Living with Oldsters

My patience is wearing very thin. This whole, "being off carbs" is like being with someone who is in the freaking twilight zone, while you're in the real world watching him roam around aimlessly trying to find the door to your world. It's beyond crazy and I'm ready to just start shoving cookies, or crackers or a loaf of bread down his throat. I suppose this is similar to what deprogrammers deal with, when they pick up cultists...accept, I'm not trying to feed mine steaks and burgers (he's getting plenty of protein). Thank goodness this thing is only two more days away. He says that as early as Friday, he can start downing the carbs again. Please, Friday...just get here!

On a different note, the winds of change are here. What the heck happened to my lovely spring weather? Yesterday was breezy but pleasant. By the time I got gas (after dropping the oldest off at dance class), I was in need of a gortex coat! It was freaking freezing and my hands were like ice. As I type this, I can hear the wind banging at the windows and racing up and down my street (with helpless branches in tow). It's supposed to be 30 something today with possible snow. Snow? The heck you say! I was in a sun dress only two days ago. Yeah, this weather is like my hubby right now; inconsistent and all over the place. It's like living with old people.

I've decided I'm hard on my oldest. Not so hard that she can't handle it, but I am. I love her and I nurture her, and make sure that she's loved but I also know what she's capable of and I don't put up with her slacking off (like some parents around here do with their kids). If she starts giving me attitude like one of her friends, I don't calmly say, "Okay now, babe, you need to calm down." Hell no! It's, "You better watch how you're talking to me cause I'm not one of your little friends." This usually straightens the situation up quick and in a hurry.

Sometimes, she blows my mind with the things she thinks about or says. Other times, she has me ready to pull out my hair and spit teeth. "Did she honestly think logically when she asked me that?!" I've decided a big part of the stress she initiates is her age. We've got a couple in her age group in the neighborhood and a couple who are two years older than she is. The difference in cognitive reasoning skills, conversation and interpersonal skills (just in the two year age difference) is astounding. I hope that I'm of a stable enough mind to enjoy it when she gets to that point.

Girl's Night Out

Easter was lovely and I was glad we had a nice, fairly warm day. The girls were stunning in their little dresses. I got the hair in time and both of them were swinging hair around all over the place (the babe's extensions end at her waist). Indy keeps pulling on her hair and saying, "Curlies! Curlies!" I guess she likes the curlies.

Hubby is completely off carbs and keeps zoning out when we talk. I think I officially know what old age with him will be like. We won't know what the other one is talking about at any given moment. It will definitely be the blind leading the blind, or the clueless leading the clueless. Oh, well. (At least I'll feel loved and clueless.) I'll be glad when he can have a candy bar or something on Saturday. I think the chocolate/sugar/fructose will do his brain good.

Last night, I went out with my girlfriend and some of her girlfriends. We had dinner, drinks and conversation. It was much needed and very, very nice. Ever had a hibiscus? I think it's my new "spring drink."

Old-Man Feet

This is what I call my hubby's feet because that is exactly what they look like. To be more specific, the toes are crusty, the nails discolored and the skin appears to be fleeing from the bottoms in some kind of a white-cheddar, popcorn frenzy. It's all in fun that I tease him, but I know he'd like to have beautiful feet to match his beautiful body.

At Christmas time, I bought him a gift certificate to our local spa for a "sports pedicure". It's the kind of fru fru pedicure we ladies get, but with a guy twist. He's there now getting his feet indulged and I have a feeling that this won't be the last time he does this. To my surprise, as we sat chatting last night about the day's events, he said that I was to go to our spa this afternoon myself for my "surprise appointment". Well, isn't that a nice turn of events? Wonder if I'm getting my toesies ready for spring...or perhaps a back rub, or maybe a facial? Woohoo! I am too excited!

My neighbors want to die eggs together on Friday. This should be interesting with our toddlers in the mix (her son is 18 months old). Dyed walls anyone?

Speaking of dye, it's time for my hair to undergo some serious color drenching again. Last time, I switched up and used a Loreal product. I think the pigments are better and the color lasts longer (just a personal opinion, of course). I will still continue to use Clairol's "lifting" products because of how gentle they are, but I won't go blond again until later this spring. Anyway, the color to the right is what I used last time and it was beautiful! I need more, but the money situation is weird and I'll probably have to wait until next week to color again. My girlfriend at work asked me just yesterday, "Did you color your hair again, or is it just fading?" Being a color girl herself, she knew how reds fade super fast. She said she liked it's coppery hue; however, when hubby mentioned how the color is looking last night, I could tell he was not feeling the "fade". If he's willing to fork over the dough, I'm happy to help the situation with a good, solid drench.

TOM is approaching and water-weight is the enemy. Why must you vex me, water-weight? It's not due to show up until the first of April. I'm sort of hoping it comes early so that the water will leave. I guess I'll see it soon enough.

Are you ready for Easter?

This year, we are celebrating Easter the earliest it has been celebrated since 1818 and won't be this early again until 2160. I've had a hard time with it being so early, so it's good to see that I won't have to worry about it being so early again (at least in my lifetime). It has to do with the moon and vernal equinox or something. It's also supposedly harder to calculate the time for the Western church than it is for the Eastern. All I know is that for the "pagan" portions of the holiday, I am certainly not ready.

Next Friday will be "dying day" at our house. When I was growing up, we usually did this on Saturdays, but I will be spending that Saturday doing every one's hair (Why couldn't I have had at least one boy...a pair of clippers and a cute little suit would be so much easier), if it ever gets here. I ordered the extensions last Friday with no word on tracking or anything yet. I emailed them today to ask, "What gives?" because I don't want to be caught driving around town next week looking for hair. Of course, it won't be an expense duplicated in vain; there's always some one's hair to do at my house.

But again, back to when I was little. We would buy our couple of dozen eggs and color all day (my mom and I; my dad was usually on the road, or busy with church stuff, or just gone). Then, she would have boiled eggs with her breakfast for days. The same is somewhat true here, but this year, Indy will want to be involved. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to manage it without my house becoming a tie-dyed mess, but we'll see.

I like the fancy ones; the glitter or tattooed eggs. They're also the kind that are the most trouble, but why have just colored eggs when you can double-dip them in glitter? Oh, I'll never change.

Finally, I was prepared for one portion of all these festivities; the dresses. We already have them, thank goodness. Indy's is a hand-me-down from her sister's pageant days. It's a very fancy white dress with lots of beading and sequins. The babe didn't look completely put together in the dress until she was four (even though she started wearing it at two), but Indy is so much taller that she'll probably be just fine now. The babe's dress was actually a purchase for the winter pictures we were initially going to take; however, with the cold and all the snow we've had this year, we decided against it. No way was she going out anywhere in December with spaghetti straps! Her dress is white with organza. There are purple accents in the form of flowers and adornments all over. It came from one of those high-end fancy shops where you can buy prom/bridesmaid/flower girls dresses, but it was on super sale. So, all we had to do was buy the shoes last weekend. Indy was in heaven! I still can't believe a two-year old could love shoes so much.

With all the Easter hullabaloo running through my head, I haven't forgotten that I'm still working on real life issues. Hubby and I have been good, so far. We're making sure that we're getting in our quality time together and we're continuously talking. He's still preparing for his show in the next couple of weeks and he's doing so well. I'm really proud of all his efforts and I hope they are rewarded. Our girls will be with us that night and it's always an adventure for them to be up that far after bedtime. They usually get a little slap-happy and start talking crazy. Oh, the joys of childhood. I know that the babe, though, we'll be her daddy's biggest cheerleader.

A Surprisingly Good Weekend

With new found hope, it's amazing how a simple weekend can become one of the better ones of the year. We (the family) spent it together; shopping, driving, playing, eating and watching movies. Sunday, we were supposed to go to the circus, but hubby decided he didn't want to spend the afternoon smelling manure (can't say that I blame him). Besides, the babe and I will be venturing off to the city to see Disne.y Princ.esses on Ice next Sunday (unbeknownst to her). Indy will be with her grandmother, bonding away.

(It's been a crazy day and it's taken me all day to post. I'll have more tomorrow).

Emerging from a Dream

The last few days have been incredibly hard. Every time hubby and I talk, it's about "how we're going to make the separation work," and "what to do about the children." I've been sort of walking in a dream state, not really knowing whether I was coming or going. He says that it's the same for him; he doesn't have all the answers and isn't sure what the rules are.

Wednesday morning, in an attempt to be more honest and open with my hubby and because I felt I really had nothing to lose, I exposed myself completely; I gave him this site. It's probably the one of the most freeing things I've ever done. I really didn't expect to feel that way about a silly web site, but there are so many of my feelings, ideas, and thoughts stored here. Not just my history but his as well. The phone calls he's made to me have now been about the things he's read here and how he appreciates the honesty I've expressed. He's even talking about writing again himself (one of the many things we have in common, but that he hasn't acted upon in a long, long time). Initially, I thought, "If I tell him about the site, how can I possibly say all the things that I say here, knowing he's reading it?" Perhaps it's the open forum mentality that kicks in because I'm not having that issue at all.

Last night as we prepared dinner, we talked for a long time about whether his moving out was really the best option. I could tell by his tone, even before he said anything, that he was vacillating about what to do. I reminded him that he'd made his decision and then he said, "Yes. I made the decision, not we." I also reminded him that he knew where I stood and what I wanted and that was not for him to leave. Leaving could create a myriad of new problems and he discussed the fact that he would probably withdraw and work more if he wasn't in the house. Certainly not a productive way to help a marriage, right?

After we all ate and the girls had been put to bed, we turned on music and talked more. So, he will not go and we will try to figure things out with him home and in our bed (which is where he ended up last night after a wonderfully, passionate make-up). It was the first night I've slept well in nearly two weeks and I was bitter when the alarm went off at 4:15 this morning (A hex on you, you blasted alarm!) I can only imagine his thoughts when he woke up at 2ish this morning. I just didn't want the night to end.

So, we move forward and try to figure things out just as married couples do. I don't have to fret about separate homes and kid-sharing anymore, but I don't dare relax and let the issues melt away in the fire. They're still there to wrestle with, but I have new found hope that we'll figure them out. I'm really looking forward to our ten year, now. What an adventure it has been. I love you, honey.

Is This for Real?

From a fun day with my girls to a rocky marriage. What happened? It's definitely a pattern. Last summer, hubby and I went through a few sessions of counseling. We gained a new found respect for each other (not that we didn't respect each other before, but it was rejuvenated and allowed us to communicate better) and revitalized our relationship. I thought we were making good head-way and we seemed to be moving to the same page. We would have issues resurface, but we would try to work through them as best we could. Well, last week, some of those issues resurfaced again and this time it hit the mark with hubby. He feels we're too close to the issues and need to be apart (I gather you can tell where this is going).

So, hubby has been looking into a non-lease option for a place to live. He's also discussed "kid share time" with me, which was so unsettling, I thought I might be sick! I can't believe we're here and I just fret everyday now, "Why is this happening? What could I have done differently? Are we just so different now that we can't deal with each other?" I'm literally a wreck. Relationships aren't perfect and I understand that but I never thought I would be here. Hubby thinks the time apart would allow us to think about what we want to do. I know what I want to do; I want to be with my husband. I've expressed this to him. Now, I'm starting to believe that this is more for him; does he want to be with me...he says there's no one else, but I can't help but wonder. It's so black and white for me.

The girls don't know and telling my oldest will literally be a nightmare. She's so sensitive and I know she'll have to release this somehow, whether at school or at home. I want to make the transition as smoothly as I can for her but I know that there will be hard times ahead for her. The baby, I'm not so worried about, but she will notice that things aren't "normal".

The depression is starting to set in. I love him so much and it just kills me that he'll be away. We haven't slept in the same bed for two days and you'd think it was a lifetime! I really, really hate this (and I don't use that word often). He's set on moving out for a while and he doesn't want emotion to cloud him and change his mind; the quicker the better. I feel like I'm losing a limb or something! Life can really slap you in the face, sometimes. I'm really trying to be strong...at least for my girls. It's hardest when I'm alone with my own thoughts...I'm so lost and empty.

Stats, of course, are not so good (see below). By the way, we will have/would have hit our ten year wedding anniversary next month.

"Reconciliation after Separation
A sociology professor from Baltimore posted this citation on the FAMILYSCI listserv:
"The only statistic I have is the one cited in my marriages/families
textbook, but it may (or may not) be dated: "Approximately 10 percent of all
currently married couples (9 percent of white women and 14 percent of black
women) in the United States have separated and reconciled" (Wineberg and
McCarthy, "Separtion and reconciliation in American marriages," Journal of
Divorce & Remarriage 29, 1993: 131-46). If there's a more recent cite, I
haven't bumped across it yet."

It's Too Crazy Right Now

We are in the midst of work craziness that has my home-life even feeling nutty. Launching a partnership is always a trial, but doing almost entirely by yourself is a nightmare! Oh, I have some help but the help comes in spurts and not in very big spurts at that. What's interesting is that this was someone else's project and it was handed over to me when it began to stress her out. Oh, the irony! Friday, I needed a drink and I needed a drink bad, so I had one. On Saturday, the stress was still alive and well, so I had another. Rum is my friend.

Saturday, I tried to have quality time with my girls. It was absolutely beautiful here (nearly 60 degrees) and we enjoyed the sun by being out and about. We went to a store to look for sheets and possibly a new video camera, when I spotted this adorable summer dress. It was marked down to around $12 with applied discounts. Then, I found the perfect necklace and earrings to go with it. Someday, somewhere this summer, I will be too cute in that dress. I think I'll add a crinoline slip for swingability. I think those are so girlie and feminine. I also found a yellow sun-dress for the oldest. It was upwards of $100 marked down to $14; we both made out like bandits. (this is the dress, by the way)

Sunday, a little more relaxing, but I was still amped from Friday. Today is about the same, although I'm getting lots of questions about Friday and probably will for the remainder of the week. I told my coworkers we need a lunch, but they want to wait till everything is launched so, lunch probably won't happen until late April (if ever). That's okay, I can have my own celebratory party; me, my rum and some mojito mix.

UPDATE - The dress was $7.60 not $14.00, and the babe's was $12.00. I just added the information to my checkbook and saw the receipt. I guess I got a better deal than I thought. Woohoo!