Changing My Focus

Hubby was home the entire weekend and I was glad he was here, but he seems set on being gone tonight. It's been hard for both of us and the babe. We're doing our best to answer her questions and alleviate her fears. She's been asking why daddy is still at home, which is interesting. I think she'd found some sort of acceptance (I guess that's good).

I have to say, I'm really glad September is almost over (the month of change). Usually, it's a tough month for me...although, last year wasn't so bad. This year has been a pip! (do people still say that?) We're also in the midst of a retrograde, if you believe in the chaos of those...don't sign any contracts or make any major plans. Things will be weird (communication wise) for the next few weeks. Nice to come off of September with more drama, eh?

I've been trying to move myself into the spirit of the season by digging out my favorite horror flicks. So far, I've re watched Maximum Overdrive, Rosemary's Baby, Prom Night, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Lost Boys, and Christine. I have so many that I thought getting them in on the tail-end of September was best. I'm so OCD, even about movies. What's my deal?!

Finally, I've been training with hubby for several weeks now. Although, I feel stronger better (even tighter), I'm not dropping the weight I'd like to. I know I have to eat more calories to feed my muscles, but I'm just not happy with the number. I know...OCD to the max! So, I'm going to mix and match; combine hubby's training with my diet strategies. I think that will do the trick. My new goal is to get these pesky pounds off by the holidays. I won't give the magic number here, but I'll keep track on the other site as best I can (I've been doing pretty well this month. Actually, much better than I thought I could). I think if I have something tangible to focus on, I'll be able to cope with his not being around a little bit better. I suppose I should reset my goals list on the other site (I'll do that today).

My Hubby is Still Here

First, it was suppose to be Tuesday. Then, he stayed. Then he said, Wednesday. He stayed again. Last night, he called and asked if he could stay. Why does he ask? Of course I want him here. He says, "It's still the situation we're in and I should be respectful and ask." I suppose. It's all very weird. He did take some stuff over to the other place with the babe the other night. I'm happy he's around. I hope we can work this out without his leaving. The impending doom of his departure seems to have put a new perspective on things. We speak differently to each other, we handle things differently. I guess he knows what he's doing.

On a happier note, we're going to the circus with the girls this Saturday. I'm to meet him in town (since he'll just be getting off work) with the girls. Then, we'll park his car and take mine to the event center. Then, will sashay over and hang out with the elephants and clowns for a couple of hours. It's my daughters' first circus...I hope they like it.

One More Day

Hubby moves out tomorrow. I'm still in a bit of shock around all this. We told the babe and she took it just as I suspected she would. She was very sad and her questions were centered on the exact same things I'm worried about. He would say, "I'll be back to shovel snow, " and she'd totally freak out. It's the time frame in which (I guess in his mind) he sees himself away from us. Then, she wondered how often he'd be around. I've wondered that myself, even though he says he'll be here to see the kids. We'll he be here to see me too?

Time to Tell

Today's the day we break the news to the babe. I told hubby that we have to have a "happy" place planned for after, so that she understands that we still love her, we're still a family and we want to try and make things better. Hubby seems really nervous, as am I. She's such a sensitive soul and I hate to see her truly saddened. I don't know how this is going to go, but I'm hopeful that she'll understand how important this is, ultimately.

He "moves out" on Tuesday and it still seems a bit surreal. This isn't public knowledge. We're not telling our families and we're trying to keep this as private as possible (save this blog and his, if he's writing about it). I'm going to try my best for a good weekend, despite what's ahead next week.

I Did What I Said

So, it's in God's hands. I've come to peace with it. We're not separating legally (too much drama and heartache...especially since the goal is to work things out). I think hubby had a nervous breakdown reading up on all the paperwork that's involved, if you got through the process legally. His hang-up was that I would feel cheated or something out of support for the children. Let me just clear this up for any and all; my hubby is not a dead-beat dad. He's been in their lives from the very beginning and they are his life. I assured him quick and in a hurry that I would never accuse him of not taking care of them, or of him trying to "get one over" on me.

There's still a lot of love between us and it's very strong, but we're just not dealing with each other well on a one-to-one basis. I can respect his position and try this strategy in hopes that we can come back together as a better couple. He even asked if he could ask me out on dates (which I thought was very sweet). It's hard, but I'm hoping for the best. There isn't a set day on when he's moving out, but I know my life will be forever changed when he does. I miss him already.

September...the Month of Change

I'm cray busy (we've been interviewing for the vacant spot in my department for the last two days) and now I'm behind with my regular work. I shouldn't be blogging, for that matter, but I thought I would post information about my personal life here...for future reference or for whenever I need to look back at my life and shake my head. Things are not improving at home. Hubby is sleeping downstairs and I can't even bear to talk to him. I try, but I always get choked up and can't say much. Is this really happening? Every night before bed, I think that. I truly need to just give this to God because there's nothing else I can do. If this is to be the situation for my life, then I guess I'd better accept it.

The Room is Spinning

The room in my head, anyway. The weekend would have been nice, relaxingly and restful had I not been worrying about my marriage again. Hubby went off with the boys on Friday night to clear his head. When he came back, he informed me that he now finds a lot of clarity in his time away from me. Before, all he could think of was getting back home to me. He was very snippy and sleeping a lot Saturday. Finally, I asked him if he needed another day "away". I told him I understood, but it still hurt. He decided to take me up on my offer and disappeared with friends again.

I stayed up and watched a movie until around 11:30pm, then I texted him that I loved him and I wanted him to be safe. I didn't sleep well...two evenings in a row.

Sunday morning, he called at 7:00 and in his tone, it sounded as if he missed me. I went to church and was so excited to get home to see him. I thought, surely, he's figured out what he needs and all will be well. When I got home, we all napped and napped. (Those sleepless nights will make you do that, you know.) When we woke up, he informed me that he'd made his decision. That it was a decision he had been afraid to make, but knew that we probably should. He said that love has never been our problem, but that we're two different people now from when we started. Who knows how it happened, but he was unhappy that we fuss all the time now. He was despondent about being more "colorful" about his metaphors lately and he was heartbroken at how impatient he has become. I understood everything he was saying. With each word, I felt a little more hollow because I knew what was coming.

So, I'm still not sure what's happening. We didn't sleep well last night (the air conditioner is on the fritz. Ugh! We just bought that sucker last year, what's the deal?!). This morning, we talked briefly but I didn't want to get into logistics (truthfully, I'm afraid to). That's all he seems to want to talk about, but then he admitted last night that he doesn't. He just doesn't know what to talk about.

How will I explain this to the babe? She's so sensitive and everything seems to effect her. I think school, gym and dance will probably suffer. Not because she won't be interested, but because her family is falling apart. I suppose it is good that we are parents that still love each other and we're not trying to split up the kids and everything. The one thing I told hubby was that I was respecting his decision. This is certainly not what I want. I believe that, even though we've become different people, we could learn to get along again. We would just have to work at it and I believe our relationship is worth it. I also told him that I wouldn't pressure him that way. If he feels this is what we should do, than I respect that. I've been sort of numb the past few days.

Today, I'm numb and all over the place today (I have to go into the office, and that's throwing me for a loop). I'm so OCD and it throws me off when things are altered, even a little bit. We have interviews back-to-back over the next two days. I guess that's one stressor I won't have, once we finally have someone hired. I wish I could wave a wand and, not only would the interviewing be done, but the training as well. The training is going to put us so behind.

More Reading

I'm actually quite proud of myself and all the reading I've been doing lately. It wasn't so long ago that I balanced at least 7 novels a week, wrote short stories (while critiquing others) and cranked out weekly papers. Ah, those were the days. The first novel (the one everyone else has already read except me, Twilight), was a quick read. I had it done in about four days. Not bad, considering all of the interruptions. I moved onto New Moon late last week and have almost completed that novel. It's a well done series and I have a feeling I won't be able to keep the Babe out of the loop for much longer. She's intrigued and wants to see the movie with me this December. I guess I'll be re-reading these suckers out loud, before too long.

Speaking of the Babe, she began her Hip-Hop competition class last night. Unfortunately, her teacher wasn't there and she had a sub. After warming up (based on what the Babe told me) the teacher taught them a little dance, then said, "I have no idea what to do with you guys now." So, they played freeze dance and the Babe won a dollar. Okay...things have changed a bit since I was in dance.

When we were driving home, she told me that the teacher said she might have a "solo dance" this year. She wondered what that meant. I explained that it meant dancing alone, at least through part of the class performance. I assured her that she was "good" and didn't need to worry about it. "Besides," I said, "You love to dance." She agreed. I'm a little anxious to see schedules and such, now. I have a feeling my car is going to get quite the workout, traipsing her around to all the competitions and such. I think she's going to love it, but I also think my lazy weekends are going to die soon. So, sad.

We're hiring a replacement for the lady who quit in my department. I'm overly anxious about this, too (I need to chilax, I know). I just want to be sure we get somebody competent, reliable and friendly (with an upbeat spirit). J was/is a nice lady, but she could be a real downer a lot of the time. It sometimes made going into work unpleasant. I have a feeling my coworker feels the same way, but I'd never ask him out right. He's sort of shy and I think I scare him a bit. I'm usually just happy when he comes over to chat.

There's a crisp in the air here, now. We had a storm that dropped our temps from the upper 90s to the high 50's last weekend. Is it really time for fall?! I'm ready for the leaves to change and for the autumn smell to really pick up. It's one of my favorite times of the year. Now, if I can just keep myself from getting sick, I'll be a happy girl.

From Sandwiches and Pasta to Food (formerly) with a Pulse

I went on a much needed date with Hubby on Saturday night. First, we went to one of my favorite restaurants, Cafe Trang. They just opened a location in our neighborhood and, I gotta tell yah, the best lo mein noodles ever! I don't know what they do, but I don't know if I could ever duplicate the recipe. I was in heaven! Of course, the lack of carbs made the meal extra tasty.

After a wonderful meal and pleasant conversation, hubby and I went to the movies. Finally, finally, finally, we saw the Dar.k Knight. It was as fabulous as everyone is saying it is. For the first time, hubby and I talked in depth about the movie after watching it. Most times, he's not one for movie talk after the movie, but Saturday, he had lots to say. It was a refreshing change and quite welcomed.

Sunday, we spent the day at my mother's BBQing for Labor Day (better to do it Sunday and have Monday to rest, our philosophy). My mother has been dealing with nerve trouble, so I ended up cooking and grilling all the goods. Then (and I don't know how this happened), I ended up cleaning the entire kitchen, while hubby slept on the couch. I was none too happy about that scenario; however, he made up for it by making me a cocktail when we got home.

Monday, I rested and hung out with the girls. The Babe was extra cheeky and was pushing my patience more than a little bit. When hubby got home, we worked out and then I went to the store to pick up a few items to cook for dinner. It was a nice break from the kids, but I always feel so guilty leaving them (even with their father).

Here's the latest issue: I'm trapped in my life again. I hate the way it feels and there seems no end to the stress of it. Hubby (after waking me in the middle of the night) offered to take the kids while I went away. He does this all the time (gets away for adventures alone or with friends, without me and the kids), but I have only done this once and it wasn't over night. It was hubby's birthday present to me when I turned 28...yeah, it's been a while. I suppose I would have done this more often, if not for the guilt. I have a tremendous amount of guilt around it and it's so frustrating. I suppose I sound a bit like a crazy person, but it's true. His offered sounded lovely on the surface, then the pangs rose up in me...telling me that I was a child deserter and that I shouldn't be so selfish. I don't know how to get past those feelings.

In the same vein, hubby and I have been arguing quite a bit and I'm sure that it has to do with my current state of mind. I've been snippy and not as "friendly" as I normally am or would like to be. I can't help but think that my current meal plan and the fact that Aunt Flo is on the way is making things any better. Still, I do notice that I devote everything I have to everyone else. I finished my book (Twilight), but it took an amazing amount of effort. Since when is reading a book that difficult? It seems someone is always in need of my time. Again, I'm happy to offer it but logic tells me that it isn't healthy to sacrifice myself in the process. I hope I can keep my sanity a bit longer. I'm beginning to feel it slip through my fingers.

Oh, and as for the eating, the menu has been tweaked a bit. If you're at all curious about what it is I'm eating (mostly items that at one time had a pulse), check out the other site.