So Much Going on Inside

Hubby and I are going through a rough patch, currently. We have a small flame burning that seems to enrage with the slightest issue, mistake or wrong word spoken. Currently, the flame is down to smoldering embers, but you never know when it will turn into a full-fledged rager.

We've both been on edge majorly...he, because of his non-stop work schedule. Me, because of my work and constant attention given to my girls. It's starting to wear me out and I keep thinking, "I need a break for me," but it just hasn't happened yet. I seem to remember feeling the same way not long after my eldest was born. This overwhelming feeling of being trapped that just pushed down on me (and being a touch claustrophobic doesn't help matters). There's also an amazing amount of guilt wrapped up in all of this; not wanting to leave my kids with relatives or strangers because if it's a lot of work for me, surely it's a lot of work for them. Babysitting is only so long, then you have to come home and take care of the children again. Besides, I could use that money for so many other things. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls...It's just I'm feeling a bit trapped in my life and need a change. Can't see how that's going to happen anytime soon. My reaction? Throwing flame throwers of frustration at my hubby. Not good.

So, to make matters more interesting, he's going on a work trip next week (his flight leaves this Saturday morning) and he'll be gone for seven days. Seven days...that will be the longest time we've ever spent apart. On his trips to Vegas, he's only ever been gone (the longest) three days...and that was only because he couldn't stand to be away from us and came home. He was supposed to be gone four days. This time, there's no coming home early from this trip. It's not a six hour drive and a couple of hundred miles, it's 1600 miles and a 5 hour flight.

The break will do us good, but it also has me a bit paranoid. His last girlfriend lives in that city and (I believe) she still holds a torch for him. With everything that's going on here, she may seem quite appealing. Someone who isn't throwing napalm at him at nearly every waking moment and would do anything to get him? Like I said...paranoid. I don't know if he'll try to contact her, but I wouldn't be surprised. They are still "friends" and I'm sure he'll try and see as many friends as he can, while he's there. It's been four or five years since his last trip there, after all and last time, he was only there two days.

Meanwhile, it's me and the girls...but it's always me and the girls. I've been planning a playdate for the eldest and trying to figure out what else we can do to make the time pass a bit more quickly. If I can get the little one sleepy enough before we go, perhaps a movie at the theaters? (Amazing...I can't even remember the last time I went - and this from someone who used to go one or two times each weekend). Dinner out at a real restaurant (not a cattle-call buffet or fast-food) and a chance for the eldest to put those manners to work. A skating night on Tuesday, perhaps and possibly another playdate next week. Those will be their distractions and my putting my focus into them? Mine. I hope it works.

In other news, Mother's day was nice. Hubby gave me a spa certificate for a massage, made me a crab dinner and washed my car. The babe made me a really cute book in school, which is now proudly displayed on my desk at work. It was a nice day, but it ended on sort of sour note when I happened to ask my hubby questions about his mom. A touchy subject it seems, since he got all bent out of shape about it and clammed up. Well, I guess I'll keep my questions to myself (he hates when I don't talk to him, but damn. I can't walk on eggshells, can I?).