Phone Calls in the Night

The phone rang early this morning...around 1ish. Someone left a message, but it was incoherent from our bedroom. I dismissed it and tried to go back to sleep. I couldn't, so I tried to wake up my hubby for a little playtime. The phone rang again. It was his sister. She said their mother had been flown to the hospital, due to some sort of "asthma" attack. She was non-responsive. I told hubby that I didn't know his mother even had asthma. Anyway, his sister said she would call him back, once she had more information. We laid there together. He fell back asleep, but I couldn't. I was restless and couldn't settle down. I laid on his chest, stroking his chest and arms. I tried to turn him over when he snored, but he woke up and said he was comfortable that way with me lying there.

I told him I needed to apologize.

"When the phone first rang, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I was going to have my wicked way with you. Now, I feel bad about it."

"Don't feel bad, how could you know?"

"Still, it seems wrong, now."

"Don't worry about it," but, I did.

The phone rang again. This time, I could hear his sister. She was crying hysterically:

"____, mama's gone! Mama's gone!"

All I could say, "Oh my God!" I burst into tears. I can only surmise that my hubby was in shock. He didn't say anything. He held the phone, then attempted to say his sister's name. She wasn't there anymore.

"I gotta go over there." He got up slowly, calmly. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I asked what I could do. I tried to find his shoes for him, but couldn't I put on his shirt, he put a sweatshirt on over that. I held him. I apologized and told him I loved him. He still wasn't crying, but sadness was all over his face. He went to the garage door then asked me to call his work.

"Ask for the Sergeant on duty and tell him that I'll call." I promised I would and told him to drive carefully. It's a short drive, but I worried he wouldn't "see" his way to her house. He left. I found my cell phone and called. The sergeant was very nice and asked if there was anything they could do. I told him there wasn't and thanked him. I called my mother. I told her what was going on. She was calm and told me that she anticipated her hubby going first, but, "You just never know." (My mother-in-law's hubby recently lost a leg, due to a blood clot. Being an active man, we worried that he wouldn't be the same after that.) I told her that I worried for her kids. Her 18 year old is coming here for college. Her sixteen year old is still in high school. She's the guardian of her 11 year old granddaughter and cares for her 4 year old grand daughter. Their own mothers are a mess...and now? Oh, Jesus! What will happen to them? The boys will survive...but those little girls?

I'm still in shock myself, but I can't sleep and my mind is racing...so, I write. It's here that I'll document what happened when my hubby's mother passed on. I wanted to go with him to his sister's, but he didn't want to wake up the girls. Understandable. But, I still wanted to be there. I don't know what things are being said. I worry because his sister recently cut off communication with him because hubby was too "stuck up" in her opinion. I worry because it's easy to blame every body for a loss and hubby already feels an amazing amount of guilt about his family. I worry because her own hubby may make things even more difficult (there money situation isn't good...she's the only one who works) and may try to manipulate some way for them to get home, out of my hubby.

My eldest just woke up. She had a dream of being in a bus full of children going to fast and she and others were about to die. Coincidence? She's always been sensitive to things. I don't think she heard the conversations because we never said what had happened out loud. My mother said not to tell her right away. We should wait a bit and tell her later. I don't know when later is. The more we delay, the less time she has to deal with it. My mind is racing.

Do you know I have a grandmother who turns 90 in May? We have amazing longevity on my side of the family. My maternal grandmother was well into her 80's when she passed. Now, I wonder about my hubby. I've always wondered about how I'll be when he goes...since I'm pretty sure he will go before me (not just because of family genes, but statistics speak to this too). Mortality for everyone you love, I guess, becomes a harboring thought when you lose someone.

My memories of his mother? She came and stayed with us one summer. She was soft-spoken, kind and totally loving to my girls. She told me, on the way to one of the Babe's dance classes that she really liked me. She admitted that she wasn't sure about me at first because she didn't know me, but that she decided she liked me. I told her I liked her and, after this, I felt so much better about our relationship. I'll also remember that she was a huge fan of the Bath and Body works packages I would put together for her. She loved being here and was convinced she would move, but hubby knew better. He knew she could never let go of that small town. I guess he was right.

I suppose I can't type all night. I think I'll work a little bit, make myself productive. I don't really want to work, but sleeping is out. I keep waiting for the phone. I need him to come home. I have an uncontrollable desire to protect him; my 187 pound, body-building officer. Yeah, it's totally ridiculous.