My hubby came back from Idaho, yesterday. I missed him so much, even though it was only two days. This was his "personal discovery" retreat...a necessary diversion, in order for him to find time away and think clearly about his life and our lives together. He wasn't supposed to call, except to let me know he had gotten there safely, but he had a hard time and (I must admit) I was having a hard time without him. To hear from him was a joy and he had not been able to sleep until we talked. We spoke to each other early Saturday morning and late Saturday evening. Then, he called me on his drive home Sunday. This is a total famine of calls, where my husband is concerned.
I've only been to "potato country" once and that was just to buy a lottery ticket. We went to Malad, Idaho where there was absolutely nothing worth seeing. I was so ready to come home that I didn't think I'd ever step foot in the state again. Hubby, on the other hand, saw a different area and thought it to be tranquil, peaceful and beautiful. He raved about the Idaho State University campus and the surrounding areas. He said, "It's a typical college town and the people are so laid back." Sounds a bit like us, but I still need convincing. He also went on about the cost of housing and how, if we moved there, I could take a year off to be with the kids (if I wanted to). He also said to this, "I believe a year is about all you could stand, honey." Lord knows he's right about that! Especially since I wouldn't know anyone and it would be me, a five year-old and a newborn hanging out. I need adult stimulation on a regular basis...I'm only so maternal! Anyway, he was gone from Friday afternoon to 11ish Sunday morning and he said that he was truly ready to come home.
We talked and talked and talked and he seems much more clear headed than before he left. I'm really proud of him taking a stand to work on the foundation of our relationship. He seems more open and fluid. I'm very optimistic.
Tomorrow, we're having a "Grazing Pot-luck" here at work. This just means you bring your dish in and work on it all day long. I'm going to blow up like a Macey's Day float if I'm not careful. These folks love to eat around here. I, of course, am not helping the situation by bringing my all-famous, Chocolate Kahlua cake (which I can't eat...too sweet). Wednesday, I'm taking off for my orientation with my daughter's teacher (omigosh!), my ultrasound and our dentists appointments. I'm sure this technician will say I'm having a girl too, but wouldn't it be crazy if she sees something different? I keep running that scenario through my mind. We've been milling over girl names for the past week and to all of a sudden have to detour would be weird. I'm sure the first ultrasound was accurate, but what if...
Monday, August 29, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Happy, Healthy, Active Baby (Phew!)
I went to my emergency ultrasound yesterday. It was kind of a rough morning, since hubby had already been awake 24 hours (he left work at around 2 am or so and crashed when he got home, so he got a few hours); however, waking him up was tough. Finally, I had to start threatening to leave him if he didn't get up. That got him moving.
We hit the road and headed to the hospital, where I've never been before. I got a little lost, then (with Hubby's help) figured out where I needed to be. I felt really dumb when all the signs I'd been looking for, all of a sudden appeared when he started to help. We parked and headed inside the massive building. The landscaping is breathtaking! Lots of flowers and small, very Asian waterfalls. We took the elevator to the fourth floor and I preceded to fill out paperwork and more paperwork. I also let them know that I'd drank 32 ounces of water before getting there (even though no one told me to, but I wanted to be safe). They let me know that I was far enough along that I didn't need to, so they pointed me in the direction of the nearest ladies room (thank God!).
After I emerged, the technician saw us in and asked me to get on the the table/bed. She slathered my belly in goo and started the ultrasound process. The baby was beautiful, no matter what anyone else thought. I could see the large eye sockets and new that this one would also have the saucer-eyes that are so prevalent in my family. My daughter's eyes are gorgeous! Anyway, the technician is taking all sorts of measurements and showing all the cute baby parts (meanwhile, the DVD is recording everything. I was very happy about this). Then, Jean (the technician says, "Do you know what the baby is, yet?"
"Nope," I say.
"Do you want to know?"
"Heck, yeah!"
So, with a little maneuvering and shifting of my belly, she gets a picture of the baby's little bum. Before she says a word, I see the "golden arches" and know for myself. It's a girl! She confirms my thoughts aloud. Well, hubby is thrilled (cause he's done the "girl" thing before and knows what to do). My daughter seems happy too, now referring to the baby as her baby sister. It was good news, but the terrific news was when Jean said, "Everything looks great to me," words I've needed to hear for two weeks.
Next, the counselor comes in and tells us about the stats and that I rank 1 out of 250 to have a baby with Down's syndrome. Then he says that, based on all the measurements they've taken for the ultrasound, I have a 99.8% chance of having a perfect child. Hallelujah! My heart is at ease and I thank the counselor over and over again. He says, if I need the validty, I can have an amnio and I was like, "You know, for a .2 percent piece of info, I think I'll forgo the big scary needle and risk of miscarriage, thank you very much." He seemed to agree. The Maternal Fetal doctor (Doctor Andres) came in and talked to us a bit after the counselor left and he confirmed everything. Then he let us know that there is more of a chance that a baby is born with birth defects than Down's...1 in 30, to be accurate. I couldn't believe it! I'd never heard those numbers before. Women are more likely to have children with birth defects than a child with Down's.
After the visit, we leave the exam room and we head of out the hospital. I spent the rest of the day at home and had lovely Chinese for lunch and dinner (I ended up working four hours from home yesterday afternoon). I got a lot more done than I thought I would. Hubby worked out, then came home and crashed for an hour or two. We talked baby names for a bit but, we have nothing concrete yet.
Today has been a really good day, simply because I have the peace of mind I've needed for so long. I feel so much better and am anxiously awaiting the day when I can meet my next baby girl, who will hopefully be happy and healthy.
We hit the road and headed to the hospital, where I've never been before. I got a little lost, then (with Hubby's help) figured out where I needed to be. I felt really dumb when all the signs I'd been looking for, all of a sudden appeared when he started to help. We parked and headed inside the massive building. The landscaping is breathtaking! Lots of flowers and small, very Asian waterfalls. We took the elevator to the fourth floor and I preceded to fill out paperwork and more paperwork. I also let them know that I'd drank 32 ounces of water before getting there (even though no one told me to, but I wanted to be safe). They let me know that I was far enough along that I didn't need to, so they pointed me in the direction of the nearest ladies room (thank God!).
After I emerged, the technician saw us in and asked me to get on the the table/bed. She slathered my belly in goo and started the ultrasound process. The baby was beautiful, no matter what anyone else thought. I could see the large eye sockets and new that this one would also have the saucer-eyes that are so prevalent in my family. My daughter's eyes are gorgeous! Anyway, the technician is taking all sorts of measurements and showing all the cute baby parts (meanwhile, the DVD is recording everything. I was very happy about this). Then, Jean (the technician says, "Do you know what the baby is, yet?"
"Nope," I say.
"Do you want to know?"
"Heck, yeah!"
So, with a little maneuvering and shifting of my belly, she gets a picture of the baby's little bum. Before she says a word, I see the "golden arches" and know for myself. It's a girl! She confirms my thoughts aloud. Well, hubby is thrilled (cause he's done the "girl" thing before and knows what to do). My daughter seems happy too, now referring to the baby as her baby sister. It was good news, but the terrific news was when Jean said, "Everything looks great to me," words I've needed to hear for two weeks.
Next, the counselor comes in and tells us about the stats and that I rank 1 out of 250 to have a baby with Down's syndrome. Then he says that, based on all the measurements they've taken for the ultrasound, I have a 99.8% chance of having a perfect child. Hallelujah! My heart is at ease and I thank the counselor over and over again. He says, if I need the validty, I can have an amnio and I was like, "You know, for a .2 percent piece of info, I think I'll forgo the big scary needle and risk of miscarriage, thank you very much." He seemed to agree. The Maternal Fetal doctor (Doctor Andres) came in and talked to us a bit after the counselor left and he confirmed everything. Then he let us know that there is more of a chance that a baby is born with birth defects than Down's...1 in 30, to be accurate. I couldn't believe it! I'd never heard those numbers before. Women are more likely to have children with birth defects than a child with Down's.
After the visit, we leave the exam room and we head of out the hospital. I spent the rest of the day at home and had lovely Chinese for lunch and dinner (I ended up working four hours from home yesterday afternoon). I got a lot more done than I thought I would. Hubby worked out, then came home and crashed for an hour or two. We talked baby names for a bit but, we have nothing concrete yet.
Today has been a really good day, simply because I have the peace of mind I've needed for so long. I feel so much better and am anxiously awaiting the day when I can meet my next baby girl, who will hopefully be happy and healthy.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Paranoia is Creepin' Up on You
Or me, anyway. I'm still questioning and questioning and questioning. I had another long discussion with hubby and basically told him that the wishy-washy shit has got to end. It's just too emotionally draining to deal with, right now. It's either, "My wife is enough for me," or "My wife isn't enough for me." I'm not saying that things are that black and white, but this one is pretty clear cut. For me, it would be easy. I can know that I would do whatever I needed to do to keep my relationship going. That's just the way that I am. I was never one who did well in casual relationships. I was at my best when it was one-on-one and we had what we wanted and there was complete monogamy. I don't think it's too much to ask for after nearly nine years together (oh, and for those of you who haven't kept up, we will have been together nine years in January and married eight years in April). Every year, month, day, minute and second counts. (I suppose I'm becoming pretty transparent, here...about the type of person I am, anyway).
Dragging things out is no fun and if this is going to end (heaven forbid!), I need to know so that I can grieve, heal or whatever.
(He just called again).
He's set up a time to meet with someone. I can't express how relieved I am to hear this! It's the step I needed...knowing that he wanted to work things out and regain my trust. It was so important that he stop putting it off and start acting. Actions are the only things that will rebuild trust. (Sorry, "good intentions", that's just the way it is). The next steps will be follow-up to see how the sessions are going and if he's feeling like progress is being made. It's all so complicated...you know, life and stuff.
Dragging things out is no fun and if this is going to end (heaven forbid!), I need to know so that I can grieve, heal or whatever.
(He just called again).
He's set up a time to meet with someone. I can't express how relieved I am to hear this! It's the step I needed...knowing that he wanted to work things out and regain my trust. It was so important that he stop putting it off and start acting. Actions are the only things that will rebuild trust. (Sorry, "good intentions", that's just the way it is). The next steps will be follow-up to see how the sessions are going and if he's feeling like progress is being made. It's all so complicated...you know, life and stuff.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Massages, Sleeping in and Family Time
Thursday evenings massage was exquisite! The table didn't have a hole, but it did have a foam rubber substance (covered by many warm towels) with a hole and a place for mama's ample bossom. Climbing onto the table was more of a challenge and I probably should ask for a step stool, next time. The massage always begins with working from the top of the back to the bottom. Then, they work on one side of the body, then the other. Afterwards, they ask you to turn over (discreetly covered, since most people are stark naked, including myself) and they rub from the front. I was in heaven! I went home and hubby calls to say that he got a really good deal on a lobster and was having it steamed, along with some peel and eat shrimp for dinner.
The shrimp was great, but I've never been a big fan of lobster. I'd much rather have crab. It's much more tender and has a sweeter flavor, in my opinion. Anyway, the tail was tough and I could barely bite through it. I ended up giving my lobster to hubby, who
shared it with the dog. The next evening, I began watching an anime DVD we've had for a while, The Devil Lady: The Awakening, Part 1. Actually, I didn't know it was a part one, until I started watching. I thought it was an entire movie. Now, I'm hooked and of course, I'll have to complete the series (there are six discs, I've discovered). It's a about a fashion model who discovers, by force, that she's also a demon beast and has been recruited to kill others like her. If you like anime (especially anime that's a bit on the dark side), you'll like this.
Saturday, I folded laundry (a week's worth), mopped the floors, and cleaned the bathrooms. I was totally wiped out from all of it. I don't know why I keep forgetting that I can't do as much as a prego, but I keep trying. My back was in agony and a head ache creeped in later in the day. Hubby came home and we all napped. It was nice, since I can't sleep with him in the evenings anymore. When we woke up, he made dinner (Talapia, stir-fried veggies and potatoes) and we all ate as a family.
Sunday, we went to church and heard the disturbing news about a former member, Thomas Herrion. They still don't know how or why he died, but in the coming weeks, toxicology reports will hopefully give some clue as to what was going on. It's such a shame when they go so young. My coworker had a friend parrish in the recent cave tragedy that happened last week. He was in his early twenties and had just begun to live his life. They're calling it the worst cave incident in the US in over eleven years. I, myself would have never stepped foot in that thing.
After church, the babe watched movies and played in her play-room, while her daddy and I had time together. We've been initmate, despite the problems and I hope that it isn't confusing matters. Actually, our intimacy has intensified and become more adventurous, yet I still wonder and question, and he's always quick to give reassurance and help with any questions I have. I'm still pushing for him to call a counseling center and he promises that he will (I will, however, continue to stay on him until there's proof that he's seeing someone). I worry, but I also keep the faith that he'll work hard to make things right with our relationship. This weekend, he's supposed to take some "time away" to think and get his head together. He has asked that I do the same thing on his next weekend off, while he keeps the babe. I'm nervous, but hope that this will be a way for both of us to re-establish the trust. He claims that it will be some remote area (like Idaho or Wymoing) where there's no outside influence to corrupt. We'll see. He has said that he will check in, so that we're not worried about him (and also, to put my mind at ease). He's still diliberating on whether he'll even do it. I told him that he should, so that he won't regret it later.
The shrimp was great, but I've never been a big fan of lobster. I'd much rather have crab. It's much more tender and has a sweeter flavor, in my opinion. Anyway, the tail was tough and I could barely bite through it. I ended up giving my lobster to hubby, who
shared it with the dog. The next evening, I began watching an anime DVD we've had for a while, The Devil Lady: The Awakening, Part 1. Actually, I didn't know it was a part one, until I started watching. I thought it was an entire movie. Now, I'm hooked and of course, I'll have to complete the series (there are six discs, I've discovered). It's a about a fashion model who discovers, by force, that she's also a demon beast and has been recruited to kill others like her. If you like anime (especially anime that's a bit on the dark side), you'll like this.Saturday, I folded laundry (a week's worth), mopped the floors, and cleaned the bathrooms. I was totally wiped out from all of it. I don't know why I keep forgetting that I can't do as much as a prego, but I keep trying. My back was in agony and a head ache creeped in later in the day. Hubby came home and we all napped. It was nice, since I can't sleep with him in the evenings anymore. When we woke up, he made dinner (Talapia, stir-fried veggies and potatoes) and we all ate as a family.
Sunday, we went to church and heard the disturbing news about a former member, Thomas Herrion. They still don't know how or why he died, but in the coming weeks, toxicology reports will hopefully give some clue as to what was going on. It's such a shame when they go so young. My coworker had a friend parrish in the recent cave tragedy that happened last week. He was in his early twenties and had just begun to live his life. They're calling it the worst cave incident in the US in over eleven years. I, myself would have never stepped foot in that thing.
After church, the babe watched movies and played in her play-room, while her daddy and I had time together. We've been initmate, despite the problems and I hope that it isn't confusing matters. Actually, our intimacy has intensified and become more adventurous, yet I still wonder and question, and he's always quick to give reassurance and help with any questions I have. I'm still pushing for him to call a counseling center and he promises that he will (I will, however, continue to stay on him until there's proof that he's seeing someone). I worry, but I also keep the faith that he'll work hard to make things right with our relationship. This weekend, he's supposed to take some "time away" to think and get his head together. He has asked that I do the same thing on his next weekend off, while he keeps the babe. I'm nervous, but hope that this will be a way for both of us to re-establish the trust. He claims that it will be some remote area (like Idaho or Wymoing) where there's no outside influence to corrupt. We'll see. He has said that he will check in, so that we're not worried about him (and also, to put my mind at ease). He's still diliberating on whether he'll even do it. I told him that he should, so that he won't regret it later.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
A Floater in the Pool
My hubby paid for the family to receive a membership at the newly built, local Aquatic Center. So, we ventured over and went swimming last night. The pools are amazing and the one my daughter ran to, instantly, was the pool with all of the aquatic equipment. There's even a waterslide and a lazy river within. There is also a hot tub but, unfortunately, I am not allowed in hot tubs.
So, we're swimming around, having the time of our lives when suddenly, all the lifeguards begin blowing their whistles in unison. We all emerge from the pool, disappointed and confused. No one seemed to know what was going on, until I found a parent who looked like he had a clue, "Someone pooped in the pool". Nice. How long would it take to correct this problem, oh and, ewwwww!!! We decided it was probably going to be a 24 hour issue, so we went back into the locker room, changed and headed out of there.
We went to Golden Corral for dinner, leaving hubby behind to finish his workout. It was a nice dinner and we were only there forty minutes. We returned to pick up hubby from the aquatic center then headed to the store to rent one of the many movies released on Tuesday. Hubby picked up Sin City. Spectacular! Wonderful! I was amazed and hope that they continue with the series. Other than the floater, nothing exciting happened. I will be getting a "mother 2 be" massage tonight, that I am too thrilled about. I really need it. My back has been giving me grief, lately. I hope they have the table with the hole in it. I'd love to lay on my stomach (so to speak) and be comfortable at the same time.
So, we're swimming around, having the time of our lives when suddenly, all the lifeguards begin blowing their whistles in unison. We all emerge from the pool, disappointed and confused. No one seemed to know what was going on, until I found a parent who looked like he had a clue, "Someone pooped in the pool". Nice. How long would it take to correct this problem, oh and, ewwwww!!! We decided it was probably going to be a 24 hour issue, so we went back into the locker room, changed and headed out of there.
We went to Golden Corral for dinner, leaving hubby behind to finish his workout. It was a nice dinner and we were only there forty minutes. We returned to pick up hubby from the aquatic center then headed to the store to rent one of the many movies released on Tuesday. Hubby picked up Sin City. Spectacular! Wonderful! I was amazed and hope that they continue with the series. Other than the floater, nothing exciting happened. I will be getting a "mother 2 be" massage tonight, that I am too thrilled about. I really need it. My back has been giving me grief, lately. I hope they have the table with the hole in it. I'd love to lay on my stomach (so to speak) and be comfortable at the same time.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Five Years Ago
I was in a hospital, probably asleep, dreaming about the day's events. I had just given birth to a beautiful, six-pound eleven-ounce chocolate morsel who was more beautiful to me than anything in life. She was ill, but I knew she would pull through.
I can't believe how time passes! This chocolate morsel will be starting school in a couple of weeks. Holy cow! The weekend was filled with birthday bliss for her. She had the party to end all parties and gifts galore. Then, today she asks me, "Are we going to do more party stuff today, mama?" I was thinking, "Are you kidding, kid??" Anyway, it's a very nostalgic day for me and one day, I will share the events with her.
My hubby and I had a long heart-to-heart yesterday and I really feel much better. He seems to as well. He was very honest and open and I think that is where it has to start. I would ask questions that I needed answers to and hoped he would answer, and he would without hesitation. I was happy that he opened up so freely and I asked him to keep this line of communication open or else what happened before would happen again. He is still going to seek out objective, professional help, but we made a lot of headway. I don't think I could have gotten through the rest of the week without our talk.
I got my hair done Friday night. It took her an hour less than she quoted me (5 hours). My butt and back were in agony, but my hair looks good. I haven't had anyone take pictures of it yet, but I will. I may even be brave enough to add them to the blog! It's already been really nice not to have to do anything with it. I've curled it, but that's it. I don't even have to. I'm loving this freedom, I really am.
Finally, there have been some developments with the baby. My perinatology visit is scheduled for August 24th (seems like forever from now, and I've asks that they inform me of any cancellations). At that time, I will have a counseling session with one of the doctors and a very extensive ultrasound, in which they will measure everything to assure the health of the baby. I am excited to see the little one, but scared to hear any bad news. I don't need or want any more bad news right now. I'm glad that I've found the strength to get through this and I know that I have my friends and family to thank for giving me so much support. I'll continue to lean on them and hope that some day I can return the favor.
I can't believe how time passes! This chocolate morsel will be starting school in a couple of weeks. Holy cow! The weekend was filled with birthday bliss for her. She had the party to end all parties and gifts galore. Then, today she asks me, "Are we going to do more party stuff today, mama?" I was thinking, "Are you kidding, kid??" Anyway, it's a very nostalgic day for me and one day, I will share the events with her.
My hubby and I had a long heart-to-heart yesterday and I really feel much better. He seems to as well. He was very honest and open and I think that is where it has to start. I would ask questions that I needed answers to and hoped he would answer, and he would without hesitation. I was happy that he opened up so freely and I asked him to keep this line of communication open or else what happened before would happen again. He is still going to seek out objective, professional help, but we made a lot of headway. I don't think I could have gotten through the rest of the week without our talk.
I got my hair done Friday night. It took her an hour less than she quoted me (5 hours). My butt and back were in agony, but my hair looks good. I haven't had anyone take pictures of it yet, but I will. I may even be brave enough to add them to the blog! It's already been really nice not to have to do anything with it. I've curled it, but that's it. I don't even have to. I'm loving this freedom, I really am.
Finally, there have been some developments with the baby. My perinatology visit is scheduled for August 24th (seems like forever from now, and I've asks that they inform me of any cancellations). At that time, I will have a counseling session with one of the doctors and a very extensive ultrasound, in which they will measure everything to assure the health of the baby. I am excited to see the little one, but scared to hear any bad news. I don't need or want any more bad news right now. I'm glad that I've found the strength to get through this and I know that I have my friends and family to thank for giving me so much support. I'll continue to lean on them and hope that some day I can return the favor.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Let's Watch a Bad Day Get Progressively Worse
Yesterday was the first day my hubby started with his overtime, but before that, he had to go in for his last shift. This means that he worked from 6:00 am to 2:00 pm, had a bit of a break and then a nap, then had to be into work by 10:00 pm, in order to work until 6:00 am. Insane, I know. So, I'm all depressed about being without my hubby. I came to work with that on my mind and called him at around 9ish. He was busy and said he'd call me back. He didn't until much later, when he was making his way home. It seems there were a couple of fights and he had to stay late to make sure things were under control. We chatted for a few minutes, then he had to go.
Later, he calls and says that there's a message for me at home from my doctor's office, asking me to call back about my quad screen test results (blood test). So, I try and try but to no avail. The voice messaging keeps picking up at the office, while I'm freaking out about what could possibly be wrong with me. Finally at around 3ish, (after trying for about half an hour), the nurse tells me that I showed Down Syndrome in my test results. At first, I wasn't sure what to say. I remained calm and answered her questions about my insurance. Then she said that she would schedule me for a perinatology visit at the hospital. I call my hubby back to tell him, remembering a friend who had had the same test and indicated that there were many false positives. I still tried to remain positive and told him not to worry and to go to sleep. We hung up and I got back to work.
My drive was filled with thoughts: What if I did have a "special needs" baby? I know I will love my child no matter what. Children are gifts from God and God makes no mistakes; however, how do we handle the expenses,when we barely make ends meet as it is? What kind of test is God posing on me? Why is all of this happening now? I was beginning to come apart.
I reached the daycare, only to find that my oldest had spent the day out-of-control. Not listening, being loud and doing whatever she wanted on her field trip to the Planetarium. I told her she was grounded for the night and I was so disappointed in her. She was pretty quiet most of the ride home. More time for me to meditate on everything and start stressing all over again.
We arrive home and I have the babe work on practicing her letters while I make our dinner. She finishes and I have a seat on the couch to eat while she plays in the playroom. Later, I made my way downstairs to pacify my stress and research the quad screens and get more information about what I may be dealing with. The babe comes down later, realizing she's all alone upstairs (despite a sleeping father) and wants to be with her mom. I'm plugging along on the computer when, all of a sudden, yahoo messenger pops up with someone exiting a friend list (not mine).
I removed messenger from our computer a year ago because of all the viruses it brings. My hubby saw fit to reinstall it, I guess, and add a list of the most obscene screen names. I checked profiles and found that most of them were sex crazed or worse. I tried to get into email and ended up in his, finding messages from strange people, exchanging the most perverse information with my husband. I was mortified! With everything else going on (my research on down syndrome anchored at the bottom of my screen, while filth starred at me), I started to cry. My daughter became scared and kept asking what was wrong. I tried to reassure her then, I took her upstairs and fell apart in the bathroom.
Of course, she told her dad that mom was in the bathroom crying and she couldn't get in. I didn't mean to fall apart in front of her. I couldn't even talk. How do you tell your five year old that mommy is sad because daddy has been dishonest? I had no words. My husband tried to get me to come out of the bathroom and once I gained my composure, I did emerge.
The next couple of hours were awful. He took blame, as well he should, while I conveyed to him my hurt and anger. My trust for him is gone and I always treasured that this was so strong in our relationship. After a while, I had no more words and he talked to me as he got ready for work. I prayed and fell asleep in mid prayer. Somehow, I rested without interruption.This morning, I typed him a two page letter of how I felt and my conditions, since I feel you can't throw away nearly 9 years of a relationship.
The phone rang as we were getting ready to leave for school and work. I didn't answer. I knew it was him and I didn't want to get caught up talking and be late. I rode to school with Zaura, watching the sun rise and marveling at how beautiful everything was, even though I felt so bad. After our 30 minute commute, I turned into the daycare parking lot to see my husband's car parked out front. We walked the little one in then sat in his car to talk. I could tell he'd been crying and he looked nearly as bad as I did. I spoke first, telling him what I'd written in my letter. He was in agreement and said he would do whatever he needed to do to regain my trust. Then, he talked, saying over and over again how wrong it was of him, but that he also needed to seek out help (since he didn't seem to be able to overcome this alone). Of course, that was also one of my conditions and I am totally standing firm to that. I sincerely can't do this again.
I've never dealt with infidelity on a cyber level before (my father cheated on my mother, but that was a flesh and blood mistake). I'm not sure how to deal with this. He hasn't physically touched anyone (and he confessed everything last night, so I know he hasn't) but there were a lot of things said in these messages that just floored me. I had no idea he had those kinds of thoughts. I knew he had a freaky side and I think I would have been fine with him expressing it with me, but with strangers and online? I don't know. I do, however, feel strong in my conviction that this is wrong and that something needs to be done, in order to salvage our relationship. I do love him and I know that he loves me, but you absolutely must have trust. Now, with this and the possibility of having a special needs child, I need prayers more than ever.
Later, he calls and says that there's a message for me at home from my doctor's office, asking me to call back about my quad screen test results (blood test). So, I try and try but to no avail. The voice messaging keeps picking up at the office, while I'm freaking out about what could possibly be wrong with me. Finally at around 3ish, (after trying for about half an hour), the nurse tells me that I showed Down Syndrome in my test results. At first, I wasn't sure what to say. I remained calm and answered her questions about my insurance. Then she said that she would schedule me for a perinatology visit at the hospital. I call my hubby back to tell him, remembering a friend who had had the same test and indicated that there were many false positives. I still tried to remain positive and told him not to worry and to go to sleep. We hung up and I got back to work.
My drive was filled with thoughts: What if I did have a "special needs" baby? I know I will love my child no matter what. Children are gifts from God and God makes no mistakes; however, how do we handle the expenses,when we barely make ends meet as it is? What kind of test is God posing on me? Why is all of this happening now? I was beginning to come apart.
I reached the daycare, only to find that my oldest had spent the day out-of-control. Not listening, being loud and doing whatever she wanted on her field trip to the Planetarium. I told her she was grounded for the night and I was so disappointed in her. She was pretty quiet most of the ride home. More time for me to meditate on everything and start stressing all over again.
We arrive home and I have the babe work on practicing her letters while I make our dinner. She finishes and I have a seat on the couch to eat while she plays in the playroom. Later, I made my way downstairs to pacify my stress and research the quad screens and get more information about what I may be dealing with. The babe comes down later, realizing she's all alone upstairs (despite a sleeping father) and wants to be with her mom. I'm plugging along on the computer when, all of a sudden, yahoo messenger pops up with someone exiting a friend list (not mine).
I removed messenger from our computer a year ago because of all the viruses it brings. My hubby saw fit to reinstall it, I guess, and add a list of the most obscene screen names. I checked profiles and found that most of them were sex crazed or worse. I tried to get into email and ended up in his, finding messages from strange people, exchanging the most perverse information with my husband. I was mortified! With everything else going on (my research on down syndrome anchored at the bottom of my screen, while filth starred at me), I started to cry. My daughter became scared and kept asking what was wrong. I tried to reassure her then, I took her upstairs and fell apart in the bathroom.
Of course, she told her dad that mom was in the bathroom crying and she couldn't get in. I didn't mean to fall apart in front of her. I couldn't even talk. How do you tell your five year old that mommy is sad because daddy has been dishonest? I had no words. My husband tried to get me to come out of the bathroom and once I gained my composure, I did emerge.
The next couple of hours were awful. He took blame, as well he should, while I conveyed to him my hurt and anger. My trust for him is gone and I always treasured that this was so strong in our relationship. After a while, I had no more words and he talked to me as he got ready for work. I prayed and fell asleep in mid prayer. Somehow, I rested without interruption.This morning, I typed him a two page letter of how I felt and my conditions, since I feel you can't throw away nearly 9 years of a relationship.
The phone rang as we were getting ready to leave for school and work. I didn't answer. I knew it was him and I didn't want to get caught up talking and be late. I rode to school with Zaura, watching the sun rise and marveling at how beautiful everything was, even though I felt so bad. After our 30 minute commute, I turned into the daycare parking lot to see my husband's car parked out front. We walked the little one in then sat in his car to talk. I could tell he'd been crying and he looked nearly as bad as I did. I spoke first, telling him what I'd written in my letter. He was in agreement and said he would do whatever he needed to do to regain my trust. Then, he talked, saying over and over again how wrong it was of him, but that he also needed to seek out help (since he didn't seem to be able to overcome this alone). Of course, that was also one of my conditions and I am totally standing firm to that. I sincerely can't do this again.
I've never dealt with infidelity on a cyber level before (my father cheated on my mother, but that was a flesh and blood mistake). I'm not sure how to deal with this. He hasn't physically touched anyone (and he confessed everything last night, so I know he hasn't) but there were a lot of things said in these messages that just floored me. I had no idea he had those kinds of thoughts. I knew he had a freaky side and I think I would have been fine with him expressing it with me, but with strangers and online? I don't know. I do, however, feel strong in my conviction that this is wrong and that something needs to be done, in order to salvage our relationship. I do love him and I know that he loves me, but you absolutely must have trust. Now, with this and the possibility of having a special needs child, I need prayers more than ever.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Friendly Gougers Always Make Money
I am in the process of coordinating my "hair braiding experience". What is that, you ask? Well, that will be me spending a small portion of my life in a chair, getting every possible strand of hair braided on my head. Due to the pregnancy, I am no longer relaxing my hair (to spare the baby of all those chemicals). Because of this, I am slowly returning to my natural state (think, Macy Gray). This look is perfectly fine for others, but it is not cute on me.
Anyway, in order to save face for the next few months (since my ponytails are completely out now, with my new growth coming in), I've opted to have my hair braided. I'm exciting and dreading it, both at the same time. The braids I want are micro in size and will, undoubtedly take hours away from my life. Once done, I know I will be happy but....oh! The hours and hours and hours. I'm not looking forward to that part at all!
So, what's with the gouging title? Well, Utah isn't exactly bursting at seams with folks who know how to do ethnic hair, much less braiding. I found a lady who is willing to do it without charging me a mortgage payment to do it. Unfortunately, it was the buying of the hair that killed me. Each package (and I bought two) were around $32.00. The entire time, I was thinking about the Korean shops back south, who sell the same hair for half that cost. I've never paid that much for a hair piece, much less a bag of hair. What the hell? Anyway, I bit the bullet and bought the dang hair, citing "support of black businesses" and such. Don't they realize, that's why their sales suffer? If we were smart, we would learn Mandarin or Cantonese and work with the distributors in those areas, then sell the hair for a decent price, while still making a profit. The person who finally does it will never be for want of anything. Believe that!
So, here are the styles I'm scoping. I think they'll be nice for the fall:
(I'm not sure which one I like better. They're pretty much the same, except the second photo shows the model with her micro braids pulled up.)
Thursday, August 04, 2005
The New Doctor Sees Me
Really. He sees me, unlike the last one. I was much happier with this visit than with the two visits I had with my previous doctor. He did ask me why I left the last one, then agreed that comfort was important and that if I ever felt like the communication wasn't good or I wasn't receiving the information I needed from him or anyone in his team, that I should switch again. I don't think I'll need to.
I had my visit on Tuesday, after leaving work at around 10ish to pick up the babe at daycare. We got to the office at around 10 minutes till and waited to be seen. The waiting room was just that: a waiting room. Not very appealing with very few magazines and all the chairs lined around the room facing one direction. I've never been in a waiting room quite like that one before. The babe colored while I watched the comings and goings of other patients. We were then seen in by my nurse, Shasta, who was pleasant and bubbly and weighed me without any conviction or judgment in her. It was great! We went to our examination room and filled out papers together and chatted about my history. She was enchanted with my daughter (score for this office!). The doctor came in a few minutes later, addressed my daughter, then talked to me about my status and so forth.
When he reached for the fetal Doppler and KY, applied the KY to my belly and added the Doppler. Boom. The baby's heartbeat right away. The babe was impressed. We then scheduled the ultrasound (yes, the big one) for August 31st. He said I could bring a video tape, if I wanted to record the event (heck yeah). My hubby is so excited and the babe has no idea. She will be totally blown away.
Yesterday was a pretty average day, but today hasn't been the greatest. Granted, it's gotten better. It started off with the daycare lady yelling for the babe, while I was there (she didn't know I was there). At any rate, it upset me terribly. I talked to anyone who would listen, then I talked to the manager. She was very understanding and helpful. I hope it doesn't lead to any backlash from the teacher. The babe only has a few weeks left there anyway.
Then, I was supposed to have a happy-go-lucky birthday lunch with one of my co-workers, when I got side-lined by work. I ended up going to the deli downstairs for hamburger and fries. They were all pretty good, but I would have rather have gone to Olive Garden.
Tonight, I just want to sleep and end the day. I'm done and want to be done with it; however, one good thing did come up. I think I found someone to do my hair. I'm going to have it braided so that I don't have to do anything to it for a while. When pregnant, the last thing you want to do is fuss over your hair. Granted, I wear pieces, but if you have a ten-foot fro, the pieces don't fit the best. I'll only be able to wear them for a few days longer before I really start to look crazy. The lady quoted good prices and asked me to figure out what I want. I will probably stop at B&N and pick up a few hair magazines to help. Then, when I buy the hair, I'll look at the hair book for more ideas.
The boy leaves tomorrow morning. Hooray! So, I do have something to look forward to (with the way the day was going, I was beginning to wonder).
I had my visit on Tuesday, after leaving work at around 10ish to pick up the babe at daycare. We got to the office at around 10 minutes till and waited to be seen. The waiting room was just that: a waiting room. Not very appealing with very few magazines and all the chairs lined around the room facing one direction. I've never been in a waiting room quite like that one before. The babe colored while I watched the comings and goings of other patients. We were then seen in by my nurse, Shasta, who was pleasant and bubbly and weighed me without any conviction or judgment in her. It was great! We went to our examination room and filled out papers together and chatted about my history. She was enchanted with my daughter (score for this office!). The doctor came in a few minutes later, addressed my daughter, then talked to me about my status and so forth.
When he reached for the fetal Doppler and KY, applied the KY to my belly and added the Doppler. Boom. The baby's heartbeat right away. The babe was impressed. We then scheduled the ultrasound (yes, the big one) for August 31st. He said I could bring a video tape, if I wanted to record the event (heck yeah). My hubby is so excited and the babe has no idea. She will be totally blown away.
Yesterday was a pretty average day, but today hasn't been the greatest. Granted, it's gotten better. It started off with the daycare lady yelling for the babe, while I was there (she didn't know I was there). At any rate, it upset me terribly. I talked to anyone who would listen, then I talked to the manager. She was very understanding and helpful. I hope it doesn't lead to any backlash from the teacher. The babe only has a few weeks left there anyway.
Then, I was supposed to have a happy-go-lucky birthday lunch with one of my co-workers, when I got side-lined by work. I ended up going to the deli downstairs for hamburger and fries. They were all pretty good, but I would have rather have gone to Olive Garden.
Tonight, I just want to sleep and end the day. I'm done and want to be done with it; however, one good thing did come up. I think I found someone to do my hair. I'm going to have it braided so that I don't have to do anything to it for a while. When pregnant, the last thing you want to do is fuss over your hair. Granted, I wear pieces, but if you have a ten-foot fro, the pieces don't fit the best. I'll only be able to wear them for a few days longer before I really start to look crazy. The lady quoted good prices and asked me to figure out what I want. I will probably stop at B&N and pick up a few hair magazines to help. Then, when I buy the hair, I'll look at the hair book for more ideas.
The boy leaves tomorrow morning. Hooray! So, I do have something to look forward to (with the way the day was going, I was beginning to wonder).
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