appreciate ripping open boxes with pretty paper. She wasn't too concerned about what was inside.

Now that my babe is older, I look at how she marvels at all the Christmas glitz and I'm hoping her memories are starting to form because she really seems happy...specifically, showing the same kind of happiness I once had as a child during the holidays. She's helped me put some of the gifts together this year and I'm hoping I can leave the cookies up to her (with only my assistance during the baking process) and I want to try and have her wrap a gift or two, so that she feels like she's participating in the giving process as well (and not always on the receiving end). I really have felt like Christmas is so much more fun with a child in the house. In college and even after my hubby and I first got married, it was nice but it wasn't the way I remembered Christmas. Children really make the holidays special.

She's getting some pretty high-end gifts this year, some of which I didn't get until I was in high school, for heaven's sake! I've told her daddy that, as times change, we'll get broker and broker with each holiday and birthday. One day, she's going to ask for a computer or a laptop and I'm sure she'll come to us with a, "Mommy, Daddy, can I have a cell phone?" These are items that would never have entered my parent's minds as potential gifts, but they are very much a reality and a near necessity in this day and age. It's nuts! I hope that she will also reach a point where the giving becomes more important to her than the receiving. That feeling brings it's own, personal specialness to it.

I'm anxious to see how Christmas will change with, not just one child but two. Will they enjoy each other at Christmas? Will they share their joy? Will the big sister make sure the little one finds happiness in what she has? I'm anxious to also see if this Christmas brings me the joy of two children...who knows! It could happen!

An Outpouring of Love

Yesterday, I got the last (or at least I think it's the last) of my baby shower gifts. Donations were coming in from all over the country for a gift card and our exec. admin presented it to me, just before I went home last night. Amazing! Men and women, all showing how much they appreciate me. I felt like crying (yeah, so what else is new). The amount came in at $155...this on top of the other 5 or 6 gift cards that came in the mail for $10 or $20. Hubby was very pleased and said we'd go ahead and pick up the crib mattress, when he gets back. I'm thinking it could be the mattress and the shelf. As of right now, there's a room full of baby clothes with no where to put them. Of course, there's also a crib with no mattress. Both will need to be purchased, regardless.

Last night when I talked to hubby, the first thing he said after hello was, "I miss you." Oh, those words meant so much! Of course, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I just hope he remembers how much he misses me (us) when he gets back. It's different when you're a state away, but then (from my perspective) not so different when you work the kind of hours he works. We talked more and he really struggled to get off the phone with me. I could tell he was tired and nearly asleep, but he kept telling me he wanted to talk. He told me about all the tests he's taken and how the day was so draining, but how he was looking forward to coming home. His passion for this "mission" has diminished a lot and his voice told me more than his words. I think he feels our relationship will shift again if he has to go and he's right. You can't live without your spouse for four months without some sort of shift. It's inevitable. The change could be positive or negative and there lies the fear.

For me, it's the idea that he will find happiness in his solitude and decide that independence is more for him than married life. For him, he believes someone will "snatch me up," which I think is utterly ridiculous, but it is a valid fear for him. Ugh! Why can't you get a road map for life? All these twists and turns we're taking...I hope we're actually getting somewhere.

Aside from my heart-to-heart with hubby, I watched the Billboard awards last night. What a cat raggedy mess that was! I can't believe how boring! In fact, at the end of the show when the cameras went around to those who had attended, they literally had a, "Is that it?" look on their faces. And not just one or two people, but everybody that appeared in the camera pan. My coworker and I talked about the crappiness of the show and we agreed on one very crucial point: Mariah Carey is a skank and way too old to be as skanky as she is. Geesh! She could barely walk in her dress. In fact, she looked like a sausage stuffed into sequence. WTH was she thinking? If you have obvious talent, is it really necessary to parade around naked? I guess I just wouldn't fit well into the "Biz" world. The picture I've linked to isn't as bad as how she looked shuffling onto the MGM stage, last night.

We've had some really freaky weather as of late here. It snowed like crazy last night, but it was 11 degrees outside. Normally, you can't get any sort of moisture with a temperature like that, but we got dumped. Some areas got over 100 inches! I had about 4 fresh inches in my yard, when I finally got home (which was two hours from the time I left work). Everyone was driving 20mph or less on the highway. What a nightmare! Thankfully, the sun came out today but the temps are still really cold. We're 30 degrees below our norm. I hope we can last through this crazy winter (oh wait, it isn't winter yet, is it? Yikes!).

Tag, You're it!

Can we shift gears and add a little happiness to my site? I've been such a downer, lately:

10 Years Ago- 1995, wow. I was a Junior in college...preparing for the winter break to be spent out here (in Utah) with my mother. I was spending a lot of time in workshops and training in Nashville, preparing to bring our chapter off of probation. I remember feeling a lot of pressure because we were so busy in Delta, I was writing papers all the time (because I was deep in my major, by this point) and my social life was actually hopping (even though I was still single).

5 Years Ago- Winter of 2000 was tough. I was doing everything in my power to get out of my current job, not because I didn't like what I was doing, but I couldn't stand my supervisor. She was a bitch on wheels who expected everyone to bow down and kiss her feet. I refused, so she gave me much grief. My little one was four months old and (knowing what I know now) I should have just calmed down. A new, better job was just on the horizon.

1 Year Ago- We were in the midst of interviewing potential candidates as a "clone" for me. I was so happy! I'd been the lone ranger for so long without help and was so overwhelmed that the idea of a body to take on some of my drama was like an early Christmas present! She's been great! Now, we're doing it all over again.

Yesterday- I went to church, ate breakfast with the babe at Home Town Buffet, went to Wally world, came hope and took a nap. Got up, watched Ali (I know, I'm behind) then worked on Christmas presents with the babe. Talked to hubby a few times throughout the day.

5 snacks I enjoy- pineapples (rings not chunks), cup-a-soup, cheetos, strawberry shortcake parfaits, sorbet.

5 bands to which I know most of the lyrics to most of their songs- Tony Toni Tone, Intro, Sade (Yes! I know it's her name, but it's also the name of her band), Mint Condition, Huey Lewis and the News (Oh, it's so sad). LOL!

5 Things I’d do with $100 million dollars- Tithe, pay off my house, pay off my hubby's car, pay for hubby's school, finish my masters, invest for more (to pay for the girls' college education and by my mother a house and such).

5 locations I’d run away to- Florence, Paris, Maui, US Virgin Islands, and Fiji

5 bad habits I have- Correcting my hubby's grammar, over analyzing everything, shutting down and avoiding the pink elephant in the room, not expressing my feelings (much better at this with the prego hormones...I tell it all!), picking the skin off my lips when I'm nervous (I know...so gross).

5 things I like to do- listen to music, write, eat, dance and have buck-naked, wild sex with my hubby (TMI? So, sorry but it's the truth). LOL

5 things I would never wear- a cut-off halter (Oh, Lord! Can we say, "muffin tops"? Yuck!), a platinum (or any other metal) grill, pastel make-up, ugly shoes, and shoulder pads.

5 TV shows I like- Family Guy, That 70's Show, Lost, Made in America (Hey, there's some cool stuff on this show!), Bernie Mac

5 movies I like- The Matrix Trilogy, Jane Eyre, Predator, Blade, Carrie (and the list goes on and is HUGE).

5 Famous people I’d like to meet- Morgan Freeman, President Bush (if only to tell him what an idiot he is), Dave Chappelle, Oprah Winfrey, and Bill Cosby.

5 biggest joys at the moment- My eldest daughter (whose name means "flower" in Arabic), my unborn daughter (whose name means "of great success" in Arabic), my husband (even though he's driving me batty at the present), looking at the snow covered, wasatch mountains on a clear day, feeling loved by everyone around me.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel is not a Train Bearing Down Upon Me

Saturday started off somewhat depressing. I got a call from hubby at work and he preceded in with the drama that is our relationship. We talked a long time trying to figure out what we want to do, but before we could finish, he had to hang up to go back to training. I was in tears, by the time the call ended, but then, I'm always in tears these days (damn pregnancy hormones!).

I took the babe to her birthday party in Salt Lake. Luckily, the mother of the birthday girl indicated that it was not necessary for me to stick around (thank goodness!). I don't think I could have handled all those little ragamuffins on a day like Saturday (cold, cold, depressingly cold and snowy). I ended up at a store doing some, dare I say it, Christmas shopping. I picked up a really nice, designer pull-over jacket for my hubby and a couple of other items. I also bought a gift for my coworker (actually, I already ordered a gift for her - several really cool coffee cups with beautiful, eclectic art work, but it's been on backorder so long, I doubt I'll get it before Christmas, the birth of the baby or both so, I bought something else - a wooden wine rack). I got the babe a huge drawing pad since she's always trying to find paper to color on and a couple of movies.

Afterwards, I went back to pick up the babe and just as we were leaving, she became obstinate and hateful. "I don't want to go home, mommy. I don't want to leave!" Pouting ensued along with some pre-temper tantrum type behavior (which I don't go for and she's never done) So, I'm standing there embarrassed because she's being a total brat and won't listen to anything I'm telling her, but I'm so tired that I can't regulate like I want to. By the time she got to the car, she was in tears because I'd said the all dreaded, "Your daddy's going to hear about this." I hate to throw that card for one because I don't want her to think that her mother can't handle her and for two because then I'm the confirmed bad guy and he's always the good guy (wouldn't you cry if your eternal "good guy" all of a sudden became upset with you?). What a mess! I grounded her for the evening and that seemed to do the trick.

When dad got home, he talked to her and gave her the, do-what-your-mother-says-or-I'll-really-give-you-something-to-cry-about speech. Afterwards, he had her helping with some chores he needed to take care of. Shortly after, she came up and apologized for her behavior. Oh, the apologies! She's so precious when they're sincere. I'm glad I have a good kid, for the most part. Once we were all squared away and had eaten dinner, I put her to bed and showered. Hubby had nodded off on the couch and I decided a few days ago that I'm not playing the wake-up-and-talk-to-me game anymore, so I just left him there.

A little while later, he comes in and apologizes for falling asleep and is mad at himself for doing so, because of all the paperwork he still needed to do before his Vegas trip. He goes downstairs and gets the paperwork, brings it back up stairs and starts working on it. We talk some more, getting out more of the frustration we've both been feeling. I whip out the laptop and help him find some addresses he needs (his work then becoming a team effort). It was kind of fun, burning the midnight oil together. I fell asleep at around ten as we watched Michael Buble in concert on PBS. When I woke up for my first potty break, it was nearly 1:00 am and he was still at it. I told him, "Aren't you glad you don't have to deal with this...me getting up at all hours of the night to go to the bathroom, only to sit up until the baby stops playing kung-fu fighter with my organs?" He was like, "Actually, I would rather be here with you then, I could sit-up with you when you wake up." This is the hubby I know and love. I helped him some more with his project, then the little one quieted down and I went back to sleep.

We got up at the same time and he left for Vegas at around 6:30am. Unfortunately, due to a white-out down south and terrible traffic into Vegas (a rodeo convention or something), he didn't make it to the Palace Station until close to 5:00pm PST. He was so pissed, but glad to be off the road (normally, he would have gotten there at or near 11:00 am). Those extra hours in the car really had him in a foul state, but I definitely couldn't blame him. We talked a bit about the next day's events and how he was going to prepare. His attitude about all of this is so different than what it was a few months ago. I'm glad he's not putting so much stake into this. He spends so much time worrying about every little thing that, I guess, he's finally figured it out! Worrying isn't going to make things happen or not happen. Things will happen or not happen, regardless of his fretting over it. I just want him (and the rest of the family) to find our center again. After our talk yesterday and our phone conversation this morning, it may really be a good light and not a train bearing down upon us. I was beginning to think the latter.

On a different track, I spent a lot of quality time with the babe, last night. We worked on Christmas presents for the neighbors (we're doing the layered cookie jars with the recipes). They take a lot of time and I'm finding that I'm running out of ingredients fast and frequently. I'll have to stop at the store again this afternoon (and I was just there yesterday!). We also sat on the couch together and talked about the shows we were watching. I'm glad I can field her questions cause there's really a lot of raunchy stuff on t.v. these days and she's smart. I don't pull the wool over her eyes, but I do explain things in a way that I believe she can understand them better. We had our story, then I put her to bed. Hubby called again just after that to talk a bit and tell me good night. Overall, I'm feeling better about life and it not sucking as much as it did when the weekend started. I'm hoping it progressively gets better and that I can climb out of this funk and enjoy the holidays like I'd like to.

Life Can Really Suck!

Oh, and it can in a big way! I was back in the hospital Wednesday night with contractions coming 6 minutes apart. Still only Braxton Hicks but, 6 minutes? My husband's sleep apnea is going to turn me into a murderess because I kept trying to get him to wake up and show me support, any kind of support. I was scared, frustrated, confused...It wasn't until I'd made several trips to my car (packing it with stuff like my laptop, hospital bag and purse) that he arose and tried to do something. I was in tears by then as he tried to convince me to sit and talk to him. Please! After my doc had already said, go to the emergency room ten minutes prior, I'm supposed to sit around and psychoanalyze life with him? Bullshit! "I can't talk to you right now. You should have talked to me before. Now, I have to go to the emergency room."

So, I called my mother (I've been doing that a lot lately). She met me at the hospital, with no questions asked, at 11:00 on a work night. They injected me every hour, on the hour (3xs) with the tributelene in order to stop the contractions. I got home at around or a little after 2:00am and crashed. Thursday, I worked from home and my hubby (who finally decided to contribute to the living) took the little one to school and my mother picked her up and brought her home. (Yes. After all that, my mother dragged her tired butt to work). She's an awesome mom and she's getting baked goods for being so!(Which is sooo not enough for all that she does).

I went to work, yesterday (much to my boss's dismay. He was worried about my health...actually concerned about me!) and sat in on an interview as well as worked on the daily tasks that had built up during the interview. Contractions came, but not nearly as frequently. Hubby redeemed himself a bit by showing up at my office 45 minutes after I got there with breakfast goodies. This is the hubby I know...the kind, generous man who is concerned about others, but I fear it's fading fast. This morning, he told me about all the stuff going on in his mind lately, as he drove to work for training; the possible job change, his difficulties with his family as of late, and the drama within our relationship. I was frank with him and said that I didn't feel selfish thinking that a husband should only want his wife and how I felt about his relationships (so far platonic) with other women. He told me that the counselors he's been seeing have both said that he's implanted the potential of a possible break-up between us in his mind that has been there for years and that they don't know his strength or foresee how he's going to get past it or everything else he's been going through. It was devastating to hear and he even said it was not what he wanted or was expecting to hear. Truly a "Christian" counselor would have given him a totally different perspective, but I don't know if he'll ever go that route.

I love my family and enjoy being a wife and mother. It's wild because I never thought I would play either of these roles. I know how hard I am to live with (total perfectionist) and how selfish I can sometimes be (with him, not my daughter), but fate had other plans. I married young (but not ignorantly) and had my hubby all to myself for two years before our first child showed up (unplanned, of course). The same with this baby. We were "Three's Company" for five years before she appeared, unplanned, but loved all the same. I've always felt that everything happened within the time it was supposed to happen and in the way that it happened for a reason. I can't bear to think that, if hubby gets this job, he'll go to Vegas without us and like it...like the freedom of being without a wife and house to think about. Enjoy the idea of being able to date again and "experiment" the way he wants to. I already know he'll miss his girls, but I'm not exactly sure he'll miss me. Oh, how I hate this!

I'm not sure how to handle things well, right now. I'm a logic based person for the most part, but being pregnant throws logic right out of the window. Every time we talk about this stuff, I get all emotional, can't think straight and start to cry. Believe me, it's definitely worth crying over, but I miss the me that can reason things out with relative sanity. That me is on vacation until the baby comes. How I miss her! I despise walking around with my heart on my sleeve. Hubby says that he appreciates that I'm this way and he feels I'm being more honest. Perhaps I am. It's just not what I'm used to. If only there could be a happy medium.

So, it's nearly 8:00 am here in Utah...the snow is falling again and my yard (which was green last night) is completely white this morning. I have to take the babe to a birthday party, all the way into Salt Lake. I also have to do something with the rat's nest on her head (I've let it go for several weeks, poor thing). She'll be styling by the time I'm done (I hope!). I'll be thinking and praying a lot, over the next few weeks. I've given everything up to the higher power and asked for guidance, but humans are stubborn (as am I) and I continue to try to resolve things by myself. It ain't happening. Therefore, I need to just chill out and think about trying to keep this baby "in the oven" for at least two more weeks as well as focus on caring for my kindergartener, who has no idea the strife her parents are going through. That's really all I can do...but it still hurts and plagues me. I have a lot of fear I've got to let go and my life is so not my own, right now.