Behavior Issues

For the last couple of years, my eldest has had trouble with authority figures...not all of them, but many, specifically teachers. In her daycare/preschool class last year, she constantly challenged her teacher and made her teacher's life more frustrating everyday. We would try and work with the babe at home and things would get better for a day or so, but then would ultimately go back to the way things were. Back then, we were not consistent with our methods. This year, as a Kindergarten student, we weren't aware that there were issues with behavior until the day I got a call from the principal's office, a day after delivering Indy (January 11th). Talk about disheartening! She said the same things her preschool teacher said and that the problems had been occuring all year. My hubby and I were frustrated that no one told us anything and the principal indicated that they felt they had things under control, until then.

So, no we have these behavior contracts that we sign daily when the babe comes home from school. If there have been problems, they are indicated on the contract. Then, we discuss them with her and try to find out why she did them and work to correct it so that it doesn't happen again. We've been pretty consistent with talking to her and reminding her to behave herself, but the punishments have kind of been across the board.

Now, I should say that I never had authority figure troubles as a child. My issue was talking. I just couldn't shut up to save my life. I was always in trouble for talking. I definitley got my share of spankings, but I'm a better person because of it (and, I know how to use my compulsive talking now for "good" instead of "evil"). Anyway, dad believes in whipping out the belt, while I take the grounding route. Both have worked and failed in the past; however, we got another call from the principal today and I've decided things have to change (and they really have to because she will be asked to leave the school, permanently.She's on special transfer and this type of trouble is exactly what they don't want...I even signed a contract when school first started).

I was so upset after the call, I just cried and cried. Hubby was consoling me, but was also stern. We've been working to regain our spritiuality in our marriage and in our family and faith is a big issue for him. He believes mine is stronger, so when he saw it shaken, he was really concerned. Even though he had only been home from work an hour or so (no sleep), I asked him to ride with me into town. I knew I couldn't do it alone. Once there, we talked with the principal and tried to get through to the babe. I lost it again in front of her, and she kept apologizing, but those apologies really don't mean anything anymore. She seemed to sincerely "get it" but, that's how it always is. She gets it for a day, then it's back to the garbage. If she gets kicked out, we're in major trouble! She's in all day school and it's convenient for my work schedule and close enough to my office, where I can get to her. All that will be down the crapper if she keeps messing up.

Hubby told her she was in for it, when we got home. He spanked her and sent her to bed. I was fine with the punishment, but I also think she needs more discussions about the reasons why from us. I think I'll have to turn myself into a child psychologist, for the next two weeks, in hopes of getting through to her. It's just so frustrating! It seems like the more we try, the more we get knocked down. The devil is busy!

Well, hubby is asleep so, I typed him an email in case I forgot to tell him everything when he wakes up. It explains where my "head" was in all of this drama. I'm really hoping we can make major progress because, otherwise, I may have to change jobs. All this, and we may have to move out of state to boot! What should be a quiet and happy time, where I get to know my new daughter, my oldest is stirring it up. For now, all I can do is pray.

"Dear hubby,

You're asleep right now, so I don't want to wake you to tell you this and I'm afraid if I don't get this down now, I'll forget. Today was the day we went to visit "the babe's" principal at school. After getting her phone call, I was very upset and you were right. My faith was totally shaken. After we talked to her and came home, I had a chance to ponder things. I also did a bit of searching on the web (not psych sites, but Biblical sites) to try and understand what's happening with our first born (see the link below). Truly, we are not supposed to spare the rod and spankings are a necessity;however, I think they should also be explained and I'm not sure if we've done a good job at explaining to "the babe", why she is spanked (yes, spankings are for doing things you're not supposed to but, why spankings?). When she wakes up, I will tell her about these scriptures in the Bible. I will also impress upon her that spanking is only allowed by parents. Children are not allowed to spank or hit anyone.

I'm saddened by her behavior, but I am eager to try and make things better. Together, we will work with her to make the next two weeks the best two weeks she's ever had at school (behavior wise). I agree that moving her TV and DVD player downstairs is a good idea. I don't think she is ready for such a responsibility and allowance. I also think we should do what I suggested earlier and limit her t.v. time to just two hours per day (four on weekends). When she limits her t.v. watching, she does much better at school the following day. Meals together at the dinner table are also good because it gives us all an opportunity to talk. We can't really talk about our days or anything else for that matter, when we're eating in front of the t.v. You and I should also remind her of her two week probation period often. She really needs to understand what this behavior has brought upon her. d

Going back to my faith, I feel bad that I let all of this get to me. I believe I took everything very personally, thinking that somehow my parenting is what led "the babe" to her actions. You're right; I did my part but "the babe" made her own choices. The next two weeks are pivotal for me too in that I will be praying that much harder for her to become a better student and for me to become stronger in my faith.

I appreciate your being there with me today, despite being so tired and weary from your night's work. I'm so glad I had your support because, in my state of mind, I don't think I could have exprienced that alone. Her principal was kind and understanding, even though she had every right to rant and rave. I can only imagine how frustrating this is for all of the teachers. I am so blessed and fortunate to have you as my husband and friend...my support system through everything! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For fear this is turning into a book, I will end but before I do, I want you to know that I think it's worth it...all of it...all of the heartache and disappointment...all of the joy and excitement. Everything involved in parenting, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Although Indy will probably have her share of issues as well, I am glad that I have a partner to work with me through all of them. Thank you again, my love.

Love,

"Enchantress"