Let's Watch a Bad Day Get Progressively Worse

Yesterday was the first day my hubby started with his overtime, but before that, he had to go in for his last shift. This means that he worked from 6:00 am to 2:00 pm, had a bit of a break and then a nap, then had to be into work by 10:00 pm, in order to work until 6:00 am. Insane, I know. So, I'm all depressed about being without my hubby. I came to work with that on my mind and called him at around 9ish. He was busy and said he'd call me back. He didn't until much later, when he was making his way home. It seems there were a couple of fights and he had to stay late to make sure things were under control. We chatted for a few minutes, then he had to go.

Later, he calls and says that there's a message for me at home from my doctor's office, asking me to call back about my quad screen test results (blood test). So, I try and try but to no avail. The voice messaging keeps picking up at the office, while I'm freaking out about what could possibly be wrong with me. Finally at around 3ish, (after trying for about half an hour), the nurse tells me that I showed Down Syndrome in my test results. At first, I wasn't sure what to say. I remained calm and answered her questions about my insurance. Then she said that she would schedule me for a perinatology visit at the hospital. I call my hubby back to tell him, remembering a friend who had had the same test and indicated that there were many false positives. I still tried to remain positive and told him not to worry and to go to sleep. We hung up and I got back to work.

My drive was filled with thoughts: What if I did have a "special needs" baby? I know I will love my child no matter what. Children are gifts from God and God makes no mistakes; however, how do we handle the expenses,when we barely make ends meet as it is? What kind of test is God posing on me? Why is all of this happening now? I was beginning to come apart.

I reached the daycare, only to find that my oldest had spent the day out-of-control. Not listening, being loud and doing whatever she wanted on her field trip to the Planetarium. I told her she was grounded for the night and I was so disappointed in her. She was pretty quiet most of the ride home. More time for me to meditate on everything and start stressing all over again.

We arrive home and I have the babe work on practicing her letters while I make our dinner. She finishes and I have a seat on the couch to eat while she plays in the playroom. Later, I made my way downstairs to pacify my stress and research the quad screens and get more information about what I may be dealing with. The babe comes down later, realizing she's all alone upstairs (despite a sleeping father) and wants to be with her mom. I'm plugging along on the computer when, all of a sudden, yahoo messenger pops up with someone exiting a friend list (not mine).

I removed messenger from our computer a year ago because of all the viruses it brings. My hubby saw fit to reinstall it, I guess, and add a list of the most obscene screen names. I checked profiles and found that most of them were sex crazed or worse. I tried to get into email and ended up in his, finding messages from strange people, exchanging the most perverse information with my husband. I was mortified! With everything else going on (my research on down syndrome anchored at the bottom of my screen, while filth starred at me), I started to cry. My daughter became scared and kept asking what was wrong. I tried to reassure her then, I took her upstairs and fell apart in the bathroom.

Of course, she told her dad that mom was in the bathroom crying and she couldn't get in. I didn't mean to fall apart in front of her. I couldn't even talk. How do you tell your five year old that mommy is sad because daddy has been dishonest? I had no words. My husband tried to get me to come out of the bathroom and once I gained my composure, I did emerge.

The next couple of hours were awful. He took blame, as well he should, while I conveyed to him my hurt and anger. My trust for him is gone and I always treasured that this was so strong in our relationship. After a while, I had no more words and he talked to me as he got ready for work. I prayed and fell asleep in mid prayer. Somehow, I rested without interruption.This morning, I typed him a two page letter of how I felt and my conditions, since I feel you can't throw away nearly 9 years of a relationship.

The phone rang as we were getting ready to leave for school and work. I didn't answer. I knew it was him and I didn't want to get caught up talking and be late. I rode to school with Zaura, watching the sun rise and marveling at how beautiful everything was, even though I felt so bad. After our 30 minute commute, I turned into the daycare parking lot to see my husband's car parked out front. We walked the little one in then sat in his car to talk. I could tell he'd been crying and he looked nearly as bad as I did. I spoke first, telling him what I'd written in my letter. He was in agreement and said he would do whatever he needed to do to regain my trust. Then, he talked, saying over and over again how wrong it was of him, but that he also needed to seek out help (since he didn't seem to be able to overcome this alone). Of course, that was also one of my conditions and I am totally standing firm to that. I sincerely can't do this again.

I've never dealt with infidelity on a cyber level before (my father cheated on my mother, but that was a flesh and blood mistake). I'm not sure how to deal with this. He hasn't physically touched anyone (and he confessed everything last night, so I know he hasn't) but there were a lot of things said in these messages that just floored me. I had no idea he had those kinds of thoughts. I knew he had a freaky side and I think I would have been fine with him expressing it with me, but with strangers and online? I don't know. I do, however, feel strong in my conviction that this is wrong and that something needs to be done, in order to salvage our relationship. I do love him and I know that he loves me, but you absolutely must have trust. Now, with this and the possibility of having a special needs child, I need prayers more than ever.