Spring is Roaring Like a Lion

We got several inches of snow on the first day of spring. It snowed and snowed and snowed. Then, at around 11ish, I took a look outside of my back window and could see the sidewalk around our "would be" porch. A couple of hours later, half of our yard was visible. By the end of the day, most of the snow (even the stuff that had been out there for a few days) had melted. They keep saying we'll have our 60 degree days again by Saturday, but I dunno. For the past few Sundays, we've gotten more than our share of the white stuff. Granted, it's the good kind of white stuff that melts quickly, but it's still more white stuff than I want in the middle (excuse me) latter part of March. Man, where did March go, anyway?

I need to walk on my treadmill. I need to do my toning tapes. I was shaking my fist in the air (I can't remember why, now. It was in excitement, not anger) and my forearm was jiggling. My forearm, dammit...ugh! What the heck is that about? Yeah, it's all about the weights...even if I'm just sitting on the bed talking to the baby or something. I can't take much more of this. Hubby's schedule is out of control and Indy is still so little and so needy, it's been hard finding the time. I'm proud of the fact that I am so motivated to get back at it because, Lord knows I could have cared less with my first rebound from pregnancy. This time, it's because I totally know what I'm missing.

Like sex (I know, TMI), when you're pregnant, your options become more and more limited the bigger you get. Then, when you get the green light from the doctor that everything is okay, your racing to get back to the "good" stuff cause you totally know what you were missing. It's very similar with my working out. True, I know how horrible it's going to be at first; the discomfort, the fighting with myself over whether or not I should work this day or that, the excuses, etc... but I know that when I get back to my groove, it will be so good! Things will start to tighten up, my mood will elevate, my energy will return and, who knows, I may even see some rendering of a waistline again. I'm really and truly ready. Hubby says tonight he'll watch the girls but then, what about dinner? I'm trying to make our meals every night again. It's so much healthier for everyone and we have leftovers for work meals and stuff. It was great last week and I don't want to loose my momentum. Ugh! It can't ever be easy, can it. Anything worthwhile never is, I guess.

As for everything else, Hubby still hasn't given me (or entered) his bank statements or his receipts. I've seen them, piling up into a huge mass on the kitchen counter but that's been the end result so far. He says he wants me to wake him one hour earlier tonight so that he can get the information in and we can start discussing a budget and how we want to consolidate. Meanwhile, I borrowed against my 403b to provide us with the cushioning they say you're suppose to have, in case of an emergency (something outside of the budget, but a definite need). The payments are totally reasonable and something I can handle myself after we consolidate everything else. It sounds like more debt, but it really isn't.

The babe went on her first field trip last week to a museum and her teacher told my brother-in-law that she did very well. I hope this continues because it's so hard grounding her all the time. I hope the "click" happens soon with her memory as well. I'll have to remember all of this when it's Indy's turn...five year olds can't remember a thing!

Now, what was I doing? Oh, work...work, that's right...work.

Yesterday, I saw Grass in my Backyard

Freaky weather is the other name March should have. We've had a whole gambit of it! A few weeks of 60 degree, near perfect weather turned into a blizzard almost overnight. Yesterday, before church, I let the dog out and could see the brown in are backyard becoming green again. I thought, "Hey, spring is near. Hallelujah!" Then, as if a switch had been flipped during service, we left the building to buckets and buckets of snow...I'm talking inches being dumped at a time within minutes. We ran to the car and as we sat inside, watched as snow quickly recovered my windows just as fast as hubby brushed the snow off. It was nuts!

It took us about 40 minutes to get home in white-out conditions. Both hubby and I were hoped up on coffee, so we kept on chatting and chatting, which made me more and more nervous (I didn't get a lot of sleep and neither did he, hence the coffee. Neither of us drinks it much.) Thank God we got home safely! After the conditions we had, it's no wonder we had this many accidents.

We've (hubby and I) have been working on constructing the family budget. Interestingly, I'm the one more focused about it and it was his idea. He keeps stalling on giving me the receipts and stuff...we'll, maybe not stalling. Maybe he's just afraid of what the computer is going to spit back at us, once it tallies up our monthly expenses. He may find that he only gets a $3.oo entertainment budget or something...who knows. I keep pestering him and he says he'll give me the remaining stuff today, since many of the checks he wrote last week will have cleared. We'll see. We've also been talking about our vacation this year, since I still have those freebee round-trip tickets I have to take before September. We're not sure what we want to do, but we know we're going to take the girls. Wow! Indy's first trip and she's not even a year!

Quality time is limited again and I can see it's having an effect on both of us. I'm glad his three days off are coming up but, it also depresses me a little because they always go so fast. I look forward to the time when we can nitch out days to be with each other that are not dependent on work or schedules. I guess we'll be retired by then...

School is going okay for the babe, but I think her new teacher has "stuff" she wants to talk to me and hubby about. On the babe's first day, she said that she would be calling us at the end of their term to discuss our babe's academic level. She would have to have her in class for a bit before she would be able to tell, which makes sense. I had to call Friday to find out about an upcoming field trip, but she wasn't available. When she called back, the babe answered the phone. When she handed me the receiver, her teacher was giggling a bit and she said something like the babe was a character or something (I didn't quite get what she said), but then she said, I'll schedule time to talk to you. Dang it! Why does it feel like going to the Principal's office, even when it's not you? Does that feeling ever go away? It seems so stupid to get apprehensive, but I am. We've been through so much with her. I just want things to be okay.

Back on the weight-loss band wagon...seriously! When I returned to work, everyone brought stuff for a pot-luck for me. Hard to watch what to eat when people have brought food in your honor. Then, I was asked to lunch with friends. I was good and didn't order anything crazy, but a lot of damage from the first day had already been done. I resided on working hard at watching things the remainder of the week. Over the weekend, I got organized and came up with a menu for this week (that worked well, the last time I was training/eating right). I'll try to keep this up, if I can. It's so much healthier for, not only me, but the babe as well. This way, I can also maintain her sugar levels so she's not going nuts and losing her mind.

The immediate goal is to try and loose ten pounds by Easter. It's a realistic goal, if I stick to my guns. Hubby is supposed to help with the kids, so that I'll have time to work out. I'm hopeful. I know how much of a difference just a few pounds makes on my short frame. I can't wait until I can get back into all of my clothes!

Back to work...Hormones in Balance

Today was my first day back to work (in the office). I worked from home, yesterday. Wow! I was just looking at the last post and so much has happened since then (especially a calming of the hormones and the disappearance of that pesky postpartum crap that interferes with rational thinking). Can you tell I'm not an emotional person?

So, here's what's up: Hubby and I have been working with our babe on her behavior issues and boy have things changed. I also figured out that the babe challenges people to whom she perceives as timid or not able to "hold their own". She knows she can walk over them...not that it's right, but it's definitely her desire to test her boundaries and see how far she can go. Anyway, she now owns up to her mistakes and issues and does a much better job of listening. Sadly, too much had occurred at her school that we had to move her to our own, neighborhood district (everything happens for a reason, everything happens for a reason, everything happens for a reason...). We had a student conference with the teacher on Wednesday, February 22nd. He let us know that she was on track, completely with her education (letters, numbers, words, math, etc...). Then, we discussed behavior and he told us that if she didn't have "perfect" behavior for the remaining week and a half, she would need to leave (the end of their term and, in their opinion, the best time to make a change). It was pretty final in his voice and the student-teacher was non-vocal most of the meeting.

I'm not one to throw down the race-card and hubby and I looked at all aspects of the situation before we came to this conclusion but, we felt that the student-teacher had pretty much washed her hands of our little one. And, she looked at me like she was terrified the entire time we sat there. We had only talked on the phone and, as I've sad, I speak the King's English. No ebonics here (okay, when I get mad or you know, when I've had too much to drink). She probably thought (after seeing my husband) that he was a big, black man that married a white woman...someone she could potentially deal with. Wrong, lady. Her male teacher (who is married, but totally in denial of his gayness) was trying to be as nice as possible, but we could tell that they wanted my little one gone. I believe now that it wasn't entirely due to behavior stuff (cause after observing some of the kids in her class, she wasn't exactly alone in her antics), but because their classroom was in high demand, over crowded and in need of spaces for kids already in the district. Hence, out with the old, in with the new.

So, after the meeting, hubby and I went to the school where the babe is zoned. The atmosphere was totally different immediately. I believe that the location (a military town) made the difference in how we felt. Upon first inspection, there were children of all colors which immediately put us at ease. They have an understanding of diversity and are, more likely, more accepting. Whatever it was, we felt better. We left with paperwork and turned it in completed a few days later. I then wrote a letter to the babe's school and let them know of her last day. Her daycare manager choked up on the phone...she was truly going to miss our girl. I felt good that she'd made a positive impression on them.

A bit panicked, but not as panicked as I was in my last post (damn those hormones), I began trying to figure out what to do. Then, I put it in God's hands cause, well, this was too big for me. The answer came in the form of an idea. I met with my boss for lunch and discussed the situation with him, just letting him now what was up (after all, she would starting 1/2 day kindergarten 30 miles away on the day I was to return to work). We brainstormed a bit, but didn't come up with anything. Then, I prayed again on the way home. Once there, I whipped out my computer and drafted a proposal; work from home Mondays and Fridays to help keep the momentum of the behavior progress going, while continuing my normal work schedule in the office on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. This would be for the duration of the school year (beginning of June). I had my hubby look at it and my mother proof it then, praying again, I sent it to my boss. He called Thursday night to say, "Without too much discussion, it was approved." Amen!

The last day for the babe was last Friday and we spent the weekend working on transitioning her into the new location (basically telling her about her new teacher and all the cool friends she was going to make). Monday, she was ready-like-Freddy and was so excited to tell me about her new school at the end of the day. I was so grateful. I keep praying that things will continue to go as well as they are.

Indy is cooing, smiling and laughing now. Her big sister is the one that can get her to laugh on cue. It's so special. Big sis has mellowed out a lot, I think, due to Indy being here. I sure do love my girls. More to come! (Still at work...no more time to type)

Behavior Issues

For the last couple of years, my eldest has had trouble with authority figures...not all of them, but many, specifically teachers. In her daycare/preschool class last year, she constantly challenged her teacher and made her teacher's life more frustrating everyday. We would try and work with the babe at home and things would get better for a day or so, but then would ultimately go back to the way things were. Back then, we were not consistent with our methods. This year, as a Kindergarten student, we weren't aware that there were issues with behavior until the day I got a call from the principal's office, a day after delivering Indy (January 11th). Talk about disheartening! She said the same things her preschool teacher said and that the problems had been occuring all year. My hubby and I were frustrated that no one told us anything and the principal indicated that they felt they had things under control, until then.

So, no we have these behavior contracts that we sign daily when the babe comes home from school. If there have been problems, they are indicated on the contract. Then, we discuss them with her and try to find out why she did them and work to correct it so that it doesn't happen again. We've been pretty consistent with talking to her and reminding her to behave herself, but the punishments have kind of been across the board.

Now, I should say that I never had authority figure troubles as a child. My issue was talking. I just couldn't shut up to save my life. I was always in trouble for talking. I definitley got my share of spankings, but I'm a better person because of it (and, I know how to use my compulsive talking now for "good" instead of "evil"). Anyway, dad believes in whipping out the belt, while I take the grounding route. Both have worked and failed in the past; however, we got another call from the principal today and I've decided things have to change (and they really have to because she will be asked to leave the school, permanently.She's on special transfer and this type of trouble is exactly what they don't want...I even signed a contract when school first started).

I was so upset after the call, I just cried and cried. Hubby was consoling me, but was also stern. We've been working to regain our spritiuality in our marriage and in our family and faith is a big issue for him. He believes mine is stronger, so when he saw it shaken, he was really concerned. Even though he had only been home from work an hour or so (no sleep), I asked him to ride with me into town. I knew I couldn't do it alone. Once there, we talked with the principal and tried to get through to the babe. I lost it again in front of her, and she kept apologizing, but those apologies really don't mean anything anymore. She seemed to sincerely "get it" but, that's how it always is. She gets it for a day, then it's back to the garbage. If she gets kicked out, we're in major trouble! She's in all day school and it's convenient for my work schedule and close enough to my office, where I can get to her. All that will be down the crapper if she keeps messing up.

Hubby told her she was in for it, when we got home. He spanked her and sent her to bed. I was fine with the punishment, but I also think she needs more discussions about the reasons why from us. I think I'll have to turn myself into a child psychologist, for the next two weeks, in hopes of getting through to her. It's just so frustrating! It seems like the more we try, the more we get knocked down. The devil is busy!

Well, hubby is asleep so, I typed him an email in case I forgot to tell him everything when he wakes up. It explains where my "head" was in all of this drama. I'm really hoping we can make major progress because, otherwise, I may have to change jobs. All this, and we may have to move out of state to boot! What should be a quiet and happy time, where I get to know my new daughter, my oldest is stirring it up. For now, all I can do is pray.

"Dear hubby,

You're asleep right now, so I don't want to wake you to tell you this and I'm afraid if I don't get this down now, I'll forget. Today was the day we went to visit "the babe's" principal at school. After getting her phone call, I was very upset and you were right. My faith was totally shaken. After we talked to her and came home, I had a chance to ponder things. I also did a bit of searching on the web (not psych sites, but Biblical sites) to try and understand what's happening with our first born (see the link below). Truly, we are not supposed to spare the rod and spankings are a necessity;however, I think they should also be explained and I'm not sure if we've done a good job at explaining to "the babe", why she is spanked (yes, spankings are for doing things you're not supposed to but, why spankings?). When she wakes up, I will tell her about these scriptures in the Bible. I will also impress upon her that spanking is only allowed by parents. Children are not allowed to spank or hit anyone.

I'm saddened by her behavior, but I am eager to try and make things better. Together, we will work with her to make the next two weeks the best two weeks she's ever had at school (behavior wise). I agree that moving her TV and DVD player downstairs is a good idea. I don't think she is ready for such a responsibility and allowance. I also think we should do what I suggested earlier and limit her t.v. time to just two hours per day (four on weekends). When she limits her t.v. watching, she does much better at school the following day. Meals together at the dinner table are also good because it gives us all an opportunity to talk. We can't really talk about our days or anything else for that matter, when we're eating in front of the t.v. You and I should also remind her of her two week probation period often. She really needs to understand what this behavior has brought upon her. d

Going back to my faith, I feel bad that I let all of this get to me. I believe I took everything very personally, thinking that somehow my parenting is what led "the babe" to her actions. You're right; I did my part but "the babe" made her own choices. The next two weeks are pivotal for me too in that I will be praying that much harder for her to become a better student and for me to become stronger in my faith.

I appreciate your being there with me today, despite being so tired and weary from your night's work. I'm so glad I had your support because, in my state of mind, I don't think I could have exprienced that alone. Her principal was kind and understanding, even though she had every right to rant and rave. I can only imagine how frustrating this is for all of the teachers. I am so blessed and fortunate to have you as my husband and friend...my support system through everything! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For fear this is turning into a book, I will end but before I do, I want you to know that I think it's worth it...all of it...all of the heartache and disappointment...all of the joy and excitement. Everything involved in parenting, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Although Indy will probably have her share of issues as well, I am glad that I have a partner to work with me through all of them. Thank you again, my love.

Love,

"Enchantress"

Against the Books

It's been quite an adjustment, being the mother of a brand-new baby again. I thought I had a grip on a schedule and that was all blown to hell Monday night. In fact, for the past two nights, Indy has had a bath at 8, fed on a bottle directly after and stayed awake looking at me (getting diaper changes and two more bottles before finally crashing sometime after 11). She then gets up again at 2 and stays awake for an hour, then I have to get up by 5 to take the babe to my mother's house so that she can take her to school. That probably doesn't sound so terrible, but she was going to bed at 10, waking at 2 then again at 4 or 5. That was giving me 6 good hours of sleep. Arrghhh! Thankfully, hubby was home last night and was very supportive during all the turmoil. I did discover somethings last night that I hope will help in the nights to come.

She's been eating about 3 ounces ever two hours or so. Last night, I would have to get up and get another bottle because she would continue to fuss once the three ounces were gone. So, she's really eating about 4 ounces now. Then, I burp her and most times she gives me a good belch, but sometimes, I've got to beat her back for what seems like an eternity until the burp finally comes. Then, sometimes during the burping, she'll explode in her diaper again. It's just been loads of fun, can you tell? She also is not comfortable sleeping on her back (this is where the controversy comes in). Yes, yes. I know. I thoroughly practiced the "Back to Sleep" campaign with my first daughter with complete success. Indy doesn't do very well on her back (or so I discovered last night). She sacks right out on her side. I've got her supported, so that she won't turn, but I know every pediatrician and medical expert would say that I'm a bad mother.

So, I called my mother to get her advice. Years ago when she was a new mom, she placed me and my sister on our bellies (boy, have things changed!). The stats say that, even though this is a comfortable position for babies, it is this reason that may attribute to SIDS. They sleep so heavily that they may not wake up like they should. It's funny, for all the medical expertise, sometimes a mother's common sense and the trials she goes through may win out for the baby's best interest in the end, or so I feel. My mother said that with me, I was on formula for two weeks then the formula was supplemented with rice cereal after that. It was because of this and my happily full tummy that my mother said helped me to sleep through the night so quickly. Nowadays, doctor's don't start talking about solid foods until the fourth month (my mother actually gave my oldest a bit of rice when she was two months. It was Thanksgiving and she didn't want the baby to be jealous. After that, I kept it coming. Her teeth were pretty much in by her fourth month. I can even remember complete strangers commenting on how many teeth she had for so young). Food was introduced, so the body compensated.

I love this little girl to pieces, but it has been really frustrating the past couple of nights. Despite the "no, nos", I'm going to see how this goes. I hope it helps because I only have a few weeks left before she's in daycare. Granted, she'll establish a schedule there, but I'd love to have her going strong on a schedule in the evenings; however, I do understand that life will do whatever it's going to do.

I'll be popping onto this and my "Enchantress"site, now. Today is the first day of trying to be a hot mom again. Go check it out when you have a chance.

My House is My Home

Before and after....Yeah!

















Having a living space again has been extra nice, but having one that's so color-comfortable and arranged so nicely has been a treat. Hubby has added a few extra touches since these pictures were taken on January 13th and I suspect he'll continue to add. It's looking more and more like Vegas is going to happen, so our house has to be "sell" worthy. I've been trying to cope with the thought of being without him for several months and, I gotta say, I'm not happy about it at all. I'm not even sure how we're going to do this because after just a couple of days of being apart from each other, we're dying and making expensive phone calls throughout the day. He wants me and the girls to make frequent visits but I don't like the idea of making that six hour drive by myself with two little kids. If it were just me or me and another driving adult and the kids, that would be fine. I just worry that if something happened to me or to the car, what would my girls do? Flying would be okay sometimes (since SLC and Vegas have lots of commuter flights that are reasonable) but who knows how often will have that opportunity. Money is going to be hoarded and saved for a while, until we can make our new start in that city.

****Okay...blogging weirdness. I had a whole paragraph typed about my hubby calling our former real estate agent about how to prepare our house for selling and it just disappeared. I wish there were an undo button or something in here. Ugh!*****

The baby is getting cuter and cuter by the day. She's also spending more time awake during the daylight hours, which is making her mother most happy. She looks at me with those wide brown eyes as if she has a lot on her mind and a lot to communicate. I think the cooing is coming soon. Oh, the cooing! The second really cool milestone (she's already experienced the first). She's been smiling at me and her daddy and no. It's not gas. These are smiles (mimics) of her parents and grandmother, aunt and big sister. My oldest didn't really smile much until she was in her second month. I think that's pretty typical of babies. Anyway, it's so sweet. Oh, babies.

One last comment (more for documentation and history purposes for me). Because of the reduction, I didn't think I'd be able to breast feed. Or, if I did, I'd have to supplement because of low milk. Well, while in the hospital, the colostrum started to come a little more than I thought it would. Indy was already feeding from a bottle so when I tried to introduce her to my milk source, she wasn't willing to work for it. She just got really frustrated and screamed a lot. Saturday night, my milk came in...I mean, it really came in. I look like a freakin' porn star! My hubby, of course, is loving it and getting more frustrated by the day. Surprisingly, so am I. I didn't expect to have a "drive" at all, but I am so ready. Three more weeks. Good, God! Can I wait that long?!

Anyway, because she's not nursing, doesn't want to nurse, has no interest in nursing, I've been binding my chest. What a pain in the butt! First of all, I hate wearing clothes to bed but, I've had to wear underwear (for obvious reasons) with pads and will continue to do so for probably another couple of weeks. On top of that, I'm wearing sports bras (sometimes two at a time) and a huge ace bandage around my chest. No comfort for me. Then, when I take all this hardware off to shower, I leak everywhere. Who knew! So, for anyone who has had a reduction and is wondering if they'll be able to nurse, don't write it off until the baby is with you and you've tried it for yourself. You may just be surprised like I was.

N.D. "Indy" Has Arrived...Finally!

Well, here she is! I'm not afraid to show a newborn picture because, frankly, newborns look pretty much the same in the first few days but...dang it! I still think she's pretty cute!

So, January 10th was the day to visit the doc for my follow-up. He wanted to recheck my blood pressure and urine, so that's what he did. After doing so, he comes into the exam room and says, "Guess what?" So, of course I say, "What?" and he says, "You're going to have a baby today." I was like, "I am?" Well, my pressure was still too high and my urine protein was at a 4+. He was concerned about my health as well as the baby's, so he called over to the hospital and told them I was coming. Hubby had gone to the check up with me so, he was totally in shock when we left the office to go to the hospital. He thought we'd be there a few minutes, go home then he could sleep off the night's work. This was not to be.

I checked into labor/delivery and they had me hooked up to the pitocin and magnesium by 11:00 am. By 1:25, the contractions were coming hard and my water broke. They gave me my epidural at 2:25 and life felt much better, after that. I went from a 4 to a 6cm, then slowly climbed to an 8 where I didn't progress much after that. The doc comes in and says, "I'm still not happy with the how high she is and I'm worried about your health and hers. The baby has been in this position for a couple of hours and we don't want her to go into stress, so we're going to have to perform a C-section." Yikes! Well, doc knows best so, they preped me and hubby got on his scrubs and matching shower-cap(too cute). They numbed me up again and rolled me to the operating room.

On the table, I was very much awake and very much aware of the tugging and pulling my doctor was doing. It was too freaky! He then says, "Now, I see why she wasn't descending. The umbilical cord is wrapped around her head." Good, Lord! Thankfully, she was okay and the moment he removed her from my belly, I felt elated and sad all at the same time. The weight of her leaving was so surreal and the idea that she was finally with us...I just can't explain it. That was at 6:45pm. The nurses took her to do her apgar score. My mother, sister, daughter and husband all saw her before I did. (I was truly jealous). Meanwhile, I chatted with the doc and the nurses while he sewed me up (that was pretty surreal, too).

So, back in my room I'm asking, "Where's the baby?" and "When can I see the baby?" I got answers like, "Oh, they're bathing her...Oh, they're running tests...Oh, they're dressing her." Finally, at around 9ish, they wheeled her in. So precious! I had no idea that my children would look so different! I just assumed this one would be Hershey dark like her big sister, but she's very fair (like my side of the family). It was magical finally seeing her.

The next day, they still had me connected to the magnesium drip and I also had the catheter (ugh!). The magnesium was infused with pitocin, to shrink my uterus and a morphine - time released pain meds. The pain meds had a horrible side effect; they made me itch and I'm not talking about a little itch here or there, I'm talking about feeling like you want to scratch your skin till it bleeds, itch. Ugh! And, I had to be on it for hours. The nurse offered me benadryl to take the edge of but, to be honest, I was really tired of all the drugs. I just wanted to be off everything or, at least, as much as I could. By 5pm, they disconnected me (thank God) and wheeled me to my new, postpartum room. I finally got to take a shower and freshen brush my teeth (Oh, the little things in life!).

Thursday was my day of visitors. My boss and his wife came and brought me the most precious receiving blanket. Then, my coworker "C" came with another coworker "M" and took pictures of the baby, me with the baby, them with the baby. It was so nice to see friends. My mother and sister also stopped by and had some QT time with Indy.

Friday was a whirlwind of getting organized and checking out. We came home and my house, oh man, my house! My husband gets a platinum star for being the most industrious man ever! It looks wonderful and I couldn't have been more happy to see it not in a state of chaos. (I have pictures I'll post later). Friday night with the babe was rough. She was still on the nursery's schedule, so she got up a lot (about every hour and a half). Saturday night was better and last night was better than that (today is January 16th, despite what the post says). I hope to have her on a more morning friendly "awake" time schedule, but who can tell? Babies will do what they'll do.

So, there's the 20 minute Version of my birth story. There are more details, but I won't go into them. I think I hit the best parts. I'm still sore and on ibu for the pain, but I'm moving around okay. It's weird to look at my stomach (which makes me look like I'm about 4 months along) and know that there isn't a baby in there anymore. Adjusting to that is taking some time. Again,though, I'm sure glad she's here and I'm even more thrilled that she was born safe and healthy.

Red Walls Equal Havoc in my Kitchen

Just a few pictures of my poor, pitiful dining room/kitchen. Will it ever look normal again? Just like my body, I'm beginning to wonder...

From the nursery, my dining room an explosion of crap (notice the Halloween tablecloth...that's so sad).

From the back french doors...more of the explosion.

The back wall of my living room. The color is much richer than the picture shows.

From the garage door entry, this is the wall that separates the living room and the kitchen.

Sleepy Weekend

Saturday, I woke up to hubby licking my face. Ugh! I hate when he does that. You know, I know that we've exchanged body fluids for years and that if anyone were to lick me, it should be him (since he's licked everything else...sorry, TMI) but, I still hate it. Anyway, he was just getting off work and getting dressed in his painter duds, in order to start work on the living room.

I rolled myself into the living room and watched him clear out the majority of the furniture. This included our 3, 6.5ft DVD stands, the coffee table and glass, the 52" t.v., the end tables and lamps and the DVD player. He moved the couch and love seat to the center of the room, then proceeded to wipe down and clean (prep) the walls. This took an hour and a half, then the actual painting began. His friend was over to learn, more than help and hubby seemed happy to have the company.

So, now my living room is Ivory with a beautiful, burgundy accent wall. It really makes the room pop. I love it! I can't wait for him to finish up with the border on top (which he hopes to get done in the next couple of days), but we'll see. There's a lot going on with work and the potential of me giving birth sometime this week. Will it happen? Huh! I just don't even try to guess anymore.

With all the homework going on, hubby and I are trying to figure our our plans for our anniversary, too. We actually celebrate the day we first got together, which was January 11, 1997 (9 years ago). I can't even believe it! It's a sweet story that I don't think I've shared on this blog, but will do so now. If it gets too sappy, feel free to page over.

In the fall of '96, I had placed myself on a self proclaimed man-strike. Why? Because, I was sick of their garbage, sick of their drama, sick of not being able to find one worth anything and just plain sick of men altogether. They were the bane of my existence and I wanted nothing to do with them. Thankfully, I wasn't so disgusted that I had to switch teams, but I have known people to do so. Anyway, the man-strike actually turned out to be wonderful for me. I did a lot of self improvement...I spent a lot more time writing and working on school projects (I was a senior in college, at the time) and more time with my friends and sorority sisters doing all sorts of service projects and good work in the community. One of the nice side-effects to all of this was a ten pound weight loss. I really felt and looked better than I had in a long time (but still wanted nothing to do with men).

Hubby and I had met when school started for me in the fall of '93. We tried to get together then, but I was a very "talkative" freshman, which inevitably destroyed any chance of us possibly getting together. After '94, hubby left school to take care of personal issues. I had friends who knew where he was in Nashville. We even ran into each other a couple of times, but it was the "pleasantly polite" syndrome that made being around him difficult.

One early morning in December of '96, I got a phone call. It was about 3ish and I had an 8:00 class coming up. I was none too happy to get a call this early; however, my mother always insisted that we take phone calls no matter what the time. She always said, "You never know what somebody may need." So, against my better judgment, I picked up the phone. It was him and it was weird and wonderful, all at the same time. He called to tell me that he felt we'd had a connection and, despite all the drama from years past, he still felt like we should have been together. He openend his heart about his feelings for me and how he harbored them for so long. We discussed this and other details about our lives for the next several hours (yep. I missed my class). After this phone call, we made plans to see each other. I would be going home (to Utah) for the Christmas break and he wanted to see me before I left. The night before my departure was total and utter bliss! He made me feel like the most special person on earth. I kept thinking, "Why me?" and "Maybe this is a mistake or a joke or something." But, it wasn't. He truly adored me and because I'd been on the "hate men" cycle for so long, it took a bit for me to absorb what was happening.

We communicated through the holidays...he would call two sometimes three times a day (his long distance bills completely out of control). When I returned from Utah, he had beautiful Christmas gifts for me and (it appeared) a heart full of love. I was still a little jaded, but I started to open up more with each phone call and each visit. On January 10th at around 11:30pm, we were talking on the phone when I broke down my walls and told him I loved him. We celebrate this day as the day we became "a couple". One year and three months later, we were married but we both felt we were ready to marry long before then. I am, however, glad that we waited.

Wednesday is the big day and it's going to be more low-key than in the past, what with the bed rest and all. I'm still excited, regardless. We can truly say that we have history together and both he and I appreciate how far we've come. Even though the road can get ultra rocky, we hold fast to our memories, to our respect for each other and our love. He is still my heart.

Lock-Down

I had my 39-week doctor's appointment, yesterday. I'm still reeling! Thirty-nine weeks! He's put me on bed rest. Below, I've pasted in the note that I sent to my coworkers about the "lock-down" he's put upon me:


Good morning, all!
As you know, I had my 39 week (can you believe that?!) appointment with the doc last night. My appointment was at 4:15 and I was weighed and ushered into a room at about that time. After the nurse took my blood pressure, she was not happy with the results, so took the pressure two additional times to be satisfied. I showed her my "cankles" and described how different they were from a couple of days ago. After the third try, I was still 120/110 (the first time it has been high during this pregnancy).
After my "void" test and another little chat with the nurse, I was sent back to my room to wait for the doc. He appeared shortly thereafter and took a look at my chart, emitting a concerned "Hmmm" as he looked. He then performed his "checks" and then asked me, "So, what are you doing tomorrow?"
"Umm, work and stuff," I said.
"Well, you may be delivering a baby, depending on what we find out about her. But first, I want you to lay on your left side for a few minutes, then I’ll send the nurse back to take your pressure again."
Okay total shock…but, the whale flipped over onto her left side and waited for the nurse like a good mammal. She returned, took my pressure again and sighed with relief – 120/80. "Much better," she said. The doc returned and said that he wanted to do a stress test on the baby. I get dressed and walk down the hall to a room with a Lazy-boy (I kid you not!) and the stress test machine next to it. They strap the monitors on, recline the Lazy-boy and ask me to push a sensor, every time the baby moves. Since the strapped-sensor was not cooperating, my left hand was in charge of holding it on. I looked like a contortionist! So, there I lay for about 45 minutes (anyone want to guess how many times my cell phone rang?).
The doc returns, reads the print out then calmly kneels down to my eye level and says, "Go to bed and lay on your left side. Don’t chase your daughter, don’t run with your dog. Don’t do anything but lay there. I want to see you on Tuesday morning, the earlier the better. At that time, we’ll make an assessment and see what’s happening. We may have to get her sooner rather than later."
His concerns; my blood pressure, a 4 pound weight gain since last week (who knew!) and the fact that she is still "very high". He says that her position takes the likelihood of a C-section way up. So, we’d have to induce and try to get her moving, if she’s not showing a "move south" by Tuesday.
So, it seems yesterday was the last time I will see you guys for a while, dang it! I was ready for Pei Wei! J I will be online (that, I can do) today, Monday and (hopefully) Tuesday afternoon. Of course, I will keep you posted on the news and what’s happening with ******. Thank you all for your support through all of this. You don’t know how much I appreciate it! (Sending big bear hugs through cyberspace). Please don’t hesitate to call, email or IM me. I’ll be here.
Thanks a heap and enjoy your weekend!

So, I suspect I'll start getting messages in the next little bit (it's not quite 8:00 here, and that's about when people start coming into work). I sent my note at the 5:30 hour, already having been online for an hour. I know. I must be out of my mind! I'm not exactly obeying doctor's orders, since I took my little one to my mother's this morning. Hey, she had to get to school somehow.

It's sort of weird thinking about the possibility of the baby coming next week. What day will it be? Will her birth story be as exciting as her sister's? (Hopefully exciting, without the sickness drama) When will it happen? Will it be a morning, afternoon or evening birth? Will she look like me or her daddy? Will she be an easy child to raise or will she cry continuously? How will our lives change, once she's here? I'm really excited but I won't get nervous until showtime (that's usually how things work for me).

Hubby was so sweet, yesterday. He stalked me until I answered the phone (I had not had an opportunity to tell him why my appointment ran from 4:15 to 6:00). He purchased fixings for soup and sandwiches, along with a lovely bouquet of flowers he and the babe picked up for me as well. He's gotten refocused on the painting again, now that it appears the baby may make her appearance next week (and not in June, as I predicted). I hope it's all done, dry and my furniture back in place before she gets here. I'd like to welcome her to our home, not our tornado disaster. We're so anxious to see her!

Happy New Year!

...and I'm still pregnant. No luck on having the New Year's baby and getting all the free stuff, dang it. Would have been nice, but no dice. Instead, my hubby and I watched the ball drop (as we've done since we got together in '97) then had our new year's kiss. He said, "Man, we're like an old couple," well, yeah, but there's something to be said about time and consistency. It was all very sweet.

We stayed up watching a bit of t.v. and listening to the ruckus outside (fireworks and such). The cop who lives across the street turned on their patrol car lights and sirens, once the clock ticked over. That was interesting. At around 2 ish, we retired to the bedroom and followed through with another tradition...woohoo! I'm almost to my tenth month of pregnancy and still have no problem with my libido (just my variety). When you're nearly 40 pounds over your normal weight (with most of it being in one place), it makes for limited creativity in the bedroom. I will say, at the sake of TMI, I was glad to have his "boys". It's supposed to encourage labor. We'll see...

So, I've had consistent contractions again this morning (since around 4:30ish). They're a bit different, but I'm afraid to do anything really until I know for sure. I'm so tired of "fall alarms", you know? They're more intense and I'm feeling them in my back as well as in my front. Again, I'm not saying a damn thing until I feel like I gotta crawl to get from place to place. To pass the time, I've been working to try and keep my mind off the discomfort. I just get so tired of not knowing what's real. So, time will tell.

Before New Year's, hubby went to his friends for a party (the evening of the 30th). Remember, this was his time to get "trashed" and let loose. Okay, I can respect that. So, I didn't wait up for him per se, but since I'm up every hour anyway, I was kind of hoping he would drag himself home really early and sleep out the remainder of his morning at home. By the time I was really ready to awaken (8:3o...totally late for me), no hubby. I called his cell...nothing. I waited an hour, then called again...nothing. Waited a half hour, called again. This time, I left a message. Another half hour, left another message. After that, me and the babe got dressed and went to the mall. (For some reason, this child loves the mall). I wanted to get out of the house before I went crazy with worry. I also wanted to give the babe an outing of some sort, since her daddy had promised to take she and I to the movies that afternoon.

So, off to the mall we went, walking around only for about half an hour before she said, "Okay, mommy. Can we go now?" We went to our favorite, Chinese buffet and had lunch together. As we sat there, she eyed something behind me on the wall and said, "Mommy, what's that green and white thing on the wall over there?" Honestly, I didn't see what she was talking about and gave her a blank, "I don't know, honey." She says (really trying to figure it out), "You see it, mommy? It's right there, next to the Budda." Huh? How in the world did she know Budda? "You know Budda," I ask her. "Yes. If you touch the Budda, he will make you strong and give you power." Well, who knew! I probed a bit more and learned that they studied him a bit in class. I was so happy that she was made aware, if only to understand that there are other religions and she should be respectful of them.

After lunch, we came home and got ready for our nap but before I put her down, I tried hubby one more time. He answered. I was pissed! I let him have it until the phone died about two minutes later. Basically, my beef was with the fact that he didn't call or anything to check on me. Your wife is one hundred months pregnant? You check on her ass - end of discussion. He claimed that the phone died, but I claimed that there are other phones besides cell phones. Find a freakin' land line, man!

I hate that when I get upset and angry, I cry. I don't want to come off like I'm weak and I always feel that's how it appears. I went downstairs to bawl some more, when he came home shortly thereafter. He apologized for being a big an ass and not calling and admitted that there was no excuse. He said that he would wake up and hear his boys laughing (probably at his snoring), the pass out again. By the time he was really awake, he went to get the phone and there were no cells on the battery. (Again, we do still have access to phones that are grounded by wires and trunk lines) We talked more then adjourned upstairs to our room, where he cuddled with me for about an hour. Sometimes, all you need is a little love to put out the fire. He then made good on his promise and took me and the babe to see King Kong. Awesome!

New, News from the Doc

So, I had my 38 week doc appointment today. He measured my belly, listened to the baby's heartbeat then did the "glove and KY" routine (God, how I hate that!). It was worse today. Today, it felt like he was doing some deep excavation dig or something. I remember grabbing the hand he was using to stable himself while he "probed". It was awful! The news was better than the exam. I'm 2 centimeters dialted and 50% effaced. Of course, that doesn't mean the baby's coming tomorrow or anything, but it does give me a bit of hope that things are starting to happen.

I woke up this morning to consistent Braxtons (around 3:30 am) and they continue until around five. After that, they slacked off and nearly disappeared altogether. After my visit with "Doctor Probe", they started up again. Not only that, I'm feeling extra sensitive down there (and, it's no wonder). When hubby got home, he had the nerve to say, "Well, if your contractions are coming more frequently, it makes more sense that I stick around on the 31st." Yah, think?! Then I was like, "I thought you were going to be here on the 31st." Then, he was like, "Well, nothing was set in stone for tomorrow night or that night. We were just gonna get drunk." Oh, so now he was planning on drinking himself into a stupor? Well, hell. I don't want you there if you're gonna be drunk. He was like, "I wouldn't come to the hospital drunk." Ugh! Sometimes, I wonder about that boy. I really think he said all that stuff to get a rise of out me and why? Because he's being a stupid man, that's why. Geesh!

I'm so glad I have tomorrow off. Work was really weird, today. My coworker "C" and I, IM'd throughout the day to try and resolve issues. I think we solved one, but it took (literally) all day! You'd think with as slow as it's been, we could have cruised through the day, but that was not to be. She was so frustrated because she felt like everytime she tried to help, it would blow up in her face (ever have one of those days?). I kept trying to reassure her, and as I said, we ended up resolving an issue by the end of the day, but it definitely tried her patience.

So, I'm happy about the doc's assessment but I know it may mean nothing for a time. He also said that he wouldn't let me go over a week past my due date. His reasoning was that the fluid is decreasing and there wouldn't be enough to sustain the baby. He actually said, "Babies have died because of this." I'm glad he doesn't sugarcoat things with me (I just wish he had a gentler touch. Yow!!). He also said that if he waited too long, she could get so big that coming through the birth canal wouldn't be an option, then I'd have to have a C-section. No, thank you. I'm really, really hoping she comes on her own. I really don't want the pitocin drip...it was murder the last time. Here's to hoping that, with each passing day, this baby feels more motivation about coming into the world.

Still Pregnant, but Coming to Terms

I'm frustrated but I've decided to try and calm down. It's hard because my discomfort is growing worse and worse with each passing day. Now, it kind of feels like I'm having menstral cramps in my back (which would be fine, if that's what they were...then, I could just pop a motrin and go to bed. Oh...Motrin...how I miss thee!). Unfortunately, I just have to suffer through them. Taking baths helps, but my jetted tub holds gallons of water...something that, economically, shouldn't be done to frequently. The bathroom trips are coming even more frequently, if that were even possible. At night, I'm up about every hour (seriously...I check the clock everytime I get up). At least if baby is active and won't let me go back to sleep, I've got new movies to watch and The Sims 2 to play (gifts from my hubby). The sad thing is I'm a bit addicted to the Sims. It sounds crazy, but you can't just play for an hour and stop...well, at least I can't. The funny thing is that hubby used to talk trash to me about how much time I spent playing the original and the Sims Bustin' Out, but then he bought me the new one. Silly, boy.

I've been reading a lot of web boards about women who are due in January. Quite a few have had their babies, while others (like me) are dealing with the last of the pregnancy drama. Some of them haven't even had Braxton Hicks, thinning, dialation, or anything yet. It makes me a lot more grateful for the "signs" I seem to be having that women, who are due earlier than I am, haven't even seen yet.

Oh, the five year old! She is running around driving me absolutely batty! I know it's partly the hormones, but it's also the schedule too. She's used to doing certain things at certain times of the day where now, she can pretty much play and play the day away. She loves the freedom, but I can tell there are lulls and she gets bored. I really don't have the energy and I'm really hoping my mother will take her for a couple of days this week to give her some variety. I've been working from home the past few days and will continue to do so through tomorrow. Monday, I'll still be at home, then Tuesday I'll return to work. I can't believe it...I'll return to work. It seems so wrong! I know the babe will be happy to be back at school with her friends and I'll actually enjoy being around company again...but.... Okay, no sadness. I'm coping. Coping, coping, coping.

Finally, I've been emersed in Anthony Hamilton's new CD, Ain't Nobody Worryin'. It's too bad he doesn't travel to this side of the continent. I'd love to see him live. I suppose I'll have to wait till I'm back east to see him. Such a shame. I think black artists hitting the "not so frequent" or "not so popular" cities is a brilliant idea (Bernie Mac new exactly what he was doing, back in the 90's). People just assume there aren't people of color in Cheyenne, Flagstaff, Anchorage, Salt Lake and the like. "We're here and we'll pay to see you!" "Give us a chance!" I would be willing to drive to Vegas if he ever went there.

It's time to feed the family (animals included). The dog keeps hitting me with his paw as if to say, "Excuse me, but you need to take your round butt over to my dog bowl and fill it up because I haven't eaten since 7 this morning and I'm tired of waiting so, get a move on duck-lady before I decide to make a snack out of one of these obnoxious cats!"

Merry Christmas! Now, bring on the grub!

Christmas morning began with my hubby getting home from work at a quarter to seven. He crawled into bed, shivering from the fever chills. We've decided that he's dealing with side effects from the tetanus booster he got last Thursday. This new vaccine now has whopping cough added to it. Lovely! Hubby's had a fever of some sort ever since.

Anyway, the babe wakes to his arrival and runs into the living room to see if Santa came (of course, he did). She runs back to our room to announce, "Santa came! Santa came! There are more presents under the tree. Come and see!" So, hubby drags himself up and puts on layers of clothes. I roll my round butt into the living room with him. What a sight! He's sick as a dog and my festive spirit (on a scale of 1-10) was about a 2. Thank goodness for the babe's energy. She opened presents for about an hour and played in the living room for a good chunk of the day, while dad and I slept.

After a few hours, I got up to make the apple crumble to take to my mother's for dessert (I made the rum cake on Christmas eve). Then, we all got up and got ready to go. Once we got there, we opened the presents my mother and sister got for us. My sister bought me a lovely "bath pampering" set. She bought my hubby a gift card to Home Depot and my daughter the cutest blouse and sweater. More gifts were exchanged as company began to arrrive. My mother invited to couples (friends of hers from church). We ate and ate and ate, and they drank and drank and drank. The drinks of the hour? White Z, red, and white merlot. I never saw a glass empty!

I got to "smell" the wine and take a sip of my mother's, but that was it. Ugh! I'm gonna die on New Years! Hubby's already talking about going out with the guys that night. We haven't spent a New Years apart...ever. He'll be out drinking it up while I desperately try to find a comfortable position to sleep in for the night. Have I said this is getting on my nerves...no really, it's getting on my nerves. Truly. I mean it. I'm not for the sharing anymore. Lord, will it end!

Oh, and an update on my doctor's visit? He said my cervix is thinning, but the baby is still "way up there" and I'm not dialated at all. He also said, "I don't think we're going to see your baby this year." Yep! Just as I suspected. She'll come in February and weigh 15 pounds and be three feet long. My coworker has probably already had her baby. Lucky girl! Um, have I said this is getting on my nerves? Really.

Weird Weather and Baby Stuff

Wednesday, I was home nursing the babe. Thursday, my hubby woke up with a fever and the same symptoms as the babe. Oh, brother. I started spraying disenfectant like a crazy woman! Can't afford to have the cruds while I'm 100 months pregnant. Dad took his meds like a good boy, and I sent him on his way. I took the babe to school (she was thrilled about it) and took my round butt to work.

Now, if you work in a standard office, you know how fattening it can become during the holidays. So far, one coworker has brought in two batches of homemade caramel corn. Another, took home her recipe and brought in her own version, another lady has been keeping a consistent stash of Ghirardelli's at her desk, I brought a bag of holiday M&Ms that lasted only a day, another coworker brought in about twenty, full on candy bars to share and finally, homemade caramels showed up yesterday. If I weren't preggers, I'd be a sow for sure! As it is, I can say (at least) some of the sugary goodness is actually helping my babe. Well, it could be helping!

I went and got a massage last night to try and "egg on" labor. No, luck. A few braxtons and that's about it, although, I am feeling more like she's dropped some because I was able to sing in the car without feeling like I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. Also, there are other noticeable differences: there's this feeling of "openness" I haven't had...that is to say, it feels like holding things in is getting harder to do. I may have effaced a bit, but they tell you that most mothers can't tell. I have another doctor's appointment today and, not sure about this, but maybe he'll do another internal to see if things have progressed. The lady at work who is due a week before me is already 50% effaced and at a 1. I'm guessing she's probably all nerves and excitement, now. I'm so happy for her!

Last week, we were hanging with cold temps and then dumps of snow. This week, it's like spring! 45-50 degree weather, along with rain showers. What's up with that? The ten-day predicts that we won't have a white Christmas, which is fine; however, It's kind of weird that it will be more like a Beverly Hills Christmas. I haven't experienced a mild Christmas since I was a child. If my babe were going to get a bike, this would be the year (because she could actually take it for a spin, later in the day). But, she already has a bike and will probably curl up with her brand new TV and DVDs instead. I suppose things could change between now and Sunday, but I doubt it.

Finally, we watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose last night. What a trippy movie that was! It was also not what I expected. I suppose I was expecting a more "exorcismesque" movie, but this was more like a bioptic meets L.A. Law. It was well done and well acted, but also very sad. My hubby and I commented on how "this type of thing" always seems to happen to isolated, die-hard Catholics. Ever hear of a Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran exorcism? Neither have I. I attributed the idea to all the ceremony that surrounds Catholicism (which has some influence in voodoo practices and I believe I've heard that they have their share of possessions, too.) It was kind of heavy to watch, with just a few days till Christmas. I hope we start watching "lighter fare" in the next few days.

Frustration Makes One Loony

My hubby just made the most bizarre phone call to me. It was all about how he was frustrated about all the stuff that needed to be done and why we didn't try and do all the stuff before the baby came. Of course, it's too late and we can't cry over spilt milk. He was really irritated and cut our conversation very short. Then, he called back while I was away from my desk and left a two minute message (that's pretty long, considering most people leave a 30 to 50 second message standard). He basically went on to say that it was our joint decision to not pursue things the way we should have and blah, blah, blah. I just really wasn't in the mood for the drama.

When I got home, my babe was coughing a lot and didn't eat well. She's a huge fan of top Ramen (who isn't?) and I should have known that she wasn't feeling well when she didn't even get half way through the bowl. I left her to her movies, while I got some things organized in the back. when I came back to check on her, she had her face buried in the couch but, she was bent over and standing up...all while sleeping. Poor, thing. I ushered her into her room and got her to bed fast. Then, I found some meds to give her and tucked her in.

At around 12ish, she was up hacking and hot, hot, hot! I took her temp and at 101.7, I decided that school wouldn't be an option for her today (12.21.05). I called my office and left messages for my boss and coworker. I bet they have just really gotten desensitized to my early morning phone calls, but I still assured them that I wasn't in labor and not going to the hospital.

Now, she's on the couch watching Barney (heaven, help me!) and looking most pitiful. I've been working for a little over two hours and will probably only do a half day today. We'll see. In the meantime, I'm wondering about the mood of my husband once he comes home. He was planning on painting the living room, which means we will have to hide out in our master bedroom (the babe and I) until he finishes. I'm sure it would have been easier to accomplish without his wife and child at home but, some circumstances can't be avoided. I hope he gets some rest before he starts...I can't imagine painting my house after working my regular night shift and half a morning shift. What craziness!

He just called and said that he doesn't have to work tonight so, all the hard work will help him sleep. I guess he's got everything figured out. He appeared to be in a good mood, but we'll see.

On the baby front, I'm trying things to encourage my contractions. I purchased raspberry tea and drank a steaming cup of it last night. It's supposed to relax your uterus and allow the contractions to "work" more effectively. Perhaps this evening I can convince my hubby to "return" the weekend favor and give me the big, "O". That ought to help things along, too. Meanwhile, my ankles are continuing to swell and look like sausages. I can't even see the bone anymore!

Oh, and we had our company party Monday night. It was lovely! The food was divine, which is saying a lot since Christmas party food can fall under the "country club" arena and just be bland, bland, bland. We had the most tender baked chicken I've ever tasted, wild rice, carrots, green beans, real mashed potatoes and soft-buttered rolls. For dessert, eclairs, puffs and fudge along with fresh coffee and real cream. After dinner, they brought in an improv comedy group which was a great way to top of the evening. So, my prediction did not come to pass. My water did not break on the way up the elevator. In fact, I'm thinking this baby isn't really interested in showing up at all, now. I wonder what kind of long term effects that tributaline has on people? Could it be that I actually have to wait past my due date? Oh, the humanity!

A Good Weekend

It's been a good weekend and I'm kind of sad to see it end. Although hubby had to work Friday night, he was home all day Saturday. We assembled the baby's dresser and I finally got all the baby shower stuff off the floor and organized in the drawers. It's actually starting to look like a nursery, now...unfortunately, my kitchen looks like a tornado went through it (hubby is in the midst of painting again). But, that's okay. It's all for the greater good.

We were supposed to go to the movies today, but instead we went shopping for more baby duds. The crazy thing is that we found little of what we were looking for: border for the nursery ceiling, a lamp for the dresser, decorative outlet covers, inexpensive Energizer rechargable batteries. All we found was the lamp, which is really cute but everything else was either the wrong color or we couldn't find it at all. The same thing was true of the dresser. It wasn't until we searched and searched before we found what we wanted for the price we wanted. I suppose that's what we'll have to do this time.

So, I'm in my ninth month and hubby is horny and not scared again. We didn't try to go full on (I don't think we could, now, even if we tried) but, I was able to position myself for oral pleasure which will have to do, for now but I heard no complaints...none at all. I was kind of scared to get it myself, for fear of the pain that's now associated with everything I do. It's such a joke! My body is totally out of my control. It hurts when I sit, stand, rollover, play dead (lol)! You get the idea. The Braxtons are still coming and are a little more intense, which is another reason why I didn't allow my husband to visit downtown, but maybe I should have...it could jump start my labor or put me in traction. Either way, I'd get a break from work. Oh, what the heck am I saying! Get this baby out! I'm starting to loose my mind!!

Music and Memories

I've been digging this new online, radio site, Live365. I was listening to Old School R&B and boy has it brought back a lot of memories, mainly from my latter days in high school and early college days. BlackStreet came on, and it immediately brought back memories of driving down Clarksville Highway, on my way to see my boyfriend in the dead of night (we're talking 40 minutes of rural highway...lots of trees, cows, and gas stations named after people). I had taped selected songs from a girlfriend's CD copy (because my Magenta, '93 Geo Storm only had a tape player, dang it!) and I would drive down the highway, singing at the top of my lungs with the anticipation of seeing my manly man. Now, everytime I hear them, I think of him (Oh, and I've posted this picture before...not such a bad photographer, huh? Of course, look at my subject matter! This was taken at the Ponce De Leon peninsula in Ponce De Leon, Florida this past May - on a side note, I was pregnant at the time and drinking like a fish, but I didn't know I was pregnant. Hey! I was on vacation).

A variety of Keith Sweat was playing, which also made me think of him. Personally, I am not a Keith Sweat fan and I feel like he whines entirely too much. (Be a man and stop begging! Dayum!) When I was in college, I was a member of BMG or Columbia House (one of those places that suckers you into receiving random CDs for years). I happened to get a Keith Sweat CD that I didn't return, but ended up giving to "this guy" because he said he liked him a lot. Later, this guy managed to get me into his dorm room and show me what it means to be a woman...hmmm....That guy was my future hubby. Who knew!

Other songs that have played have made me think of the haunted halls of my high school, passing notes to my friend in a notebook we shared, borrowing each other's clothes (she had a thing for my suede boots), parties at my house (not out-n-out house parties, but mainly giggly girls and overly observant boys, watching movies, eating pizza and scarfing down as many skittles as we could get our hands on...then topping off the evening with a good, ole fashioned tarot reading). Driving to school and singing to these same songs on the radio (in my beat up, '81 Datsun wagon...the one that barely made it up the hill and desperately needed a paint job, but I didn't dare because I only paid $700 dollars cash for that bucket of bolts anyway). Hearing the guys "talking" BBD's, Poison (because, you know, guys don't sing songs in high school...they rap everything) whenever I walked down the hall. Now, what was that about? I was a good girl. Why poison?

There are still more songs that make me think of different guys (Shhh! Don't tell my hubby.) Like, the guy I was convinced would be my husband. He was so beautiful (inside and out) and we had a great time together. He was kind of quiet...a bit of an introvert, in fact but we totally balanced each other. As soon as I told him where I was going to college (45 miles away) he punked out and made it seem like I was too far away to deal with. But, even before then, he had made a comment to me in the car (after we'd gone to the movies or something) that sent all sorts of red flags up for me;

"I don't think I was meant to do anything but work. I'll probably work and work until I die."

Um, right. You don't plan on having any fun in there anywhere, man? You just gon' work till you drop dead, huh? What's up with that? It was pretty much a done deal, after that comment. Once I started college, we talked maybe twice and then I never saw him again. I wonder about where he is, sometimes. I'm sure, wherever he is, he's working. Ah, memories~

I am Huge!

(So, I drafted this on Monday, December 12th but it's actually Wednesday, December 14th around noon MST...just so yah know)
Huge, I tells yah! Huge like a whale...huge like a wide-load mac truck, huge like a zepplin...HUGE!! People are starting to make comments about my hugeness as well. It's nuts how big I got...seems like, over the weekend I put on twenty pounds or something. What the hell? I tried on two dresses before church, Sunday, and my hubby was straining (I kid you not) straining to get the zipper up my back. It never went...so, I tried on the back-up dress. No dice. Oh, man. What happened? The sweater I wore on Monday looked as if if was going to burst at any moment. This baby needs to come and she needs to come now! Come on, "N"! Mama's waiting for you!

I woke up really congested on Monday and blew my nose constantly through the day. It didn't help that my boss was also snotty and yucky too (he'd spent the weekend in Arizona with 70 degree weather, than came back to our single digit nightmare). He took us to lunch for Christmas (an Italian bistro - I had the veggie lasgna) and we actually had a conversation about phlegm (lovely, huh?). Yesterday, when I got up, I felt like I'd been hit by a train (all that dairy probably didn't help matters). I decided to work from home, but I still needed to get the babe to school so, I threw on some clothes and drove the 30 miles into town to take her to daycare. I dropped her off, turned around and drove the 30 miles back. I parked my round butt on the couch for the duration of the day...laptop at the ready and working like a good girl. My timing couldn't have been better, since our new person started yesterday. My coworker would IM me and let me know the progress of the day, but I could tell something wasn't quite right.

Here's the story on the new lady: She's qualified to the hilt, has a Masters in Library Science, can manage computers well and looks fantastic on paper. When we had our interview with her, there was no energy. None. She would laugh a bit, but there was no joke...you know, nervous laughter but not the kind everyone joins in on. We felt that she could do the job, but wouldn't really "fit in" with the office. We pow-wowed with our boss and expressed our concern about the fit and how we thought either of the other two candidates would "fit in" better. So, our boss and his boss brought her and the two other candidates back in for a second interview. Well, the big boss felt "library lady" was the better candidate, so that's who they hired. My coworker, "C", talked a bit about how "weird" the day went and how "distant" she was with everyone. Now, granted, nerves can make people do strange things, but when you're getting warmth and love from everyone, "Welcome! We're so happy your here! Feel free to ask me questions anytime!", wouldn't you automatically send that happiness and warmth back? "C" said she was just cool to everyone and stayed primarily to herself. I told "C" that we would give it a couple of weeks and see what happens, then (if things aren't getting better) we ask about bringing in the lady we really wanted. It may be that "C" has to do it herself, if the baby decides to show up. (Please, please decide to show up!!)

So, I had my doctor's appointment yesterday. I shut down the laptop, threw my clothes back on, then headed over to the office. I let him know that I had a case of the ickies and he prescribed another Z-pack, saying that, "We treat colds a little more aggressively when it involves a pregnancy." Here's what I don't understand - aren't colds viruses? Antibiotics are for bacterial problems right? So, maybe it's not for the cold, per se, but for a possible infection? At any rate, I started feeling better right away the last time and this time (after the first dose) I could tell a difference in how I felt.

"So, I'll see you next week," he says. Too wild! To think, I'll see this man every week until the baby comes. I don't think I got to this point with my last one (the preeclampsia had me on bed rest one week, then in the hospital delivering a week later). So, next Friday, I'll be in his office again...kinda hoping I'm not...kinda hoping my large and in charge body will be in the hospital before then. I may have to go get another massage to "encourage" things and this time, when the contractions come, I'm not stopping those bad boys. I may just be all talk. My luck, she'll come January 20th (I'm due the 12th), be 24 inches long and 9 pounds. LOL!

tHe ChRiStMaS kId In Me

As Christmas has been approaching, I've been thinking about the things in my life that bring so much joy to me during the holidays. We've always put up the tree the day after Thanksgiving (artificial, of course). When we lived in California, we would sometimes have our fake tree and a few weeks into December, my dad would go out buy a live tree. The live tree would be in the living room for the family and the artificial would be in the window, to be seen by passersby. We never really decorated beyond the trees, but the house still felt so festive, nonetheless.

We would also watch the standard Christmas shows like, A Charlie Brown Christmas, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Scrooged, A Christmas Carol, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, A Christmas Story, White Christmas, A Garfield Christmas, A Muppet Family Christmas, A Claymation Christmas... (I think you get the idea). This just added to the feelings of holidays, food and family.

One year, my parents went to a Christmas party across the street. I was probably 5 or 6, but the memory is pretty clear. I remember lots of talking and laughing, then having more than my share of goodies and my parents having more than their share of eggnog and whatever other booze was being served. When the hour became late, my parents were saying their goodbyes, grabbed me and we headed out. As we crossed the street, my dad looked up and pointed at the sky and said, "Hey, I see the sleigh. Look! Look!" I'm straining to try to see and insisting over and over again that I can't see anything. All of a sudden, I see something sort of falling out of the sky (a falling star, no doubt, but a great decoy for a little kid). I raced to the front door and announced to my parents that I had to get to bed right away, or else Santa wouldn't come to our house.

I remember another year (perhaps, the very next year), when we went to a neighbor's house, premade song books in tow to rehearse for caroling. Now, I can't imagine doing this now, but in 60 degree weather in California, it was perfectly fine. We went door to door singing our songs and had a really good time. When we were finished, we came back to the neighbor's house for eggnog, cider and hot cocoa. It's a warm and happy memory and another time when I remember my parents actually being together at the same time (my dad toured a lot, but he was always home for the holidays).

After moving to Nashville, Christmas as a teenager became more about spending time with my friends and doing holiday "stuff" with them. We would watch movies, have tree-trimming parties, go to movies, visit shops in the mall and check out all the holiday decorations around the city. It was fun and I appreciated having a job, so that I could give rather than just get.

Trying to remember the best Christmas I've ever had as a kid is really tough because, they're all starting to blend together. I personally think this is a good thing; memories and feelings are meshing into one and there's not a specific Christmas I remember because of some gift I got, but more about the happiness and love I felt during those times. As an adult, I remember Christmas 2002 very vividly. We'd been in our home a couple of years and our daughter was old enough to appreciate the lights and also appreciate ripping open boxes with pretty paper. She wasn't too concerned about what was inside.

Now that my babe is older, I look at how she marvels at all the Christmas glitz and I'm hoping her memories are starting to form because she really seems happy...specifically, showing the same kind of happiness I once had as a child during the holidays. She's helped me put some of the gifts together this year and I'm hoping I can leave the cookies up to her (with only my assistance during the baking process) and I want to try and have her wrap a gift or two, so that she feels like she's participating in the giving process as well (and not always on the receiving end). I really have felt like Christmas is so much more fun with a child in the house. In college and even after my hubby and I first got married, it was nice but it wasn't the way I remembered Christmas. Children really make the holidays special.

She's getting some pretty high-end gifts this year, some of which I didn't get until I was in high school, for heaven's sake! I've told her daddy that, as times change, we'll get broker and broker with each holiday and birthday. One day, she's going to ask for a computer or a laptop and I'm sure she'll come to us with a, "Mommy, Daddy, can I have a cell phone?" These are items that would never have entered my parent's minds as potential gifts, but they are very much a reality and a near necessity in this day and age. It's nuts! I hope that she will also reach a point where the giving becomes more important to her than the receiving. That feeling brings it's own, personal specialness to it.

I'm anxious to see how Christmas will change with, not just one child but two. Will they enjoy each other at Christmas? Will they share their joy? Will the big sister make sure the little one finds happiness in what she has? I'm anxious to also see if this Christmas brings me the joy of two children...who knows! It could happen!

An Outpouring of Love

Yesterday, I got the last (or at least I think it's the last) of my baby shower gifts. Donations were coming in from all over the country for a gift card and our exec. admin presented it to me, just before I went home last night. Amazing! Men and women, all showing how much they appreciate me. I felt like crying (yeah, so what else is new). The amount came in at $155...this on top of the other 5 or 6 gift cards that came in the mail for $10 or $20. Hubby was very pleased and said we'd go ahead and pick up the crib mattress, when he gets back. I'm thinking it could be the mattress and the shelf. As of right now, there's a room full of baby clothes with no where to put them. Of course, there's also a crib with no mattress. Both will need to be purchased, regardless.

Last night when I talked to hubby, the first thing he said after hello was, "I miss you." Oh, those words meant so much! Of course, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I just hope he remembers how much he misses me (us) when he gets back. It's different when you're a state away, but then (from my perspective) not so different when you work the kind of hours he works. We talked more and he really struggled to get off the phone with me. I could tell he was tired and nearly asleep, but he kept telling me he wanted to talk. He told me about all the tests he's taken and how the day was so draining, but how he was looking forward to coming home. His passion for this "mission" has diminished a lot and his voice told me more than his words. I think he feels our relationship will shift again if he has to go and he's right. You can't live without your spouse for four months without some sort of shift. It's inevitable. The change could be positive or negative and there lies the fear.

For me, it's the idea that he will find happiness in his solitude and decide that independence is more for him than married life. For him, he believes someone will "snatch me up," which I think is utterly ridiculous, but it is a valid fear for him. Ugh! Why can't you get a road map for life? All these twists and turns we're taking...I hope we're actually getting somewhere.

Aside from my heart-to-heart with hubby, I watched the Billboard awards last night. What a cat raggedy mess that was! I can't believe how boring! In fact, at the end of the show when the cameras went around to those who had attended, they literally had a, "Is that it?" look on their faces. And not just one or two people, but everybody that appeared in the camera pan. My coworker and I talked about the crappiness of the show and we agreed on one very crucial point: Mariah Carey is a skank and way too old to be as skanky as she is. Geesh! She could barely walk in her dress. In fact, she looked like a sausage stuffed into sequence. WTH was she thinking? If you have obvious talent, is it really necessary to parade around naked? I guess I just wouldn't fit well into the "Biz" world. The picture I've linked to isn't as bad as how she looked shuffling onto the MGM stage, last night.

We've had some really freaky weather as of late here. It snowed like crazy last night, but it was 11 degrees outside. Normally, you can't get any sort of moisture with a temperature like that, but we got dumped. Some areas got over 100 inches! I had about 4 fresh inches in my yard, when I finally got home (which was two hours from the time I left work). Everyone was driving 20mph or less on the highway. What a nightmare! Thankfully, the sun came out today but the temps are still really cold. We're 30 degrees below our norm. I hope we can last through this crazy winter (oh wait, it isn't winter yet, is it? Yikes!).

Tag, You're it!

Can we shift gears and add a little happiness to my site? I've been such a downer, lately:

10 Years Ago- 1995, wow. I was a Junior in college...preparing for the winter break to be spent out here (in Utah) with my mother. I was spending a lot of time in workshops and training in Nashville, preparing to bring our chapter off of probation. I remember feeling a lot of pressure because we were so busy in Delta, I was writing papers all the time (because I was deep in my major, by this point) and my social life was actually hopping (even though I was still single).

5 Years Ago- Winter of 2000 was tough. I was doing everything in my power to get out of my current job, not because I didn't like what I was doing, but I couldn't stand my supervisor. She was a bitch on wheels who expected everyone to bow down and kiss her feet. I refused, so she gave me much grief. My little one was four months old and (knowing what I know now) I should have just calmed down. A new, better job was just on the horizon.

1 Year Ago- We were in the midst of interviewing potential candidates as a "clone" for me. I was so happy! I'd been the lone ranger for so long without help and was so overwhelmed that the idea of a body to take on some of my drama was like an early Christmas present! She's been great! Now, we're doing it all over again.

Yesterday- I went to church, ate breakfast with the babe at Home Town Buffet, went to Wally world, came hope and took a nap. Got up, watched Ali (I know, I'm behind) then worked on Christmas presents with the babe. Talked to hubby a few times throughout the day.

5 snacks I enjoy- pineapples (rings not chunks), cup-a-soup, cheetos, strawberry shortcake parfaits, sorbet.

5 bands to which I know most of the lyrics to most of their songs- Tony Toni Tone, Intro, Sade (Yes! I know it's her name, but it's also the name of her band), Mint Condition, Huey Lewis and the News (Oh, it's so sad). LOL!

5 Things I’d do with $100 million dollars- Tithe, pay off my house, pay off my hubby's car, pay for hubby's school, finish my masters, invest for more (to pay for the girls' college education and by my mother a house and such).

5 locations I’d run away to- Florence, Paris, Maui, US Virgin Islands, and Fiji

5 bad habits I have- Correcting my hubby's grammar, over analyzing everything, shutting down and avoiding the pink elephant in the room, not expressing my feelings (much better at this with the prego hormones...I tell it all!), picking the skin off my lips when I'm nervous (I know...so gross).

5 things I like to do- listen to music, write, eat, dance and have buck-naked, wild sex with my hubby (TMI? So, sorry but it's the truth). LOL

5 things I would never wear- a cut-off halter (Oh, Lord! Can we say, "muffin tops"? Yuck!), a platinum (or any other metal) grill, pastel make-up, ugly shoes, and shoulder pads.

5 TV shows I like- Family Guy, That 70's Show, Lost, Made in America (Hey, there's some cool stuff on this show!), Bernie Mac

5 movies I like- The Matrix Trilogy, Jane Eyre, Predator, Blade, Carrie (and the list goes on and is HUGE).

5 Famous people I’d like to meet- Morgan Freeman, President Bush (if only to tell him what an idiot he is), Dave Chappelle, Oprah Winfrey, and Bill Cosby.

5 biggest joys at the moment- My eldest daughter (whose name means "flower" in Arabic), my unborn daughter (whose name means "of great success" in Arabic), my husband (even though he's driving me batty at the present), looking at the snow covered, wasatch mountains on a clear day, feeling loved by everyone around me.