Wish Lists

I've been thinking about the power of positive thinking, lately. People who are believers of Karma and energy being cyclical, will understand how powerful this idea can be. My neighbor spoke to me of a book (perhaps The Secret, but I'm not sure) where you're ideas and energy "pushed out" will come back in some form and often more powerful than when/how you sent it out initially. He said that there are people who actually appear to live in luckiness for various things. I thought about it while we talked and then realized that there are things that seem to revolve around me in that way.

Electronics," I told him. "And more recently, airline tickets. I seem to win these types of things all the time."

He said that was how the theory works, but this was a while ago and I hadn't really thought about it again since...until now. What if this isn't just a crock? What if you could really send out the thoughts, ideas, feelings, wishes, hopes and desires of your heart. It could be chanting these ideas...a personal mantra, of sorts. What about just visualizing what you want? I sort of did that in college, when my girlfriend and I were trying to loose weight. My room and suite mates must have thought I was crazy! I had pictures everywhere of clothes I would by and my idea of the size I wanted to be. You know what? I got there. Of course, I worked out and tried to eat right, but I wonder if the visual cues didn't add something as well.

I mentioned on RN_Buffoon's blog in comment, not too long ago, that I was going to begin a list of the things I want. It may be hard because sometimes the things I want are things I want for other people. I suppose it's okay to include that as part of my list...good Karma towards others is still good Karma, right? Some things will be material (even though I'm not a material person) only because I want to add things that may increase the comforts of my life or help to make some aspects of my life less complicated. Understanding that nothing is every perfect and always being a realist, I will use my wish list to imprint positiveness in new ways.

In other news, the lummox leaves in a week. Thank the good Lord for that! He's pretty much stopped doing anything to help around the house, since I'm sure his fifteen year old brain senses he has completely worn out his welcome. Hubby said they had a discussion yesterday morning about his brother at home, who it appears has decided to spend all his hard-earned summer job money on buying a car. He doesn't need one, but he's going to buy one because "girl's don't want a guy without a car." Well, after brother-dear alluded to the fact that coming out here would be better for he and his brother, he gave him "the look". Well, I suppose that was enough for brother-dear to realize that he screwed up that gravy train and he left the house...to think? To pout? To reflect? Who knows. He's not really a "deep thoughts" kind of person, so maybe he just went to the park. I'm so done with all this garbage.

I went to the library, yesterday, and searched for 2nd grade level books for the babe. She was so excited, but struggled a bit with some of the big words in, "The Escape of Marvin the Ape". Exhilarating is a 2nd grade word? What about Helvetica? Perhaps she shouldn't have been so hard on herself not getting them on the first try.

Indy has decided that "No," is an impressive word and should be used often. She has other favorite words like "all gone", "diaper" and "bear". My favorite word to hear from her? "SHOOZ!" (said just like that...too cute!)

This is Why I'm Hot!!

Okay, I know that's one of the most irritating songs in the world, but I thought it worked as a great title for my post. (For those who have never heard the song, take the opportunity to loose a few IQ points and YouTube this sucker. Then, for giggles and kicks, YouTube the parody, This is Why I'm Fat.) I colored my hair with the stuff I posted about a few days ago. The box arrived via snail-mail on Monday afternoon and I was too excited. The color on the box is quite pretty and I couldn't wait for my hair to be this color. I didn't have time that afternoon to do it, but then I messed up and washed my hair Tuesday (you should always wait 24 hours after washing your hair to color it).

Tuesday afternoon, I took a closer look at the box to see if there was a color guide. Low and behold, it said what I feared; since my hair was sort of a burnt red/medium brown, it would only make my hair redder. What?! Not what I wanted at all. So, out of frustration more than curiosity, I began searching the web to find out why you can't have the color on the box. I found my answer. Indeed! You can have the color on the box. My research told me that I needed to "lift" my hair before I colored it to get the color I really wanted.

So, I researched products and saw some names I trusted I also figured out that I could purchase the items from Sally Beauty, which was convenient (there is a location about a mile away from my house). Thankfully, I already had some Pure White Creme Developer (30, although the box suggested 20). One less thing to buy. Here's what I did purchase:

1 2oz (59ml) bottle of Clairol Professional Instant Whip Creme Hair Lightener
2 .05oz packets of Clairol Professional Lightening Activator for 7th Stage, Instant Whip, Ultra Blue & Born Blonde
1 Sally's color mix bottle with slanted tip

I set to work, washing the dishes as the creamy concoction sat on my head. I would check in the mirror every few minutes to see what it was doing. Holy cow! I was red, orange, than yellowy gold then gold. If I'd left it on a bit longer, I believe it would have gone platinum or white. The idea was to "lift" my hair a few levels, in order to make the hair porous enough to receive the new color (a clean palette for the paint, if you will). After the lift (about 30 minutes), I rinsed my hair and dried it off completely. Wow! Every strand of hair was gold. I mixed the color from the Creme of Nature box and applied it to my hair. Almost immediately, I saw my hair absorbing the new color...a pale, dusty gold/blonde. Beautiful!

Jumping in the shower, I added a bit of water to begin the shampooing process and washed the color out. Then, I applied the Creme of Nature shampoo included in the kit and washed my hair again. Finally, I showered while a thick layer of my conditioner (hopefully) restored the moisture I had just zapped from my head. I came out of the shower and wow. What an amazing color!

Hubby was mesmerized...seriously! I can't believe how much he likes it. This morning while I was getting ready, he called and was asking about whether it had faded any or not and, "Why don't you just go ahead an buy up the rest from the eBay store you got it from." He's really digging it! The babe likes it too, and made sure to comment to the daycare lady that, "My mom "blonded" her hair." Not many have arrived to work yet, so no one has really said anything. I wonder if anyone else will be as enchanted?

Harry Potter Mania

Hubby brought me the book home as a gift on Saturday. I'm about a third of the way through it (can't read like I used to...kiddlings, you know).

Saw the movie last night and chased Indy in and out of the theater. What I saw was great! All those kids are not really kids anymore. In fact, there are a couple that exude a bit of "the hotness" now (don't worry, I'm not going for the jailbait). :)

Girl's Weekend Away and Other Incidentals

The weekend away was nice, but not without some serious irritations. I'm a stickler for details and I really appreciate a well organized plan; however, I can "go with the flow" when the time calls for it. This was not one of those times.

We (the invitees) were sent instructions on where to meet(a grocery store parking lot) and at what time (10:00am) on Saturday. The plan would be to caravan to the designated location and then enjoy a day of surf (lake surf) and sun. Well, yours truly was at the designated place fifteen minutes before meeting time. I wanted to be sure I didn't get left. So, I waited...and waited...and waited. I wasn't sure who the hell to look for, much less what end of the parking lot I should have been on. I decided to call the organizers (their numbers were on the card, thankfully...would have been nice if they had called). Voicemail. I left a message with my name, number, car make and model as well as a bodily description. Nothing. At 10:45, I was hightly irritated and done waiting so I was leaving the lot when I got a call. She was already at the lake, but told me where to meet and I promptly turned the car around. The people to meet were in the store shopping and would be out soon to caravan to the lake. The lady who called finished talking to me and called them to tell them I was waiting.

By 11:15, they had finally made it out of the store (what the hell?!) and apologized for missing me and the organization not being so great (you think?). We piled into our cars, then headed for the entrance to the freeway and up the canyon. Unfortunately, I got trapped behind a Cruiser and couldn't change lanes because of a truck on my right and a blazer on my left. I couldn't see the purple Hyundai anymore. By the time I got around, they were gone. Um, do we not know how to caravan?

Highly irritated, I called the organizer back and asked her how to get to the location. I had pretty much had it with the whole "caravan" idea and my need for a girl's day was quickly dwindling. Up the canyon and around the bend till I reached a lodge parking lot (oh, the park required a $9 entry fee for each car. Thanks for letting me know!). Waiting in the lot, I seriously considered turning around again and heading home. The guest of honor arrived with another guest to "pick me up" and take me into the park. My comment to her?

"I must really love you."

The day was hot, but cooled quickly on the lake. We were all on floats tied to a cooler anchored to the bottom. My Jack (Jack Daniels) and coke was just what I needed to take the edge off. My pissy mood dissipated with every sip of my cocktail. I soon engaged in conversation with the other girls (none of whom I knew) and learned that my friend had a mirage of acquaintances. They were generally pleasant, some more rowdy (and drunk off their asses) than others. Later, we sat beach chairs around and ate our lunch. I decided that some of the girls would never be people I would pick as friends, while others were a lot like me. I wondered about my own friend's choices...if these were friends from the past that she just couldn't let go or did she still have a lot in common with them?

The remainder of my time was fairly pleasant, but by 5:00pm, I was ready to go home. Hubby had made arrangements for me to stay over(the second half of the plan; to caravan to her family's cabin), but I declined. Something told me that it probably wouldn't be very fun for me. The drive home was uneventful, but I was happy to see hubby (and my finished deck. Woohoo!) All that's left to do is stain that puppy, weather treat it and buy some deck furniture.

*Turns out the second-half of the plan was a total fiasco! Let's just say, a DUI was involved. Glad I went home.*

My brother-in-law is making me nuts! It was about this time two years ago that I was ready for him to go, too. He's just lying about everything and it's making me crazy! I had some Godiva (expensive) chocolates in my special (lingerie) drawer that hubby and I nibble on slowly through the year. It was a Christmas gift and I decided to break some out last night after Margaritas. Ugh! Every damn bar is gone. There were four left and I was just too put out. It wasn't even about the chocolate so much as that it was a total violation of mine and hubby's privacy (adult toys have been moved around, too. guess I'll be doing some sterilization soon). He was adamant that it wasn't him. Then who the hell was it? My girls have no idea it's in there and they're not smart enough to hide the evidence (wrappers). So trying not to sound too accusing, I insinuated that if he was bringing anyone into our house that they should not be in our room. I also reaffirmed that this stuff hadn't happened until he got there. I'm am so through with him!

Hubby's helping a friend sod his yard tonight and I don't want to deal with the big, fifteen year-old lummox. I think it might be a skating night...and I'll leave his ass at home.

On Permahold

For those who do not exist in cubie-world, permahold is a term many of us use when we're on the phone for, what seems like, an unending amount of time. When this happens, we're usually listening to really bad Muzak or spending the time on hold talking to those around us (or updating our blogs).

My home projects are currently on permahold. For the past few nights, hubby has wanted to cuddle or rest (no complaints from me) but this deck situation will really need to change quick and in a hurry. The poor dog isn't too keen on going through the garage to "do his business." He'd much rather run out of the back door, then quickly come back in. With no steps out back, he'd plummet to near death if he attempted this now.

Hubby's friend comes back Saturday to help him complete the project, but that was under the condition that the flooring be completed. It's not done, yet and I don't think the "friend" wants to spend an entire day at our house again. I know I wouldn't.

Even with 200 pounds on his hefty frame, my brother-in-law is useless for this project; he simply just isn't in good enough shape (despite the basketball and football). The current task requires that he pull the boards as flush against the adjacent boards as possible (one at a time, of course), but he tires out entirely too quickly. If he didn't, hubby would have had this completed a few days ago. He's been waiting on me and, believe it or not, I've been available. By the time I get home, though, his song has changed:

"We'll just wait until tomorrow," or "It's too hot," or "We'll just rest tonight."

So, today, hubby is picking up the remaining wood for the railing and tonight (last chance) we'll get the flooring done. Tomorrow, I'll be journeying to a friend's wedding shower at a lake somewhere up one of our many canyons. I'm happy to be going to see her, but I feel like I'm ditching out on hubby a bit. The idea is that I start trying to do things on my own sometimes. It just so happens to coincide with a big home project. The saving grace for me is that I'll only be gone for the day, not the entire evening which would cut into help/bonding time.

GC asked about my hair, which has grown out a bit with lots of dark roots. I was planning on going a bit brighter in the blondes but have had a hell of a time finding the color I want in this cultural wasteland that is where I live. I called around and the places that carry the kind I want don't have the color I want. I think I will break down (today) and just order it online. It's nice that we have that option, to be sure. Back in the day, the store could order it for you and charge you a fee just for going to the trouble. Eliminate the middle man...that's the way to go. The color to the left is what I'm thinking...champagne blonde (Right now, I'm supposedly light golden blonde...but I think it's a myth).

Oh! A coworker of mine bought an iPhone. He says, "Yeah, it's $600, but it's not just a phone; it's a lifestyle." I don't think I'll ever have that lifestyle...not sure if I want it. But, the phone is really cool.

Life Continues and Gets Better (Really, it Does)

Wow, it's been a while. Just looking at the last posting date, you would have thought I'd dropped of the planet, but alas. I'm still here.

Brother-in-Law Blues
So, where to begin...my brother-in-law is living with us (I think I mentioned that before). He's a big lummox of a kid...five feet eleven inches tall and about two hundred ten pounds. He's fifteen and towers over his big brother (but hubby dear can take him down with one swift move). They wrestle constantly and banter back and forth about the craziest stuff. You'd have to wonder if hubby was really twenty years older than his baby brother.

Sometimes, this "play" can cause troubles because baby brother will not take big brother seriously. As such, we've caught him in a troth full of lies. They're small, but lies nonetheless. For example, hubby bought several "power" drinks (you know the kind...full of ginseng and caffeine). Anyway, there were about five or six in our refrigerator. So, hubby goes to grab one a couple of days later and there are only two left. He knows that I'm particular about "power" drinks and the ones he usually buys are so strong that they make me sick. Our kids would have no desire to drink those things. They are happy with their apple juice. Hubby approaches his brother:

"Hey, man. Did you drink those power drinks?"

"Uh, nah."

"So, where did they go?

"I don't know, man. I didn't drink them."

So, what...did they just evaporate from the refrigerator? Or, maybe somebody beamed them up to another planet. Hmm. Isn't it just easier to say, "Yeah, I drank them." Come on, dude. Now you look like an idiot.

Example 2: Hubby and I were messing around on my laptop looking at classifieds. I went up to the location bar to type in a different website and up pops some very questionable links in the memory (f*u*kmebuddy sites, livesex, web cam dreams, etc...). Hubby and I look at each other. I calmly go to the control panel and set up a password for the computer and the screen-saver. Yesterday, before baby brother leaves to spend time at his sister's house, he asks about using the computer to check a MySpace page. Hubby tells him that he's lost the computer privilege, based on the information we found on my laptop:

"You don't know what kind of viruses you're letting in, going to those sites!"

"I only went to a MySpace page."

"So, how did those other sites show up?"

"I don't know, man. I was only on MySpace."

(For the record, MySpace was not a link that showed up in memory within the location bar)

Brother dear was not happy to be scolded about the computer, but he's certainly not going to corrupt himself while he's in my house. His mother would flip if she knew what he was doing. I just got her to like me...I don't need that crap on my conscious. And, I doubt that hubby is really eager for him to come and move in with us next year after this. Can't really trust a liar, can you?

Home Improvements

The grouting is nearly finished (I think I said that the last time), but really, it is. I'll be doing the remainder of it on my own today (around three or four rows of tile). Why? Well, here's the latest; Sunday morning at 7:00am, a friend of hubby's drove from very far away to begin work on our new deck. Yes! Another project begins before the old one ends. (I sometimes feel like our family is staring in an episode of, This Old House). It was amazing what they accomplished! By 5:00pm, most of the framework was done and the flooring wood for half the deck (a fourteen-footer, by the way) was nearly all laid.

Hubby will be working on the remainder for the next few days. Once it's complete, we will stain it together. I can't believe it! I may actually get to enjoy a deck of my very own, before the summer ends. I had no idea they would get so much done...nor did I realize they were working to have it complete before the end of the summer. I just assumed we'd be walking around on a half done deck for several months.

I'm learning how to participate in these activities and am actually beginning to enjoy them. Seeing the fruits of your labor in your home is quite rewarding. I guess it's one thing to hear it, then to actually experience it for yourself? Novel.

Kiddlings

The babe is going strong with gymnastics and seems to enjoy it immensely. If I could only get her to focus and stop playing the class clown, I'd be really happy. She's also enjoying summer camp and last week, journeyed to the great Salt Lake. Her interpretation of the trip:

"Mom, we went to the great Salt Lake today!"

"Really? What did you see?"

"We saw buffalo and a deer...Oh! And we saw a barn owl and it had a heart-shaped face, but it was asleep. It was so cute!"

They also go to various parks around the city, twice per week. On Wednesdays, they go to the movie theater to see a movie (with other camp kids). So far, she's already seen every movie they've gone to, either with her dad or because we've rented it for her. There's something to be said about viewing movies in a theater, though. She loves Wednesdays. Fridays, they play in the water and with our latest temps hitting over 100, it's a good thing they can cool-off this way. She loves Fridays, too.

Married Life

Hubby and I are still going to our counseling sessions. We didn't go last week because of the holiday, but we managed to make it through the week without killing each other. Early Friday morning (around 2:00am) hubby calls to tell me he's had a blow-out with his tire on the interstate. He's managed to pull off and park at a gas station and would I come pick him up. This is where it's good that there's another older person in the house because I would have had to pack up the kids, otherwise. Luckily, I only had to tell brother-dear that I had to pick up his brother and would he please keep an ear out for the kids, just in case.

So, off I went...fifteen miles south of where we live. I blared the music and rolled the windows all the way down because, this girl was tired! I picked him up and we journeyed home, hand-in-hand. It was sweet and pitiful both at the same time. In the morning, Hubby called around to price-out tow trucks. The cheapest one said he'd call his guy and have him call us in an hour. Two hours later, I was trying to get hubby to call someone else. The gas station attendant had given hubby the okay to park his car until noon the next day. It was now 10:30 with no word from the tow guy. So, hubby begrudgingly called another company that was more expensive and worked out the details for the pick-up.

After me pressuring him to do so, he exclaimed that I wasn't really trying to help him. Where the hell did that come from? Anyway, I went outside after that comment to try and collect my thoughts. He soon followed me to say that he was sorry and that he was just stressed out from the events. Turns out, our insurance company would reimburse up to $50 dollars back from what he would spend on the tow. Then, we we got the car towed to Sam's Club, they put on a brand-new tire for free! To add icing to the cake, when hubby called in to cancel his overtime for the evening from work, they just decided to cancel the whole weekend. I had my hubby for three days! Everything happens for a reason.

The weekend was really not that eventful, but wonderful nonetheless. It's the first time in months that we've had so much time together. We ate a lot, drank a lot, and played a lot. Then, the hard work on Sunday but, who cares; it was time together.

More counseling tomorrow. I think we're really both trying hard and that's what's making the difference. If only one of us was trying or neither of us, the marriage would surely be in the toilet by now. We're trying to keep a clear perspective, which is sometimes very difficult but we are working extra hard to have at least an hour together each day. Oh! A pleasant side effect? Even better sex. Didn't really think it could get better. (wink, wink)

Our Second Session and Learning How to Communicate

It was a really good session and there were two things that really made it work; a.) the office is in the midst of several pediatric offices, so there are kids (lots of them) in the waiting room. Hubby was playing a game of peek-a-boo with an eleven month old, while I learned about missing fingers and toes from a three year-old. Children can always help in bringing things into perspective and b.) we both went in with a positive attitude. Last week, we just were at our wits end and didn't know what to do. This time, there was a sense of hope.

We talked with our counselor about two of the past issues we've been dealing with (one of mine and one of his). We also talked about the history of relationships in our lives, in terms of what long-termed relationships we were witness to. After listening to my story, she determined that what makes a long-term work is having things in common and enjoying each others company. From him? Stability and respect for both parties...things I already knew from him, but heard in a different way from our therapist. It was quite enlightening.

We went home afterwards and had dinner (sandwiches and chips) and settled in for a bit of TV watching. Once the kids were in bed, we sat and talked a bit on the couch about some of the day's events and also how we felt about the session. It was only a few minutes, but it was a great joy just to have that time with him. We went to bed, after a nightcap (a Master Mixes Mai Tai...would have much rather had a real one but hey, you take what you can get) and a little more conversation. I had a little trouble turning off my head, but eventually I settled down and went to sleep. I felt quite refreshed when I awakened this morning. I can't remember the last time I felt that way.

On other fronts, my hair is growing and my color is fading or just looking really dark because of my new growth. It's very coily/curly and soft. Hubby is not digging his growth at all and keeps threatening to cut it. He did say that he'll at least have it edged up in the next few days. Meanwhile, I think I'm going to brighten up my color and go a bit blonder. I'll be two-tone by the fall, but by then I could dye it just dye it back off-black or brown...hmm...or maybe plum.

The basement floor is nearly complete. It's almost hard to believe that we'll have this space to use in just a few short weeks. We've been waiting so long. It will be surreal (yes. I need to get out more).

Finally, I've had enough gumption to start working out again. For a while, I was so depressed and sick that I just couldn't muster up the energy to do anything...not even walk the dogs like we were doing each weekend. Last week, I took a mile jog and did a two mile walk. I haven't done anything yet this week (I had that set-back on Sunday) but, I want to. The fact that I want to is huge for me right now.

My Life is in Shambles (but, I'm still here)

Where to begin.... Hubby and I began our counseling and things seemed to be improving, until we had our biggest battle over the weekend. They just seem to get worse and worse. We've only had one session of counseling, so we haven't learned a lot of communication tools yet. We tried the one we did learn, but perhaps we need a manual or something. We're just not doing things right and our patience is running thin.

I love my hubby, dearly but lately it seems we just cannot be on the same page about anything. We blow up at the smallest things and we're so easily agitated. He pretty much said he thought we should cancel the next session because it just seems like we're not getting anywhere. I was totally heartbroken...but then again, so was he. This morning, he called and said he wanted to keep the appointment. I told him last night that I though it would be a good idea, simply because the therapist is a third-party, totally removed from us. We're too close to the problems to deal with them.

I've wondered lately, for me, if it wouldn't be such a bad idea to medicate for a bit (insert Tom Cruise tirade). I'm not one for meds and I truly believe that behavior meds should not be permanent. I haven't gotten so far as to ask the doctor if it's a good idea or not. Perhaps time will tell (if we can make it past two counseling sessions).

Meanwhile, my house is coming together. We've begun grouting and the basement is looking better and better with each passing day. Pretty soon, we'll have the floor sealed and the trim in place. I'm hoping we'll have it all together by fall...it's strange to think about fall. I wonder what my life we'll be like then? We'll hubby and I be in a better place? We'll I be planning for the holidays in our new, spacey basement (family area) or figuring out how to prep the rooms for sale? Ugh! It's just too depressing. (BTW, that's what I'd want the meds for. I really haven't been right since last fall. After all the illness and drama this past winter? It's a wonder I can even work up the gumption to get up and go to work everyday).

I'm in the dark right now, but I'm hopeful that light will come soon. I need something happy to look forward to. I still attend my church regularly and enjoy the company of my coworkers, but I have yet to do my girls' night out (I know, I know). I'm thinking sometime next week, when I have a couple of days off. I hope hubby's not so out-of-sorts that he puts of fireworks. This will be Indy's first year of really being able to enjoy them.

Rambling is the theme for today's post, obviously. It's sort of the way my life's been for the past couple of weeks. We've got some work super-spy or something who's blowing the whistle on people for using the Internet for purposes other than work. The audacity! I'll have to really work hard and make time to post from home. I'll be more consistent because I truly need this outlet.

Paint Food Color

The projects are moving full steam ahead. Last night, we painted the office (which we've decided will now be the extra, spare bedroom) and it's quite lovely. The color? Crisp Croissant (where do they come up with these?). Three of our rooms are currently painted in food colors; cocoa brown, almond paste and now, crisp croissant. Perhaps it's a trend of our home. It definitely makes it easy to remember, in case we have to pick up more.

Hubby and I talked a bit about painting the current work-out room (former, extra spare bedroom) because he's not happy with the powder blue he painted it last year. I feel a "paint food color" coming. Happily, he started before I arrived and my contribution consisted of painting the corners, top portions and missing spots. Afterwards, we scraped up mortar from the tiles and prepped the room for grouting today. Sounds like fun? Actually, it kind of does to me. It was fun working and spending time with hubby. We talked a lot while we worked and, even though he was a bit irritated that I didn't come looking for him initially when I came home, he got past it quickly and we had a good time.

Uncle kept the kids and Indy even seemed happy to spend time with him. I suppose she's gotten used to him without my knowledge. I thought she was still a bit apprehensive, but not so. He fed her and got her ready for bed, even. What a good kid. (He also mowed the lawn and washed the dishes, yesterday. Nice.)

The babe is still enthralled with her summer camp/day care. She's always so eager to go, has made a host of new friends, and each afternoon wonders why I'm there so early. I just wish it didn't cost so much (about $100 dollars a week...ugh!) Let's not forget, we pay for Indy's daycare, too. Did my name become Rockefeller, Vanderbilt or Hilton without my knowledge?

On top of that, I shelled out money on a flight back home this fall (I couldn't pass it up. The rate was awesome!). I'll be pulling that money out of my butt, now. Seems like that's usually where it comes from these days anyway. How do I justify this lavish expense? It's my turn to return home and see my best friend. Our promise, made nearly ten years ago, has yet to be broken. I also think about when it was my turn in 2005 and I spent over $400 dollars for my flight. The $202 including taxes and fees doesn't seem nearly so bad.

The weekend looks like it's going to be a scorcher and hubby's plans to hike may be thwarted. I'm in fear that they will melt into a chocolate puddle somewhere, never to be seen again. I suggested water play in the front yard; refreshing and enjoyable for the whole family.

A Happy Birthday to You

Hubby and I spent part of the weekend at a somewhat posh resort in Park City in honor of his birthday. The one bedroom condominium reserved for us (and from what I understand, they're all different and privately owned) had a large living space complete with stereo, 32" t.v, comfortable furnishings including a large couch and recliner, a quaint coffee table and fireplace. The dining area was small, but would seat four people quite comforably. The kitchen had all the comforts of a kitchen with newer appliances, but was arms width wide and I wondered how someone who lived in one of these establishments could handle running into everything all the time. The bedroom was huge, housing a queen size bed and a twin with plenty of space for both. There was also a roll away bed in the bedroom closet and a nice, large bathroom.

The decor wasn't what I would expect of a mountain-side retreat. Paint colors were bright oranges, tans, reds and earth greens either as accents or full room colors. The paintings were a mix of art deco and Italian rustic. I'm not sure what the owner was going for but, it seemed to work. I just wished he'd/she'd thought about updating the furnishings in the bedroom. They were definitely circa 1978 (or therabouts). Overall, our room was nice and the price even better. We went to dinner at a really nice brewery where, despite being the main attraction (I don't guess they get too many African-American couples) one of the hostesses gave hubby and me the eye all during dinner. Didn't you know Utah is the swinging capital of the world? Crazy! After dinner, we drove around a bit before retiring back to the condo for drinks and conversation. The next day, we checked out and headed down the mountain to attend our first session in marriage counseling (didn't see that one coming, did you?)

After the first session, it was decided that we should join the couples group counseling, which we will try and set up for the middle of July. So, what do we do until July? Try and communicate as best we can without driving each other mad. I think a lot of prayer and hope will need to be included in these next few weeks as well and I hope those aspects are not one-sided.

In other news, the babe has started summer camp and is enjoying herself immensely. She was not too thrilled when dad came to pick her up, yesterday, insisting that he was "too early" and could he "come back later." Kids. We were preparing my brother-in-law for the workforce, but hubby keeps running into the age barrier (he's fifteen) whenever inquiring about teenagers and summer work. It may be that he'll spend his summer at the neighborhood park, unfortunately. It's too bad. I know he was hoping to work, save up money and take it back home with him for the school year. His brother is currently working for the summer getting paid $20 an hour.

The basement projects are back on schedule. We'll probably paint this afternoon and prep the floor for grouting. I'm okay with the painting, it's just the schedule that I'm not happy about. We have to do all of this when the kids are asleep because the babe can't and shouldn't watch her sister alone for hours at a time. The brother-in-law is still a bit of a stranger to the baby and she's not completely comfortable with him, yet. She's fine playing with him at a distant. So, that leaves all the basement work (at least the parts I can help with) for 8:00pm and after. Our goal is to have the office painted, the trim painted for all the rooms and the floor grouted by the end of the week. We'll see...

Basement Jaxx - Do Your Thing

Dance Recital

The babe will be performing to the song that's hopefully appearing on this blog today. She is so excited and I'm too excited for her. She'll have a small posse supporting her in the audience.

My brother-in-law is here and got here a week ago today. He's a different kid since the last time he was here. It's amazing what a couple of years will do to the maturity level of a young man. He's been keeping the babe for us until we can get her summer care arranged and he's been doing a great job. She loves hanging out with her uncle, although I'm sure she'll be bored before the week's end. She needs lots of stimulation and an outlet for all that energy she has. I don't think daily visits to the park are going to be enough. Thankfully, her summer care will begin next Monday as will her first, official gymnastic class. My kid; the human string of puddy.

Hubby and I are okay, but we're still talking about couples counseling. I think we need it for the sanity of ourselves and our marriage. Every vehicle needs a tune up now and again, right? I hope he can find something soon before this idea falls off the radar. We don't want anymore episodes like our last vacation and the blow up a few weeks ago.

I hope to have a nice date planned for hubby and I this weekend. He says he's waiting to hear back from the guy who's going to give him the information on how to build our deck this Friday. That's also the evening of our date, but that may not happen if this guy comes over. Oh, well. I guess I could use the money to buy a quick gift. Truth be told? I'd much rather have the date. My mother is already keeping Indy over night and the "uncle" has agreed to watch the babe if me and hubby go out.

It's 44 degrees today and not expected to get much warmer. Crazy! We went from 90 degree days to this in just two days? Global warming...hmm....

Now, That's Love

Short and sassy was what I was yesterday. Today, I am this:

There were still some really straight ends, I discovered as I was playing with my hair yesterday. They looked fried and unhealthy. The roots looked great...so, when I got home I implored hubby. Out came his trusty clippers and he, luckily, found a 1/2" guard (otherwise, I would be even cleaner than this). Buzz, buzz...clip, clip. All the hair to the floor. At least 2 to 3 more inches. Man, you don't realize how much hair you have until it's all on the floor. Mister, "I hate short hair," even cleaned up my edges for me. He kept looking at me, but he wasn't shaking his head as you might expect. Starring and starring. Maybe realizing that beauty doesn't come from one's face or hair, but from somewhere deep inside. I'm sure he already knew this, but I could see the facts laying themselves out all over his expressions. What a guy.

It feels good...light and airy. I'd say it was a freeing experience. I'm nervous again for the second time this week on reactions, but much more comfortable with how I'm feeling about it. It will grow back healthy and strong. It will be all me and not some fabricated, European idea of how I'm supposed to look. My African, German, East Indian, Irish and Native American heritage all over me...my face and my hair.

(Now, I will search for my India Arie copy of I Am Not My Hair and blast it from my car this morning.)

Sporting the All Natural

I did it. I am chemical free (sort of). I took my braids out on Sunday evening and then colored it with, what I thought would be a bronzey red (see box). I guess I forgot I was "all natural" because the color didn't take. I mean, it really didn't take at all. My hair is so thick and so non-porous that it sort of winked at the color and said, "So, you're trying to color me? Good one." Despite this, I cut off the remaining relaxed ends (about four inches...painful) and wrapped it up in a scarf.

I wanted my hair brighter and happier for spring and summer. I really liked the highlights and tones that my braids had and I was eager to have that over my dusty black hair. So Monday, I was on the hunt for African-American hair coloring (something I swore I'd never use again).But, the difference is that there's no relaxer in my hair. No further damage to add to already damaged hair...just healthy, virgin hair for the color to absorb in. In fact, the color I chose states that it only be used on natural hair. An indication that this color had a lot of umph to it. I was game.

So, I colored my hair with Dark and Lovely's, Light Golden Blonde. Well, not exactly. It turned out very bronzey red. I like it, but it will look much better after a couple of washes. I plaited up the parts I could catch up, wrapped it in a scarf and prayed I'd adjust to the change.

Today, I've received nothing but compliment after compliment. Everyone loves it and the biggest compliment of all came from my coworker, who (like me) decided to stop railing against nature. Of course, she made her decision a few years ago but, nonetheless. She's Caucasian with naturally straight hair. She used to perm the hell out of it and tried wearing it long, which her hair didn't seem to respond to. So, now she's short, sassy and straight. "It's much easier to deal with and I know, yours is easy now, too." She's right! It was just unbraid and moisturize this morning. Braids are even easier of course, but in terms of what I do when it's relaxed? No more curling irons, rollers, wrapping lotion, wrapping papers, spritzers, and sprays. I'm actually looking forward to when it has a bit of length and I can work some puffs. Wow! To be brave!

Half a Tank and Forty Dollars Later...

Hubby and I were reunited. Not in the way I'd wished, but it still turned out okay. We spent Friday evening talking about how much we missed each other and all the things I had wanted to tell him while he was away. We discussed my honey-do list (which I think surprised him that I'd kept up with so well). I showed him the office minus the ugly border. When he saw it, he pinned me against the wall and tried to have his wicked way with me. Hmm...if that's all it takes, I need to put up ugly border everywhere and take it down!

Next, I showed him how sparkling clean I'd made the spare bedroom. Down on the bed we went. Wait! I just cleaned the linen on this bed! Okay, so back upstairs where I showed him the list I was keeping up with, magnetically clinging to the fridge. Pinned against the fridge...not exactly comfortable, but I wasn't going to complain. We had a lovely evening and I hated that he'd scheduled to work someone's shift this weekend. That was indeed poor planning. After Friday, I only saw him in spurts.

We had a little episode yesterday after he got home from work. He's been frustrated with some things, but he's only talking about them in bits and pieces. I suppose he'll dump when he's ready, but it made me quite frustrated. Just tell me the issue, man? In time...patience is a virtue.

On an unrelated topic, they keep showing footage of Miss U.S.A. taking a fall on her butt during last night's Miss Universe pageant. She totally played it off, stood up and kept on smiling and walking. That's the way to do it, but do we have to relieve this woman's embarrassment for the rest of the day? Oh, well. Miss Universe is lovely.

Irritated and Borderline Pissed

I sometimes feel like a crazy person when I get these feelings. Are they real? Am I just jumping too conclusions? Does anyone else act or feel like this? For the past couple of nights when hubby's called, it's been all about him. "This is what happened, this is what I ate, this is where I went". Terrific! I do want to know about all of these things, of course. Then, he talks to the babe and asks her about her day, what she did at school, what she's currently doing and what she plans to do. The phone is handed back to me and it's, "Well, this is going on..." or "I'm getting ready to go..." or "I gotta charge my phone, so I'll call you later." Can't I tell you about my day? The crappy traffic I had to endure, the jerk who cut me off on the interstate, the funny thing my coworker said? It's as if he's so self-absorbed into his world there in Nashville that he doesn't care what's going on here.

He's back today and there were things I wanted to get done before now, but you know, life happens. I would have had the lawn mowed and I actually tried to do it (I even picked up the dog droppings...ugh!) but the grass was too saturated with rain from earlier this week, the wet grass clogged up the mower and then the mower shut off. That was the end of my lawn-mowing moment. I have yet to put up the shade, but may try to do it this morning. I kind of think it's not a "twenty minutes and it's done" project.

His car needs gas. It's newer than mine and has a bigger engine. I have no idea what brand of gas he uses. Low grade? Mid? Supreme? I can't afford his gas but, I was going to be nice and fill up his car anyway. I was going to ask during our phone calls, just as I was going to tell him about the mower and the ask him what he suggested I do about it but, he never got around to seeing about life at home from my perspective. Granted, I feel bad that his crappy Ford Focus rental (pictured here) got a flat tire and the rental guy was an ass when he came out to see about the car but, he's not the only one with drama. It's different drama, but drama nonetheless.

He called last night from a live jazz club, talking about, "I forgot about how much culture there is here." Well, there is a bit of culture here, too. In fact, there are live music clubs all over the place and we never go. I've threatened to go on my own, since he seems to have no desire to take me. I tried to tell him this, but then the noise in the club crescendoed and he swore he couldn't hear what I was saying. Fine, whatever. Enjoy your live jazz with your boys and I'll be here with the kids, as always. Perhaps my irritation is coming from those feelings of being trapped in my life again. He seems to have so much more freedom and it's so unfair. I've excepted the plight as "the way of mothers" but I'm feeling more and more that this can't be it. I think I'm going to make good on my threats and go out more, leaving him with the kids. Perhaps then he can understand what it's like for me. Yeah, I'm probably dreaming.

I wish I was brave enough to pick him up from the airport tonight, take him home and say, "Okay. You had your escape, now it's my turn. The corn dogs are in the freezer and Indy's gums are tender, so give her some Children's Motrin before you put her to bed. I'm out."

My Southern Girl Feelings and Memories of Sleep

My feelings about the south are mixed. Actually, it's sort of a love/hate relationship. For demonstration purposes, I will project the south as I see it into a human form. Because I know my own sex best, we'll call this human created geographical area a woman, Georgia.

Georgia is church-going, kind and wholesome woman. She always speaks to people, whether passing someone on the street that she doesn't know, or visiting with an old friend. Her sexy drawl, traditional build and gentle face make her appealing to men from all over the world. She's the woman they pine for when the world seems cold, dark and lonely. Her cooking? So good you'd smack yo mama! Rich creams, butters, frostings and sprinkles that delight all the senses. She can satisfy any appetite and quench the most dehydrated thirst.

But, Georgia isn't perfect. She has a lot of beliefs that stem from past issues that she just can't seem to let go. Even though she claims to have a "diverse" set of friends, she typically only hangs out with people that look like her. She feels she's a liberal, free-thinking, modern woman...but when it comes down to brass tacks, she's completely terrified of change. She will destroy relationships and side-step values, just to avoid progression. She isn't likely to try anything new, so don't ask her to taste your sushi or calamari. She hasn't visited the doctor in a while because she's pretty sure she's got "the sugar" (diabetes), blocked arteries and high blood pressure. And although Georgia is quite aware of all these problems and it's her "smack yo mama" cooking that's caused all this, she's not changing great-great grandma's recipe just to save an artery. She's also not giving up her weekly trips to the buffet restaurant down the street. After all, it's the best value and you can eat as much as you want!

Finally, she's been noticing that there are a lot of problems with the education system, tax disbursement and mass transit. There are people in jobs who most definitely need to further their education to keep up with the tasks within the job, but it's just to much effort to try and change these things. Why bother anyway...she went through the education, has driven on these highways for years and hates the bus. They can just keep doing what their doing; patching things up whenever there's a problem.

If that doesn't paint the picture? Here it is flat out - I was born in the south, but was moved west before I even new what west was. I knew people of all races, beliefs and attitudes. Nothing was a surprise and it was fine. The more outrageous a person, the more interesting they were to me. At the time in my life when I was just starting to figure out my dreams, I was forced back to the South. I was ridiculed for how I sounded, my knowledge about all sorts of everything, I was talked about for being different and ostracized by my own race for having friends of different colors. People would assume me ignorant or "ghetto" before I ever opened my mouth! Through the years, I learned to cope/conform and close my ears to the opinions people had about me...always holding out that one day, I would leave and never have to deal with the garbage again.

But...the south is beautiful, lush and green. Want beautiful skin? Move to it's humid climate and look young forever! The food, initial friendliness and men for the picking will make you think you've stepped into heaven. I met my hubby and best friend there. I have ties. But, I don't want to live there again.

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I'm so tired! I went to bed at 9:00, but I starred into the empty darkness until 9:30. Then, I got up and went downstairs to take the border off the walls in our office. That water/fabric softener mix is awesome! The border just peeled off, no problem. Then, I tackled cleaning the spare bedroom; organizing discs, dusting, stripping the bed to wash the linens. I even started a load of laundry. I was just about to try and install the shade, when I read the instructions that indicated some drilling is involved. Couldn't wake up my kids, just because I was restless. So, 12:30...in the bed. I don't know when I fell asleep, but when the alarm went off at 4:30, it felt as if I'd only blinked my eyes.

Hubby had a blast with his friends, last night (the ones who he still considers friends). One took him to a lodge and the owner treated them to dinner and drinks. They hung out the rest of the night, with hubby calling me mid-clean to see how I was doing. I didn't tell him I was cleaning and that I wasn't anywhere near our bed. I only said I missed him and loved him. This morning, I confessed my lack of sleep and he confessed the same. It's getting worse not better. My mom called from the airport asking me to walk her dog in the mornings on my way to work. His big butt is to tall for the dogie door (the other dog gets through just fine). He's such a sweetie, but took his time "doing his business". My mom and hubby will get together today. At least he'll get to see a little bit of home today. Even though I am home, I feel like I haven't been for three days.

Playing the Role of Single Mother

It's been weird and lonely not having hubby around. He flew out on Saturday and yours truly tried hard to hold back the water-works but was oh, so unsuccessful. I did wipe the tears away before getting back into the car with the kids. I really didn't have to...the babe turned into a fountain herself as we pulled out of the airport parking lot.

He arrived safely and called once before leaving Atlanta (his layover city) and once when he arrived in Nashville. I received another call, once he had his rental and was on his way to the hotel. He hard night, after taking his friends around town. All they wanted to do is drink and club hop. He's just not that type of person anymore. He called again when he'd left them downtown and told them to take a taxi home. He wound up back at the hotel on the phone with me again, a bit sad and a little miffed that he still had six more days to go. The last call was to say good night...that he missed me and loved me. His sadness was palpable.

This all changed yesterday, when he got to see his brother (who he hasn't seen in years). This brother is married with two little children whom hubby and I have never met in person. Hubby was so happy to see them and the kids. His spirits were rejuvenated and the sadness in his voice was nearly absent when I talked to him. I told him that once he started seeing friends and family he'd feel better and (of course!) I was right. He even spoke a bit about how it would be nice to live closer to his brother. I remained silent and he heard my silence and responded:

"I know this is more my feelings since your sort of anti-south." I wouldn't say anti-south, but I really have no desire to go back. It was hard enough living there the first time, but to do it again and subject my children to some of it's backward mentality? No, thank you.

Meanwhile, we've (the girls and I) have had episodes: the babe has been "acting out" a bit since her father left. Yesterday, I made it very clear that whether daddy was here or not, she couldn't just do whatever she wanted. I also reminded her that if she thinks he won't know, she's sadly mistaken. He's asking about her with every call and I give him a full report. I hope that she heard me last night because I don't want anymore phone calls from school (yes...I got one on Friday...ugh!). There are two full weeks of school left (OMG! I can't believe it!) and I don't want her ending on a sour note. She's really a good kid and I know she was "acting out" as a result of her sadness, but she's got to suck-it-up and be the good kid that I know she is. She's not like some kids who don't have a father or only have a weekend dad or a dad who travels and is gone months at a time.

Hubby left me a "honey-do" list and I've yet to begin. There's a new shade to put up in the living room. We have a window-seat that's quite lovely and the dog and cats make themselves very comfortable there, through out the day. Currently, burgundy curtains hang there getting covered in animal hair. The shade will add beauty to the living room and a break to the drapes; however, I suppose we'll be dusting this shade regularly because I don't think the animals will be giving up their hang out on account of a window-covering change. I'm also supposed to take down the border in our office downstairs, tidy up the "blue room" (the extra bedroom where my brothers-in-law will stay while here this summer) and mow the lawn. What?! Yeah, never done that before in my life. Never had to. Pretty sure the lawnmower is going to blow up after I use it.

Then there's the normal stuff that hubby attends to because I always have to see about the kids; litter change, garbage day, house cleaning. You know? I've really got it good. I hear about my coworkers hubbies all the time and mine is in a league all his own. He may make me absolutely nuts sometimes, but he's a good egg. I'm missing him lots (and not just because he scrubs the toilets). ;)

Virtual Positive Energy...Get You Some!

Thanks to all of you for your virtual positive energy. It must have done something because there was peace in the valley, yesterday. The kids were great (the babe brought home a good behavior award), the baby didn't fuss when we changed our regular schedule to take her big sister on a play-date after work, and hubby was a gem! A beautiful bouquet of flowers and a dessert to share (strawberry shortcake) after dinner. Then, lovely conversation (minus flames and stress) followed by an evening passion.

Yesterday was supposedly the big gasoline walkout. I bought my gas on Monday so, not really trying to boycott, I just didn't need any gas. There are analysts who feel these boycotts only make a slight difference in gas prices and I believe that just goes back to how dependent we are to oil. If enough people avoided the tanks on these designated days, a boycott could work in driving down prices substantially. The problem is that there aren't enough people participating and there probably never will be. That's why big oil businesses are never worried when someone gets it into their head to boycott. Again, we're just too dependent. It requires a lifestyle change. If you're not too far from work to walk, then walk. If your mass transit systems work, take the bus, trolley or train. Lord knows I've been begging for the option to telecommute for years. If I could, I would certainly be doing my part. I never go anywhere, really, besides work. And now, I will climb down off of my soap box.

Hubby asked me what I plan to do while he's gone next week because, "I don't know what the hell I'm going to do, " he said.

I told him that my plan was to keep the kids busy and, in turn, keep myself busy. I then reminded him that he'll have the opportunity to see friends and family.

"Family? Yes," he said, "But so-called friends didn't support me, remember?"

Hmm. I'd sort of forgotten. When my hubby and I got together over a decade ago now, he began taking me around to meet his friends. They were less than supportive on how serious he'd gotten with me and how quickly it had all happened. They would tell him that he shouldn't settle down and would constantly beg him to go out with them to the clubs and troll for women. He didn't and wouldn't. I remember one incident in particular where we went to his friend's wedding and many of his coworkers were there. If looks could kill! They certainly did not want me there and didn't hide their disapproval of me. I just wasn't what they thought my hubby should be with. Thankfully, the reception was a lot nicer and I had to be convinced to go, after the cold shoulder I had gotten with everyone.

Not every coworker was like this. There were a couple (interestingly, the ones that were married or in a relationship) that were genuinely happy for him and actually spoke to me. I really haven't thought about this in a long time and after our discussion last night, I understand why he's not so eager to see them. I still wonder if he'll see the old girlfriend...

So Much Going on Inside

Hubby and I are going through a rough patch, currently. We have a small flame burning that seems to enrage with the slightest issue, mistake or wrong word spoken. Currently, the flame is down to smoldering embers, but you never know when it will turn into a full-fledged rager.

We've both been on edge majorly...he, because of his non-stop work schedule. Me, because of my work and constant attention given to my girls. It's starting to wear me out and I keep thinking, "I need a break for me," but it just hasn't happened yet. I seem to remember feeling the same way not long after my eldest was born. This overwhelming feeling of being trapped that just pushed down on me (and being a touch claustrophobic doesn't help matters). There's also an amazing amount of guilt wrapped up in all of this; not wanting to leave my kids with relatives or strangers because if it's a lot of work for me, surely it's a lot of work for them. Babysitting is only so long, then you have to come home and take care of the children again. Besides, I could use that money for so many other things. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls...It's just I'm feeling a bit trapped in my life and need a change. Can't see how that's going to happen anytime soon. My reaction? Throwing flame throwers of frustration at my hubby. Not good.

So, to make matters more interesting, he's going on a work trip next week (his flight leaves this Saturday morning) and he'll be gone for seven days. Seven days...that will be the longest time we've ever spent apart. On his trips to Vegas, he's only ever been gone (the longest) three days...and that was only because he couldn't stand to be away from us and came home. He was supposed to be gone four days. This time, there's no coming home early from this trip. It's not a six hour drive and a couple of hundred miles, it's 1600 miles and a 5 hour flight.

The break will do us good, but it also has me a bit paranoid. His last girlfriend lives in that city and (I believe) she still holds a torch for him. With everything that's going on here, she may seem quite appealing. Someone who isn't throwing napalm at him at nearly every waking moment and would do anything to get him? Like I said...paranoid. I don't know if he'll try to contact her, but I wouldn't be surprised. They are still "friends" and I'm sure he'll try and see as many friends as he can, while he's there. It's been four or five years since his last trip there, after all and last time, he was only there two days.

Meanwhile, it's me and the girls...but it's always me and the girls. I've been planning a playdate for the eldest and trying to figure out what else we can do to make the time pass a bit more quickly. If I can get the little one sleepy enough before we go, perhaps a movie at the theaters? (Amazing...I can't even remember the last time I went - and this from someone who used to go one or two times each weekend). Dinner out at a real restaurant (not a cattle-call buffet or fast-food) and a chance for the eldest to put those manners to work. A skating night on Tuesday, perhaps and possibly another playdate next week. Those will be their distractions and my putting my focus into them? Mine. I hope it works.

In other news, Mother's day was nice. Hubby gave me a spa certificate for a massage, made me a crab dinner and washed my car. The babe made me a really cute book in school, which is now proudly displayed on my desk at work. It was a nice day, but it ended on sort of sour note when I happened to ask my hubby questions about his mom. A touchy subject it seems, since he got all bent out of shape about it and clammed up. Well, I guess I'll keep my questions to myself (he hates when I don't talk to him, but damn. I can't walk on eggshells, can I?).